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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Some Candy Talkin' Moderators: bert
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  Author    Some Candy Talkin'  (currently 805 views)
Don
Posted: October 6th, 2010, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Some Candy Talkin' by Alexander Hay - Drama - A film editor spots a face in a foreign crowd- a missing friend who left on the run after ripping everyone off. A reward to locate the friend– then kill him - results in a re-bonding, redemption and a change of destiny. 123 pages - pdf, format


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Eoin
Posted: October 7th, 2010, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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FADE IN ON

INT. EDIT SUITE. DAY

Whilst we start with an interior, the first footage we see is external (previously filmed). A travel presenter walks thru’ an exotic market in a foreign country. He speaks to camera(any dialogue)- suddenly the film rewinds at speed- repeats- moving slower- one frame at a time- without sound.
PULL BACK to reveal MARK- at an Avid editor- staring hard at the screen. He moves the footage on a frame- uses a magnifying-glass to peer closer- rolling the frame back and forth. He calls a friend- DES- over.
                                                 MARK
                                 Des!. Take a look, will you?

Phew. Where to start:

Formatting: No need to under line slugs or peoples names.

Whilst we start with an interior, the first footage we see is external (previously filmed).  ? ? ? You need to show us that. The first scene should be EXT. PLACE -TIME

This scene needs alot of tidying up. You don't cap your characters or give them a description.

Your descriptions are very very wordy.
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conwall
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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I totally agree with the above.  I couldn't get past the formatting.  Also, it would be helpful if we knew what the guy noticed in the film (hippie stall holder) before he was mesmerized by it.  Found it a little confusing.

Get the software and we can talk.


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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