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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Untitled Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 14th, 2010, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Untitled by Jack (fridayjack1) - Drama - A girl with a mental past gets involved with a drug dealer. 97 pages - pdf, format


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Thornton
Posted: September 9th, 2010, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Why would you not give this a title? Surely after writing 97 pages of it you can think of a title.

I read the first few pages, but here is a sequence from your opening paragraphs....

CLARISSA
Look, I canít deal with all this.
Just find my damn daughter.
MANíS VOICE (O.S)
Were (it's not were, it's we're) doing everything we can maím
CLARISSA
Well try harder. It shouldnít be
hard that to find her. (sorry, this doesn't make sense)
MANíS VOICE (O.S)
Do you know anywhere she could be
staying?
Clarissa takes a deep breath. Sheís annoyed. (I think we know she's annoyed already)
CLARISSA
For Christs sake (it would either be Christ's or Chris'sake), Iíve already told
you this. And she wasnít in any of
those places.
MANíS VOICE (O.S)
Were doing our best (he pretty much said this before - make him sound wooden)

The fact you haven't given this a title and there's errors all over your first few paragraphs just stops me reading. It may sound pedantic and this might be the best story since The Godfather, but people (amateur reviewers like me and definitely professional readers) are put off by this kind of thing.

Thornton
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