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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Playing God Moderators: bert
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  Author    Playing God  (currently 537 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Playing God by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - Dr. Brian Shepperd is a seemingly innocent businessman working late one night when he is visited by F.B.I. agent Elliot Gray.  The two discuss several seemingly disconnected deaths, but as the facts become clearer, it begins to look like Dr. Shepperd is a wanted man. 10 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 29th, 2011, 6:03pm
revised script
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crookedowl
Posted: May 20th, 2011, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS:

It was a pretty good script until the end. I felt like there needed to be a twist...maybe Shepperd could escape, and then go after Gray. I was already expecting Shepperd to die, and so I felt the script needed a twist.

I did notice a some things that you could change in the script:

-One thing you should do is take out the scene numbers. Scene numbers are only used in shooting scripts.

-You need to write character names in ALL CAPS when a new character is introduced.

-There doesn't have to be a : after the character name above dialogue. So

     GRAY:
Hello.


Should be cahnged to:

     GRAY
Hello.



Quoted Text
A man steps out of a car on the outside of a modern looking skyscraper. His name is Elliot Gray


This could be changed to "ELLIOT GRAY steps out of a car on the outside of a modern looking skyscraper."

-Some of your paragraphs were a little long. Usually paragraphs in a script should be four lines at most. There was an eleven-line paragraph on page 8 that could be made shorter. And you could add another slugline when Gray leaves Shepperd's office.


Still, I liked your script. Good job.
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