SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:57pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Zombie Cowboy Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 16 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Zombie Cowboy  (currently 1464 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Zombie Cowboy by Justin Cantrell - Short, Horror, Western - A cowboy in search of his family after a zombie attack. 18 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
khed
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 6:31am Report to Moderator
New


High hopes and low expectations...

Location
Tokyo
Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi Justin

I like the scenario, but I couldn't finish due to basic English errors and the density. It's more like a short story than a screenplay in large chinks.

Anyway, you really need to proofread or you'll piss people off. If you want them to take the time to read and comment, you need to take the time to clean up the little mistakes. On the 1st page alone I grabbed these problems:

* "All signs of life cease to exist." (there were signs, and they suddenly ceased?) - There are no signs of life.
* "...carrying the rainstorms water towards and off beat path..." - an off-beat
* "It piers out..." - peers
* "the rips and tares" - tears

You've also got lots of problems with things like 'their - there - they're" and "its - it's" and apostrophes. Pay me $5/page and I'll be happy to clean that shit up for you (I did most of the 1st page already for free).

-----------

Other than the English stuff:

I couldn't figure out why the ranger would leave his family in the wagon and go off into the darkness. Why didn't he stay and protect them at the wagon? Seems like a hockey goalie going out to center ice to get the puck. He loses my sympathy for this move. He needs a better reason, like maybe something was left behind, or a human voice cries for help.

You kind of lost me after that, but I tried.

Respectfully,
khed


I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
-Ronnie Shakes
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 4
khed
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 6:33am Report to Moderator
New


High hopes and low expectations...

Location
Tokyo
Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Yikes!

That should be "chunks"--stupid fat fingers...


I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
-Ronnie Shakes
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 4
Eoin
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 7:19am Report to Moderator
Been Around


just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Location
Ireland
Posts
638
Posts Per Day
0.12
I have a question Justin, have you ever actually seen a bog, marsh, moore, swamp, peatland etc? The one you describe is alot different from the ones I've seen . . .



Your script should start with a FADE IN:

You need to format your slugs correctly EXT. BOG AT DAWN EXT. BOG - DAWN
It piers should be peers

the rips and tares. should be tears

Your descriptions need to be more economical and concise - break up large blocks into readable 4 sentence blocks. You have one huge block of description on page 11 that could give someone indigestion.

CAP your characters when you intoduce them follwed by a brief description. You do not need to CAP them in dialouge or thereafter.

Lets pray their Indians then. should be Let's pray they're Indians then.

You're script has lots of little typos. you need to comb through it and correct these.

You need to move away from telling us and start showing us what's happening.

any adds before... any aids before ?

The story isn't bad, it just need alot of tightening and refining.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 4
Baltis.
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Reads like you sat down; ohhhhhh, around October, and played copious amounts of Red Dead Redemption's absurdly overpriced Zombie DLC to me.  Then quickly jotted this one down in a memory serves kind of way.

Pretty ballsy passing this off as your own. Wait, what am I saying?  Rockstar should be sued for plagiarism themselves for all the content they've stolen, borrowed and absorbed without permission other than the claim of "Oh, it's in homage to."

So, other than a weak story, tripe dialogue and too much exposition you should be fine.  And if Rockstar would come knocking at your door just tell them your script was "In Homage to."  

That'll get'em.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 4
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006