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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Liftside Shots Moderators: bert
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  Author    Liftside Shots  (currently 1023 views)
Don
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 1:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Liftside Shots by Gillain Fu (gigifufu) - Short, Drama, Suspense  - A lift ride is not always what you expect it to be... especially if there's a killer in there. 3 - pdf, format


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Trojan
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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If the writer is around would be interesting to hear what they were going for with this. At the moment it makes zero sense to me, I'm afraid.
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wonkavite
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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It looks like Gillian has been a member for a few months but, if you look at her posting history, she only thanks others for reading her scripts.  She hasn't commented on anyone else's.
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albinopenguin
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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given that her short was only 3 pages, i ignored her posting history and gave this one a look. unfortunately i have no idea what the hell is going on in this short. several characters are interjected randomly without any introduction whatsoever. the ending seemed pretty obvious (and cliched) as well.


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crookedowl
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from albinopenguin
given that her short was only 3 pages, i ignored her posting history and gave this one a look. unfortunately i have no idea what the hell is going on in this short. several characters are interjected randomly without any introduction whatsoever. the ending seemed pretty obvious (and cliched) as well.


Exactly. I've never read a great three-page story before. There's no time to introduce characters, or build suspense. The script starts, and thirty seconds later, it's over. I just don't understand scripts this short.

The only advice I can give is to re-write, introduce the characters better, come up with a better ending, and make it longer.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but this is really bad.  Just about every possible mistake in the book is on display here.  Way too many to even begin with.

Congrats on completing a script, now you need to learn what's wrong with it and how to avoid these mistakes next time.  Read scripts in here and learn.

Good luck.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Angry Bear
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from crookedowl


Exactly. I've never read a great three-page story before. There's no time to introduce characters, or build suspense. The script starts, and thirty seconds later, it's over. I just don't understand scripts this short.

The only advice I can give is to re-write, introduce the characters better, come up with a better ending, and make it longer.


I disagree with you there. There are 1 page competitions out there. I have written two 1 pagers myself and both work. I hate plugging my own stuff. I seldom do that, but you can checkout End Of The Tour here at SS to see that it can be done. It was produced too...

This particular script though does not work. I agree with that.  


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shane
Posted: June 28th, 2011, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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You could probably just have your first slug be INT. HEART HOSPITAL LOBBY and then omit the INSERT SIGN and save some space.

The news reporter says to be on the lookout for Howard Wranger, yet provides no description whatsoever. Might be a little hard to report this phantom psychopath.

I find it suspicious the MAN has no name but his girlfriend does. I believe my suspicions prove to be correct as the MAN turns out to be the psycho Howard instead of the 19 year old Howard with the unfortunate same name.

It's hard to build up a lot of suspense in two pages, especially with an idea like this. My advice is to really think about what story you're telling here, because as of now we have no idea who any of these characters are or what they are doing. Once you've done that, flesh this out a bit more and give us some more context. Try to work on being a little more subtle because it becomes quite obvious what's going to happen.

Speaking of which, I'd get rid of that title immediately. Imagine if The Sixth Sense were really named He's Actually Dead. See what I'm saying?
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ajr
Posted: June 29th, 2011, 8:14am Report to Moderator
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It's also an extremely awkward title and a good example of why a title is so important. I know it's probably a British piece since they call elevators "lifts", however a title, besides conveying the gist of the story, should sound good when you're saying it.

"What do you want to go see?"

"How about 'Liftside Shots'?"

See?


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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gigifufu
Posted: July 2nd, 2011, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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This is Gillian... And yes it is British. Not really sure what I was going for here and I can see te thousands of mistakes in it. Any suggestions? And the reasons as to why I'm so rarely on is cause I have no time. Also this was kinda scribbled down in half an hour and I just wanted to know what people found wrong with it.... So any more input even if mean would be appreciated. I'm also researching how to structure one/two page shorts if they are even possible....
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Eoin
Posted: July 2nd, 2011, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Gillian - I have commented on all your shorts so far. Based on the comments I see here, I decided NOT to read this. Why? All of the mistakes you have made in your others shorts, it seems you have repeated here. Why then do you drop your script off expecting feedback, when you clearly do not take on board what is being said?

If memory serves me correctly, I think you disclosed that you are 14? If that's correct, your excuse about not having any time is a pretty weak one. You're off school right now. Everyone else here wroks a full time job and has family commitments etc, yet they MAKE the time to read other peoples work and provide detailed and helpful feedback.

If this really was scribbled down in half and hour, why did you even bother to post it? You also say you knew it had mistakes, again, why post a script with mistakes? Nobody wants to waste the precious time they have reading incomplete work. If you are looking for approval, show this to your parents, I'm sure they'd be more than happy to lavish lots of compliments on you.

On the other hand, if you're serious about writing scripts :

1. Take on board all the comments that you recieved in the past and work on the weaknesses in your scripts.
2. Buy some books and learn how to format and script correctly.
3. Read scripts and see how they are written.

Eoin
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gigifufu
Posted: July 2nd, 2011, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Eoin,

First of all, it's not a lame excuse cause if you read the post before you'd see that I was british and therefore still in school....
Second of all thank you.
Thirdly, no I am not looking for pounds of loving advice from my parents cause although people may be mean-they're correct and yes, I may be repeating mistakes but I have learnt some things along the way which I wouldn't have learnt if I as you said was seeking miles of lavishment which btw my parents wouldn't give to me anyway. I do take offense to that comment but not to any others that you have made so far while reading my scripts.

Gillian
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Forgive
Posted: July 4th, 2011, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Keys things to remember are that scripts are eventually seen, not read - a viewer wouldn't know that Howard is called Howard unless someone is the films says "Hi Howard".

The way to get this across is to spend a little more time with Howard - making him 'look shady and nervous is a little too brief - give a little more detail to why he is so suspicious.

Man and Sophia should be Man and Woman - and I don't think you should have him 'bite his lips nervously' - if Howard is nervous, then keep the nerves for him, don't share them around - he needs to be 'our nervous one'.

One last piece of advice that I'd give - for a short this short, try and 'declutter' - no people milling around, no nurse etc. Just the Man and the Woman and Howard, sets up a more tense atmosphere, and gives you a little more time and space to build up the characters that you have.

Good luck.
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