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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Blues Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Blues Man  (currently 1227 views)
Posted: January 9th, 2011, 9:20am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Blues Man by Bryson - Short, Action, Adventure -  Roderick, a blues guitar player and ex hit-man, is called to do one last job. Only problem, his target is just as skilled, if not more so, than him. 16 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: January 9th, 2011, 10:00am Report to Moderator

Long Island
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Take my advice with a grain of salt as I may be wrong. However, I noticed you used the gerund tense often throughout the script. However; that is passive and not the tense you should use when script writing. Anyone want to chime in?

Example- "Roderick gets out the car carrying the gift box by his side
as he walks up to the front door of the house."

you also say that by looking at one of the characters "We know." I thought you are not supposed to refer to the reader when writing a script. I could be wrong. I am new to script writing as well.

Error. You need to say "Roderick's." and shouldn't it be "his expression translates/conveys/reads (something to that effect) ?"----Roderick face is saying "Oh shit!" and "How did I let this
fool sneak up on me?!"

Ecuse me if I am wrong but do you have to repeated "King George?" Couldn't you jsut say "he?" ----------K

"King Joe directs The Blues Man to the couch in his living
King Joe nudges The Blues Man onto the couch, forcing him to
sit down.
King Joe keeps his gun locked on the contract killer.
King Joe then grabs a can of "RUSH" out a small MINI-FRIDGE.
King Joe takes the slender olive drab colored can, and
before he closes the door on the tiny fridge asks..."

The points listed above are only a few of the error I elected to point out.

This script didn't hold my attention, however; it may be some other person's cup of tea. Best of luck!


"Art is literacy of the heart" Elliot Eisner
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Posted: January 10th, 2011, 11:54pm Report to Moderator

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Thanks for the feed back. I havent taken a script writing class and I'm trying to teach myself how to write from examples and talking to others. Even though you didn't like it, thanks for taking the time to read it.

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Posted: January 11th, 2011, 10:20am Report to Moderator

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What does everybody else think? Any criticism is good criticism.

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Posted: September 3rd, 2011, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Chula Vista, Ca.   United States
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Bryson, I feel you about trying to learn about screewriting on your own. It is not easy, but you are at the right place to learn. I have been struggling for a couple of years to learn and am still working on it.

Here are a few things I noticed and I am far from an expert. Your story is there but you have so many formatting problems it's hard to muddle through. You start off with main character the "Blues Man" playing the guitar. How do we know he is the Blues man. Is he wearing a name tag that says it. You can't tell the reader that information, you have to show it in some way. You could trim that whole part down to two or three lines.

The flashon you do about the blues man killing people is really not necessary at this point, I feel,  especially since you have of montage of the same thing later on.

Again you have a character named Ecks-Ray who you describe as Roderick's unofficial boss in the hitman world. How do we know that? This has to be established through dialogue, it can't be told to us in an action line.

The whole description of King Joe is probably not necessary and can wait until we meet him face to face later on. The montage is not formatted properly here. Google how to write a montage and follow the directions. I did that myself to learn about writing one.

You have a narrator with this long speech about king Joe I believe. If you have this situation it is a (V.O.) not a (O.S.) by the way.

Get rid of all the "cut to"'s  they are unnecessary.

Also some of the time you refer to Roderick by his name sometimes you call him the bluesman. Try and stick with one or the other for consistency.

Just a few things I found. I stopped at page six. But you get the idea. The story is fine, just work on your formatting and your action lines. Hope anything I said was of some help. Good luck with your re-write.  Marvin.  
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