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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Prez Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 25th, 2011, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Prez by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - In 1962 Joe's son Jack was President. But he wasn't running things the way 'the boys' wanted. 8 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: January 28th, 2011, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea for a short, was kinda missing a real conclusion though.  Obviously knowing the real story we can see where this is hinting at, but in the script no climax and nothings really resolved.
Not really sure what you could have done and stayed with the idea though...
In any case it was well written, and formatting was good.  Good luck with it.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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chelsea
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 3:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jack.

Thank you for the read and the positive comments. Always very inspirational for me.

As for the ending, I know what you mean, but I really didn't want to go down the route of the 'original' story (22nd November 1963), although I alluded to it when Peter says "We'll take him out Joe, no s**t". That's the main reason I kept the scene in 1962.

I must be going a bit soft because I wanted the reader (and hopefully someday, the viewer), to think that after the boys spoke to Jack, he may mend his ways, fall in line, gain redemption...something like that.

There must have been a few conversations along the lines of this one that took place during that period and who knows what world we'd be living in now if the hit hadn't happened?

Once again Jack, thank you so much.

OMG! Just cottoned on. Your name is Jack....spoooooky!

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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stevie
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Martin, interesting little short here!

I'm a big Marilyn fan, so have read heaps of stuff about her and the Kennedy boys. Personally, i believe Bobby had her murdered on that fateful August night in 62, and have written stories about guys time travelling back to save her. But enough of that...

i like the way you didn't give us the full names of everyone. In fact, maybe you could ditch the title and the log and just have something about a 'man's buddies turn to his father to reel in his avaricous ways'. Then we read the script and realise just exactly who 'they' are? Just a thought anyway...

I remember reading that old Joe was the horniest bugger of all the Kennedys - he just passed on his randiness to the boys!!

Your writing was neat, formatting good, so nice one!!

Cheers stevie


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chelsea
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie.

I am so honored when someone not only reads my scripts but comments on them...thank you very much.

I love this era. Marilyn was a queen, Frank and the Rat Pack ruled (and always will) and the Kennedy boys were really just bit players in the bigger picture.

You're perfectly correct about Joe. Just imagine if he'd been around now with Viagra! Shoot, yer dog wouldn't be safe.

I also believe Bobby took out Marilyn when he was gonna be Attorney General, when she threatened to reveal her personal diaries, and I'd love to read your work on that.

Also, thanks for the pos comments on my writing. I came on this site Around April last year (think) and because of the feedback I've received from the guys here I've moved on from an opinionated know-all to a humble writer thirsting for more Knowledge and direction.

By the way, I'm very serious about your 'Marilyn' work...

Very best.

Martin


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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jwent6688
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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CAP THREE MEN when you intro them without names. You cap them when you intro them individually also. Which is good, I think the intro of characters has to be noted with caps. even if you plan to describe them later.

I think you describe these characters too much for a short. Their looks better pertain to something in the story, otherwise its a wast IMO.

You've been getting heavy with cutting down your dialogue with apostrophes. trying to create a lingo.

DEAN
Maybe we give him a chance to
explain. S’gotta be tough tryin’ to
control a boy like Jack.

- I don't believe the way a character says one thing or another establishes him. moreso what he/she says. Not the way they said it. I believe your actors would change theses lines to their own a bit when they get into character. I think you should ease up on them.

I love Homburg hats. Gonna buy myself one. Too much description that doesn't have anything to do with the script again.

"Joseph pouts," - just a bad description. did he throw down his drink and begin to wail? I think you should change it.

I love the joke. Their not the Mob, Their fogies. Laughed when I got to the end. I thought you were too misleading thoug. Unrealistic.

FRANK
Too fuckin’ smart for his own good.
Word is he’s comin’ in to stop the
girls and control our booze deals. - That's too misleading IMO. I can unerstand the golf cart girls, but calling it booxe "deals" is a bit much. Maybe "raising the prices" woul be better.

I'm gonna admit, I'm still laughing. Fine work. You could make the delivery a bit more potent IMO.

I don't get the mention of Sammy.

Either way, I think this is comedic gold. It needs sharpeneing, but the -- I'm still laughing!

You need one character to be a prop IMO. Help set up the end a little better.


I think Peter should be a tempremental , foul mouthed fool. Build Character.  You really can't discern one from the other as it sits. Plus his part is rather small. "I'll whack his knee caps with my five iron!" You need some character in this. And leads to the ending.

I wanna see this one work for you Martin. It's brilliant IMO. Though, now I know where you were going, I think I could have written it better. Its when you write it so good I have nothing to say... Then I bow down.

James


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hello Martin,

Congrats on posting a new script.
It's nice to see period pieces pop up now and again.
This was a slow read for me for a couple of reasons.
Your vintage descriptions are pretty thick.
Those kind of references work better in a feature.
But here, most feel superfluous to the short story.
The bigger thing was the apostrophes and slang dialogue.
It was difficult for me to get a good read on with the heavy punctuation.
In the end, I couldn't get into the script because of lack of conflict.
The three fellas in the room are all basically after the same thing.
When their motivations line up so well, it's hard to keep the drama going.
Everyone has the same agenda, until Joe shows up.
The narrow dynamic doesn't leave much room for character fireworks.
I applaud the effort, you put a lot of effort into your concept.
But the drama dynamic doesn't play out on the page to good effect.

Thanks for posting  and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Craiger6
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin,

I thought this was pretty cool, and like James, I got a nice laugh out of the ending.  In fact, after finishing, I went back and re-read the beginning and the Sammy reference made sense.

It read very smoothly for me, though at times I was a little concerned about where you were going (***SPOILERS*** i.e. that the Rat Pack somehow played a role in the Kennedy Assassination), but the ending was terrific and brought it around for me.

Couple of things, though.  You have Peter (Lawford I presume) say:

"We�ll take him out Joe, no shit."

I admittedly don't know much about the Rat Pack, but wasn't Lawford more of a yes man.  Also, he was married to one of the Kennedy sisters, so shouldn't he be a bit more deferential to Joe?  It's not a big deal, and I don't know how closely you want to mirror real life here with your characters, but I figured I would throw it out there.

Also, how bout a little Sam Gianacana appearance - after all he was the one who fixed Chi-town for JFK!!!

Anyway, I thought this was a joob well done.  Thanks for sharing.

Craig


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chelsea
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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James, James, James.

I love you, I hate you!

Anyone (and you're the first) that's used my name and brilliant in the same sentence....sh*t man, I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

You pick me up and put me down...it's great, and maybe, just maybe you could've written it better, who knows? Actually yeah you could've.

Okay. The Sammy ref. is because back then black people weren't allowed to mix with us WASPS. We've come a looooong way since then, thank God!

Any way the mental picture of you bowing is enough for me. Gotta get my Macdonalds breakfast right now, so bye!

The dumb p**ck

I'm thinking of doing a real weepie next. Wanna collaborate?

Always the very best.

M.



My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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chelsea
Posted: January 29th, 2011, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett.

Once again thanks for the read.

I always read your posts two or three times (whether mine or others) as they are for ever incisive, articulate and constructive.

I take on board everything you've said and will put it to good use in the future.

This is a spoof, a satirical piece which maybe I took a little too light-heartedly, but it really is meant to be a bit of fun.

Anyhoo, thanks once again for the read. I read 'LIE DETECTOR' recently. Took me into another place....good job.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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chelsea
Posted: January 30th, 2011, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Craig.

Many, many thanks for the read(s) and your great comments.

Glad you got the Sammy ref. Let's hope we've all moved on since them days.

I had dear ol' Sammy in the original script but realized that he wouldn't have been welcomed in the club. I then changed him to Joey Bishop, but Joe, Joey, Jack...too many J's, so I ended up with Peter.

In retrospect maybe Peter should've had Dean's lines, but Dean's my fave of the Ratpack so I needed him to look at least halfway decent.

I actually toyed with the idea of introducing a mob guy such as Sam G. but decided against it. Could work though!

Thanks again Craig. Glad you enjoyed it.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 8th, 2011, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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Martin...

You're poping out shorts left and right.   No need to put your name down... I'd recognize your writing anywhere.  It's like a fingerprint.

I can't say I laughed at this one, but don't read too much into that... I'm known for not having a sense of humor.

You kind of left me hanging at the end of this. Maybe this was on purpose.  Nevertheless, I thought this was a solid effort.

Clearly you're coming into your own as a writer and finding your voice.  And if you haven't... not too far ahead, you should see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Good Luck

Ghost


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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chelsea
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ghost.

Thanks for reading this one and for your most welcome comments on my writing style.

I really have to thank this site and the guys on it for teaching me so much in the last year and it was you who first brought me down to earth with a bang! Boy, am I ever indebted to you.

The ending was deliberately left hanging, as this just a spoof, with the whole conversation having a double meaning.

Nevertheless I'm so pumped right now.

Thanks Ghost.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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khamanna
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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This is well written and interesting.

I thought it would go different direction - so you fooled me there - don't know if it's intentional.
I'd like it more if it went different direction, something mysterious or criminal - obviously I'm not into this kind of premise but this is my problem

I think you've accomplished your goal with this short - it's on the pages, clear, well written. I also think that it's not for everyone, given the subtlety of the premise, but you probably know that.

Logline gives away a bit much I think - it's practically your whole short in one sentence. But don't know if it's wrong or how to fix it.
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chelsea
Posted: February 9th, 2011, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna.

Many thanks for the read. Glad you found it interesting and I'm flattered by your comments.

You're probably right about the log line, but like you I'm not really certain how to fix it.

I toyed briefly with the idea of keeping it in the 'Mob Mode' but chose the other route.

Sure it's not for everyone, no script ever is but if I can provoke thought, comment and provide a semblance of a surprise element at the end, I have, as you say,
accomplished something.

Really appreciate your time and kind words.

Best.

Martin.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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