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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Creatures Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 27th, 2011, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Creatures -- "Pilot" by Christopher Campbell, Ian Hollister, Simon Ellsworth, and Tom Hollander - Series, Comedy - A mockumentary-styled series that follows the day-to-day lives of an upper class suburban family, and learn that they're not so different for any other. 36 pages - pdf, format


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booboo
Posted: May 11th, 2011, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Good script. It has a nice beginning, but it also has grammatical errors and sometimes doesn't read right. Plus, so much more material could have been added to the plot. I just felt like it needed to be shapened out more. More detail, depth, and character development. And I would drop the mockumentary style, too. It's too much like "Modern Family". It needs to be more original as well. Maybe another draft will make it perfect.

Good luck,
YogiBear

P.S. An act doesn't end with "Cut to black". It ends with "End of Act ..." And the epilogue act isn't called "Credits Act". It's called a "Tag". And a "Cold Open" shouldn't really be them having dinner, because a "Cold Open" introduces what happening later on in the episode with just one scene or two.

P.S.S. Jenna led the episode. The characters felt as though, to me, as if they needed more screentime. Just don't leave Michael at the office or Francine at the senior center. Give them all an obstacle they need to overcome by the end or in the end. A meatier plot is basically what I'm trying to say. Francine is a great character. She needed more scenes and dialogue, maybe give her a background she could talk about. And Emily was a stereotypical teenage girl. I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, but a great script tends to stray away from stereotypes. Give her more meaning. And close up the plotholes that, in my eyes, just leaped right out of the page.
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guk
Posted: May 16th, 2011, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey

Don't really post much around here,but I saw this and intrigued me a little, so thought have a little read of it.  I'm not a great reviewer, but here's a few of my points on the script/story.  Hope isn't too critical, just few points picked up on.

First, the opening was kind of funny.  Although I wasn't sure of a few things in opening.  Emily stating 'hope it doesnt taste like crap'? Just had me think, why didn't the Mom say something to her, like, 'well thanks for the vote of confidence hun'? or something like 'be quiet'.

At first, I had to get my head around the 'TALKING HEAD' titles, and wondered what you meant by it.  I understand it now, which I presume is them sitting in front of a camera which is focused only on them?  Not sure if better way to state this, but like I say confused me at start for a moment.

Start of Act Two.  I personally would have had it open the other way around.  Start on the development, then row of houses, then the home of the family.  The way it acted for me, is that you started at the home, and moved away like something was going to happen elsewhere in the city, but jumped back into the house?  Starting upon the development and moving into the home indicates your moving into their lives of their nice home.

Little confused?  It began again after a weekend, and yet Jenna stated that Emily had a lacross game yesterday?  Presumably at school and yet was a monday morning, so no school weekend?  I could be wrong with this and maybe they do play it on weekends, but was confusing and picked up on that.

Hmmm, why did Michael only say No! to Larry when they got out of the car?  It's not really an answer to his line.

When Jenna meets Jim and Renee, Renee states shes worried about her kids adapting to a new school, home etc.  But then Jim states, they're kind of used to it?  Has to be one of the other surely?

The david flashback of him crying at clown and reason why, thought was funny.

Nurse on phone to Jenna?  Is the Nurse supposed to be (V.O.) or does it switch to Senior Center and back to home?

At Hospital.  Why is Jenna asking the Receptionist if David is okay?  And why would she answer 'I think so', as it's not her call?  Maybe a Nurse of Doctor comes out a room with them?

Thought ending of show may have focused a bit more on the family, than the neighbours, as presumed they were 'stars' of the show?


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