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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  90 Feet From Home Moderators: bert
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  Author    90 Feet From Home  (currently 3148 views)
Don
Posted: March 30th, 2011, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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90 Feet From Home by Brett Bentman - Drama - After being released from prison, Sheldon Lennon attempts to piece his life back together in suburban New Jersey. 98 pages - pdf, format


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therasoft
Posted: February 20th, 2012, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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I like the script.  Clearly heartfelt.
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ajr
Posted: February 20th, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Great first page, which made me want to read more (sorry, can't right now though!). And that's SO important because it gets you into the MAYBE pile on a reader's desk...

The logline however will not get anyone to read it. I've said this many times before - get rid of the proper name. We don't know Sheldon Lennon and unless he's related to John we don't quite yet care. Use this space to tell us about him instead of giving us his name. Was he wrongly accused? Is he a hardened criminal or a petty thief or drug dealer? Stuff like that.

Also, you can lose the "after being" to give yourself the opportunity to use more words in describing Sheldon. In other words "Released from prison, a petty drug dealer tries to piece his life back together in suburban New Jersey."


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Gaviano
Posted: February 24th, 2012, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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I read the first 30 odd pages. It reads really well so far. I like the story and I like the character. Im generally drawn towards characters who have had issues or tragedies in their life and enjoy finding out about their past as I read a script. From what Ive read so far there is nothing clearly wrong with your script, the one (small) issue I have is really just an opinion. MINOR SPOILER  I dont know if I believe that Amy would be so open and nice to Sheldon at the beginning and later on when they meet again. Im also sceptical about how his brother and sister in law welcome him in without question. Again its just my opinion and its maybe something you explain or reveal later on.
I will probably go back to your script shortly.
PS im no expert and in fact this is my first post (after browsing the site for many months) and im looking forward to reading more scripts and posting my own soon enough.


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toecampbell
Posted: April 3rd, 2012, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this so far.  Your opening few pages had me intrigued.  I loved your descriptions, very vivid.  I fully intend to return to this and finish the read later, but my stuff and 2 restless kids are in the way just now.  Oh, one little thing, you were maybe a little hungry when writing page 6: "Amy crepes up behind him".
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MitchellRait
Posted: December 11th, 2013, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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90 Feet From Home

Brett, I enjoyed reading your script.  It reminded me a little bit of Dennis Farina in The Last Rites of Joe May.

I am by no means an expert in screenwriting format, but I thought that ACTION LINES conveyed character’s feelings and emotions through their "actions", i.e., what they literally do on screen - not prose as in a novel.  For example, page 1 "seem to take a lifetime"; page 2 "he carries his regret with him"; page 2 "he can feel her disapproving glances"; page 4 "he's not good with people"; page 6 "there's something cryptic about him; page 16 "you can tell he's been there, done that"; page 30 "you can tell he wants to scream"; page 30 "if it weren't below freezing - it might be a nice place to stay" etc. etc. etc.  You cannot write in a script what the audience can't see or hear.

I also was taught never to us "we" or "we see" or similar references to the reader.  For example, page 1 "Upon us now"; page 11 "We bounce around a bit"; page 96 "We find Amy".

TYPOS: I stopped noting typos after page 22, but there are many more:
page 12 "Expose piping"
page 14 "they exchange and half-hearted handshake"
page 16 "he's finding in on the map"
page 17 "past himself down"
page 18 "can I get you drink"
page 19 "She;s"
page 20 "a long time an all"
page 21 "Sheldon sits his his hands"
page 21 "trying to force a car appear"
page 22 "you doing on here"
page 88 "perminant"
page 94 "montra"
page 96 "pacakage",

Generally, by page 20 -25, act one should end and act two should begin.  Nothing happens until page 60 when Mack shows up.  

How did Sheldon wind up owing money while in prison??  What did he do in prison to incur such a debt??

Overall, I enjoyed it but it read like a novel, not a screenplay to be submitted to a movie producer.
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