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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Paranormal Rise Moderators: bert
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  Author    Paranormal Rise  (currently 1316 views)
Don
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Paranormal Rise by Prateek Sachdeva - Short, Horror - On a dark and rainy night, three people get locked inside an old house. This story chronicles the terrifying events they witness. 7 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a decent story, Prateek.  Nothing great, though the ending was a good one.

You need to learn a little more on how to format and how to write a script.  This was very very wordy.  I can easily see two pages being cut of the length.


Quoted Text
We hear a sound of a car crash.


First line.  First mistake.  We are not there.  We do not hear or see anything.  Don't use that word in a script.  Describe things as they can be recorded by the camera, or shown on the screen.  In this case, describe a the sound of tires screeching, followed by a loud THUD.


Be careful with long blocks of texts:


Quoted Text
Chris is searching the kitchen. As he walks by footsteps are
heard behind him. He looks back but is unable to see anyone.
As he looks in front he comes face to face with a hideous
monster. After shaking in fear for a few moments he realizes
it was just a mask pinned on the wall. Slowly, the fridge
door opens. Crockery falls. A knife zooms out of the air and
narrowly misses Chris. Chris runs out of the kitchen


Try to limit it two three lines at a time.  If you need to describe a lot, split it up into several paragraphs.  Each one could describe a visual or an idea:


Quoted Text
Chris searches the kitchen. As he walks, footsteps are
heard behind him. He looks back but is unable to see anyone.

As he looks in front he comes face to face with a hideous
monster. After a moment he realizes it's just a mask pinned on
the wall.

Slowly, the fridge door opens. Crockery falls. A knife zooms out
of the air and narrowly misses him. He runs out of the kitchen


Two problems I had with the story are:

SPOILER SPACE

After the three run over their victim, they can't start the car.  Once they throw the victim in the trunk, it starts right up.  Why?

After the three bring the victim to the house, and discover no one is home, why do they break into the house to leave the body inside?  Why not just throw it in the bushes?

I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here to learn formatting.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 9th, 2011, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Prateek,

This script was a curious read for me.
The jump the shark pacing kept me reading through the format errors.
Phil mentioned several key errors, but there's more...
You never intro your characters, that's a kinda biggie there.
And your slugs are suffocating, give them breathing room "INT. BATHROOM - DAY"
The good news is most of your problems are format, which you can learn.

Good luck and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


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is producing a short based on my new feature!

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Sham
Posted: January 19th, 2011, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Prateek,

Not sure if you're around to read this, so I'll keep this brief.

You've got an okay story here, but the script just didn't work for me. The characters were extremely underdeveloped. I felt like nothing was at stake because we knew so little about the three. And as Phil pointed out, there were a few plot holes that just tanked the whole thing.

And if we are to assume this is a common occurrence at this house, why isn't it full of dead bodies by now? And what happens to their cars? These things linger in the back of your mind, and not in a good way.

Keep writing.

Chris


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pale yellow
Posted: October 23rd, 2011, 10:38am Report to Moderator
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The story was good...I liked the ending. With your descriptions you need to describe it like you were watching it at the movies to show the action.

On page 2 I think you meant either Jack or Jane where you had "Jake knocks on the door"

On page 5 "Blood flowing through her mouth" sounded weird to me because I was trying to picture that ...just awkward way to say it even though I knew what you meant...

Anyway, good story ...keep writing.....


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