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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Zombie Cowboy Moderators: bert
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  Author    Zombie Cowboy  (currently 1278 views)
Don
Posted: January 23rd, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Zombie Cowboy by Justin Cantrell - Short, Horror, Western - A cowboy in search of his family after a zombie attack. 18 pages - pdf, format


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khed
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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High hopes and low expectations...

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Hi Justin

I like the scenario, but I couldn't finish due to basic English errors and the density. It's more like a short story than a screenplay in large chinks.

Anyway, you really need to proofread or you'll piss people off. If you want them to take the time to read and comment, you need to take the time to clean up the little mistakes. On the 1st page alone I grabbed these problems:

* "All signs of life cease to exist." (there were signs, and they suddenly ceased?) - There are no signs of life.
* "...carrying the rainstorms water towards and off beat path..." - an off-beat
* "It piers out..." - peers
* "the rips and tares" - tears

You've also got lots of problems with things like 'their - there - they're" and "its - it's" and apostrophes. Pay me $5/page and I'll be happy to clean that shit up for you (I did most of the 1st page already for free).

-----------

Other than the English stuff:

I couldn't figure out why the ranger would leave his family in the wagon and go off into the darkness. Why didn't he stay and protect them at the wagon? Seems like a hockey goalie going out to center ice to get the puck. He loses my sympathy for this move. He needs a better reason, like maybe something was left behind, or a human voice cries for help.

You kind of lost me after that, but I tried.

Respectfully,
khed


I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
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khed
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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High hopes and low expectations...

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Yikes!

That should be "chunks"--stupid fat fingers...


I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, but then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
-Ronnie Shakes
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Eoin
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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I have a question Justin, have you ever actually seen a bog, marsh, moore, swamp, peatland etc? The one you describe is alot different from the ones I've seen . . .



Your script should start with a FADE IN:

You need to format your slugs correctly EXT. BOG AT DAWN EXT. BOG - DAWN
It piers should be peers

the rips and tares. should be tears

Your descriptions need to be more economical and concise - break up large blocks into readable 4 sentence blocks. You have one huge block of description on page 11 that could give someone indigestion.

CAP your characters when you intoduce them follwed by a brief description. You do not need to CAP them in dialouge or thereafter.

Lets pray their Indians then. should be Let's pray they're Indians then.

You're script has lots of little typos. you need to comb through it and correct these.

You need to move away from telling us and start showing us what's happening.

any adds before... any aids before ?

The story isn't bad, it just need alot of tightening and refining.


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Baltis.
Posted: February 2nd, 2011, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Reads like you sat down; ohhhhhh, around October, and played copious amounts of Red Dead Redemption's absurdly overpriced Zombie DLC to me.  Then quickly jotted this one down in a memory serves kind of way.

Pretty ballsy passing this off as your own. Wait, what am I saying?  Rockstar should be sued for plagiarism themselves for all the content they've stolen, borrowed and absorbed without permission other than the claim of "Oh, it's in homage to."

So, other than a weak story, tripe dialogue and too much exposition you should be fine.  And if Rockstar would come knocking at your door just tell them your script was "In Homage to."  

That'll get'em.
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