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Paranormal Rise by Prateek Sachdeva - Short, Horror - On a dark and rainy night, three people get locked inside an old house. This story chronicles the terrifying events they witness. 7 pages - pdf, format
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: January 8th, 2011, 11:14pm
I thought this was a decent story, Prateek. Nothing great, though the ending was a good one.
You need to learn a little more on how to format and how to write a script. This was very very wordy. I can easily see two pages being cut of the length.
We hear a sound of a car crash.
First line. First mistake. We are not there. We do not hear or see anything. Don't use that word in a script. Describe things as they can be recorded by the camera, or shown on the screen. In this case, describe a the sound of tires screeching, followed by a loud THUD.
Be careful with long blocks of texts:
Chris is searching the kitchen. As he walks by footsteps are heard behind him. He looks back but is unable to see anyone. As he looks in front he comes face to face with a hideous monster. After shaking in fear for a few moments he realizes it was just a mask pinned on the wall. Slowly, the fridge door opens. Crockery falls. A knife zooms out of the air and narrowly misses Chris. Chris runs out of the kitchen
Try to limit it two three lines at a time. If you need to describe a lot, split it up into several paragraphs. Each one could describe a visual or an idea:
Chris searches the kitchen. As he walks, footsteps are heard behind him. He looks back but is unable to see anyone.
As he looks in front he comes face to face with a hideous monster. After a moment he realizes it's just a mask pinned on the wall.
Slowly, the fridge door opens. Crockery falls. A knife zooms out of the air and narrowly misses him. He runs out of the kitchen
Two problems I had with the story are:
After the three run over their victim, they can't start the car. Once they throw the victim in the trunk, it starts right up. Why?
After the three bring the victim to the house, and discover no one is home, why do they break into the house to leave the body inside? Why not just throw it in the bushes?
I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here to learn formatting.
This script was a curious read for me. The jump the shark pacing kept me reading through the format errors. Phil mentioned several key errors, but there's more... You never intro your characters, that's a kinda biggie there. And your slugs are suffocating, give them breathing room "INT. BATHROOM - DAY" The good news is most of your problems are format, which you can learn.
Good luck and keep writing and rewriting!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Not sure if you're around to read this, so I'll keep this brief.
You've got an okay story here, but the script just didn't work for me. The characters were extremely underdeveloped. I felt like nothing was at stake because we knew so little about the three. And as Phil pointed out, there were a few plot holes that just tanked the whole thing.
And if we are to assume this is a common occurrence at this house, why isn't it full of dead bodies by now? And what happens to their cars? These things linger in the back of your mind, and not in a good way.