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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Winner Takes All Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 24th, 2010, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Winner Takes All by Greg Baldwin - Short, Comedy - Two men with a checkered past decide to settle the score once and for all - with a game of Monopoly! 23 pages - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for the post.

Been a while since I posted a new short other than an occasional OWC entry.  

This was written with the idea that it could be shot over a weekend and with a microscopic budget.  I'm a big fan of Monopoly and have experienced first-hand some pretty annoying players, so my goal here was to try and create the most irritating player imaginable in Wayne.  

Any thoughts are appreciated.  Hope you enjoy.

Greg



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greg  -  August 25th, 2010, 5:52pm
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ricketybridge
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Discussing the game over the guy they're operating on was a funny situation, but I'm not sure what point you're trying to make with this overall.  That these guys are eternally locked in combat?  If so, I didn't feel a twist or a punch in the end that provided an emotional reaction.  I guess I can't help further without knowing what you were going for...


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ricketybridge
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
This was written with the idea that it could be shot over a weekend and with a microscopic budget.
  

It's going to be hard to create a convincing operating room with a microscopic budget, isn't it?  (Unless you're a doctor...?)  And it was pretty incidental to what it looks like your main focus is (i.e. the obnoxious player), so you could easily lose it (in spite of my saying it was the most interesting situation of the script).


Quoted from greg
I'm a big fan of Monopoly and have experienced first-hand some pretty annoying players, so my goal here was to try and create the most irritating player imaginable in Wayne.


You definitely did that, and I can definitely relate, but what point about annoying Monopoly players did you want the reader to come away with?  How did you want your main character (or even his annoying opponent) to change from this journey?


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bert
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg.  Nice to see you back on the board.

I went into this thinking that 23 pages was a bit stretched for a game of Monopoly -- particularly as I despise Monopoly.  I have never won a game of Monopoly in my life -- true story -- and avoid playing unless I cannot avoid it.

But this moved along fast enough, and it had plenty of light moments while still maintaining that family-friendly vibe that you have a real talent for.  This might have been a little longer than necessary, but at the same time, it did not really overstay its welcome, either.  

The patient inserting himself into their debate was funny, but I would have ultimately had Kevin clamp an anesthesia mask on the guy to shut him up.

I do need to point out that the stakes seem a bit unrealistic in your setup.  The guy's wife versus simple bragging rights for Kevin?  There really needs to be more at stake here for Wayne or Kevin comes off as a total idiot.

The part with the jogger was funny.  In fact, the funniest parts to me are the parts away from the game.  Not sure what that says about this piece, but just putting it out there.

I think there might have been one montage too many, and I think Joey and the wife were kind of throw-away.  You might have given them more to do in this scenario, but probably not much more.  Just enough to give them a little personality of their own, particularly the wife, who came off pretty flat here.

Other than that, you did succeed at what you set out to do here.  Lots of good trash-talk (that rang true) helped to move this along, and I think it would be an amusing product, though I also think a slight trim might be in order.


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Ryan1
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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Your logline got my attention because I'm addicted to playing Monopoly on pogo.com.  But, I only play against the computer, and this script reminded me why.  Monopoly's one of those slow-moving games that gives people plenty of time to stall and trash talk.

It was a quick read for 23 pages, but realistically, if you're looking to get this made, you definitely want to trim it.  Some of the scenes became redundant, such as the montages as well as Wayne's trash-talking.  The operating room scene was pretty good, but I think you should just get right into the game as these two approach the board like gladiators.  I think you could definitely get this down to fifteen pages with some clever editing.

Ryan
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greg
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for the reads.

I'm glad it flowed well, though I know I sometimes don't trim things as much as I should.  Sometimes you get 'em, sometimes you don't.  

Regarding the micro budget film-ability of the operating room it's actually pretty easy; since the action all takes place around a table, all that's needed is the table itself and the bright lamp and an otherwise dark room and there you go.  


Quoted Text
...and it had plenty of light moments while still maintaining that family-friendly vibe that you have a real talent for.


Thanks, Bert.  While I like that niche, I also have an arsenal of dark violent/dirty humor stuff that I hope to one day polish up to make public.

Thanks again everyone!

Greg


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grademan
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg!

This is certainly different from "Where the Buffalo Roam!"  I play Monopoly with my daughter and I can say that Monopoly winners are definitely a certain breed. And I've known people who play Monopoly marathons.

In this story, you've experimented with multiple montages, multiple quick flashes and an over-the-top character.  Wayne was delicious as the annoying winner.  Kevin's wife and kid could use a touch more attention: the wife's reactions were a little reserved and the montages while accurate were a little repetitive but I don't know what to do instead of that.

You can definitely do this on a micro-budget.  Funny story.

Well done.

Gary
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greg
Posted: August 26th, 2010, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

Thanks for the read and for your words.  Indeed, Monopoly winners can certainly be an annoying breed (losers can too actually.  I guess it can bring out the worst in everyone ha-ha).

Thanks again!

Greg


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 25th, 2010, 9:47pm Report to Moderator
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Greg,

If Tim Burton did a Monopoly movie in the 80s, this would have been it!
I can see it now...Pee Wee's Big Boardwalk!
Oh how I miss the old Tim Burton. He'd make Monopoly in 3D now. =p
I thought the middle sagged here and there and I'd lose one of the montages.
The superfluous patient comments cracked me up, felt very Mel Brooks!
I really like this idea, I would enjoy reading an expanded version of this script.
Thanks for posting and reading Widow's Walk. Version two should be up soonish.

Regards,
E.D.


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greg
Posted: October 28th, 2010, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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Brett,

Thanks for the read and the bump and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I've got a feature on my plate I'm trying to finish, so I'm yet to do any major revisions to this but I appreciate the read.

Thanks again!

Greg


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