The Beta Test by Tyler Leisher - Short - When Clyde Williams peers into his neighbors window and sees him as a robot, he sets in motion a struggle for his life.  10 pages - pdf, format

This is my first attempt at a script, I've rewritten it a few times to make it tighter.. not sure if I can post that here or not but if people would like to see it let me know.

It's meant as a teaser for a feature or a web series pilot.

C&Cs are welcome, like I said, its my first attempt so anything you can tell me to make me improve I'm for.

Popped this one open and decided I'd take a look. Format:

Lose the scene numbers left and right justified.
Turn off the continued feature - I know there's more on the next page.
This is a big tell. SHOW US what's on screen. Film is a visual medium.
Lose description like 'we see' and 'we follow' etc.
Character description: CLYDE (20's) brown hair, an everyday man.
Get rid of the exclaimation marks after character dialouge.

'The mail is addressed to Clyde, he stops when he sees the
name "Frank Molina" on a large manila envelope.'

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

Thanks for the feedback, I just had a few questions...

Lose the scene numbers left and right justified.
I've seen these in some scripts before, but its just for shooting right? I shouldn't have them in there until it's in production. Or do I not put them in at all?

Turn off the continued feature - I know there's more on the next page.
I was told this was standard practice amongst formatting, was I misinformed?

This is a big tell. SHOW US what's on screen. Film is a visual medium.
Could you give any examples of where I told but didn't show?

Lose description like 'we see' and 'we follow' etc.
Get rid of the exclaimation marks after character dialouge.
These two kind of go together, I've been reading a lot of scripts (Mostly multi-million dollar ones or ones that have won/been nominated for Oscars) and I've seen almost all of them use "we see" or "we hear" and all of them use exclamation marks.

Is there any supporting matter for not using those tools? (Books, other scripts, etc) cause I know I've seen Aaron Sorkin, Christopher Nolan, John August and the writer of the Harry Potter films do it.

Character description: CLYDE (20's) brown hair, an everyday man.
Got it, I'll change that.

'The mail is addressed to Clyde, he stops when he sees the
name "Frank Molina" on a large manila envelope.'

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.
He is going through his mail, all of it is addressed to him but he stops when he notices an envelope with someone elses name on it. Should I reword that so it makes more sense?

I liked it.

Two things are worth mentioning though, I think:

I was not convinced when Clyde started suspecting John. I didn't understand why he would immediately think that everyone is like that.

And another - I was waiting for something else for the ending, I thought it would be something mysterious and more exciting. A businessman building a city and populating it with robots is good but it includes everyone Clyde knows (and not himself) - that makes it a little unbelievable and easy.

Quoted from tleisher Thanks for the feedback, I just had a few questions... Lose the scene numbers left and right justified. I've seen these in some scripts before, but its just for shooting right? I shouldn't have them in there until it's in production. Or do I not put them in at all? Turn off the continued feature - I know there's more on the next page. I was told this was standard practice amongst formatting, was I misinformed? This is a big tell. SHOW US what's on screen. Film is a visual medium. Could you give any examples of where I told but didn't show? Lose description like 'we see' and 'we follow' etc. Get rid of the exclaimation marks after character dialouge. These two kind of go together, I've been reading a lot of scripts (Mostly multi-million dollar ones or ones that have won/been nominated for Oscars) and I've seen almost all of them use "we see" or "we hear" and all of them use exclamation marks. Is there any supporting matter for not using those tools? (Books, other scripts, etc) cause I know I've seen Aaron Sorkin, Christopher Nolan, John August and the writer of the Harry Potter films do it. Character description: CLYDE (20's) brown hair, an everyday man. Got it, I'll change that. 'The mail is addressed to Clyde, he stops when he sees the name "Frank Molina" on a large manila envelope.' THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. He is going through his mail, all of it is addressed to him but he stops when he notices an envelope with someone elses name on it. Should I reword that so it makes more sense?

Most scripts you see are shooting scripts. Do not include scene numbers, camera angles, continueds (total waste of time and not necessary, people know there is another page coming) Forget what you see in scripts by known established writers and multi million dollar movies.

These are written by people already in the business, they can be flexible with format, you are an unknow writer, you can't, that's the difference. Stick to the format, show you know how to write. When you become well known, break all the rules you want, write in in pencil on the back of a cereal box for all I care.

Don't use we see or we follow. 'WE' are not there. Remember, you're writing a spec script. Don't copy what known writers do.

'The mail is addressed to Clyde, he stops when he sees the
name "Frank Molina" on a large manila envelope.'

This is telling, not showing, that's why it doesn't make sense. Make it visual. Don't tell us what character see or think, let us deduce tha from the visuals, show their reactions.

Clyde leafs through his mail. He pauses on a manila envelope.

The letter reads 'FRANK MOLINA'.

Clyde frowns and shakes his head. He heaves out a heavy SIGH.

This shows - it doesn't tell. From Clydes reaction,  shake of his head, we can deduce that he's annoyed at this and perhaps it's a regular occurance by the sigh. Then, you don't need to break into expositional dialouge telling us this. Use dialouge to show character traits and advance the story forward. Don't use it to tell us the story.

If you want a good book try How to Write Great Screenplays and get them into Production by Linda M James. Save the Cat by Blake Sdyner is also a recommended read by writers on this site.

Hope this helps.

tleisher... when you get a chance check out the podcast below.  It's really good.  They also hit upon 'we see'.  Brian makes some good points.  Yes opinions vary and are wide on the subject.

Personally I would never use them.  Most of the time it's redundant. Your action descriptions are supposed to be all visual, so if you're writing it, the assumption is we're seeing it.  After all, you don't write "We hear" before every line of dialogue, do we?

And if you do more research the general answer is... "if you do choose to use them... do so in moderation, preferably sparingly."

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-RadioSimply/m-1297020764/

Hope this helps.  I'd definitely loose the scene numbers though.

Good luck

Ghost