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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Shopping Cart
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Don
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 6:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shopping Cart by Steve Burton (steveb) - Short, Drama - Jan takes a fold able shopping cart from a stranger assuming he took it from under her porch. After realizing this mistake, she goes on a quest to find him for a return of his cart along with the slim hope of finding her long lost son. 10 pages

production:This story about guilt and redemption is the shortest version of a much longer story that could also be developed for screen.


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (8 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 28th, 2019, 1:59pm
revised draft
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Abeoldieboy
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know about you guys but it came up fine for me. You got some errors. Some are little. Like

EXT. STAIR STEPS - FOLLOWING

You could describe the steps in the action line. I really don't know about following. I would use CONTINUOUS. But that's just me.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 4th, 2012, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Yeah, there are issues here for sure.

Not sure what software you're using but it looks like it's giving you problems.  Dialogue does not look to be properly centered.  "FOLLOWING" is not a correct time element.  Way too much detail, too many Slugs, and really unbelievable dialogue on Page 1.  NO age given for your characters.  Characters not properly intro'd.

Absolutely nothing going on in your first 4 pages.  I'm out.  Sorry.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrylLuster
Posted: March 19th, 2013, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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Steve,

At the beginning of page 2 in the story.

We see the following formatting:

EXT.  SIDEWALKS  -  DAY

The man takes his belongings and insert them into a bag,  Leaving a small
ornament of flowers in the shopping cart, Then the man leaves.

And then in the the other scene  that follows on the heels of the above scene reads:

EXT.  FRONT  STEPS  -  SAME

Jan stands near the cart in which the bouqet of flowers remains.
She picks them up and waves them at the sad homless man who
responds not a single word back to her.

                                          JAN
                                   (Loudly)
                              Do  you  want  your  flowers?  

The sad man continues to walk away,  Never saying a single word nor care to look back at her.

I think that you should allowed us the opportunity to to actually see Jan when she crosses the street and then obtain and take hold of the shopping cart,  And then switch back to her steps with the same scene heading just as in your story.

When writing any type of story. The rule of thumb is to make something happen in the first 10 pages.

You definately made something happen within the first page. You've matched your story title to action lines using the shopping cart sitting on the sidewalks.
Good Work.

I will respond and give you my final comment at a later date.
                                  
                                  
  
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DarrylLuster
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrylLuster


Steve,

At the beginning of page 2 in the story.

We see the following formatting:

EXT.  SIDEWALKS  -  DAY

The man takes his belongings and insert them into a bag,  Leaving a small
ornament of flowers in the shopping cart, Then the man leaves.

And then in the the other scene  that follows on the heels of the above scene reads:

EXT.  FRONT  STEPS  -  SAME

Jan stands near the cart in which the bouqet of flowers remains.
She picks them up and waves them at the sad homless man who
responds not a single word back to her.

                                          JAN
                                   (Loudly)
                              Do  you  want  your  flowers?  

The sad man continues to walk away,  Never saying a single word nor care to look back at her.

I think that you should allowed us the opportunity to to actually see Jan when she crosses the street and then obtain and take hold of the shopping cart,  And then switch back to her steps with the same scene heading just as in your story.

When writing any type of story. The rule of thumb is to make something happen in the first 10 pages.

You definately made something happen within the first page. You've matched your story title to action lines using the shopping cart sitting on the sidewalks.
Good Work.

I will respond and give you my final comment at a later date.
                                  
                                  
  


On page 11  you need to set up you Flashes such as the following:

QUICK  FLASHBACK

And then at the end of the Quick Flashback continue your story such as the following:

BACK  TO  SCENE
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DarrylLuster
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrylLuster


On page 11  you need to set up you Flashes such as the following:

QUICK  FLASHBACK

And then at the end of the Quick Flashback continue your story such as the following:

BACK  TO  SCENE


Fom what I see in your story Jan an elderly widowed single woman and parent who lost her only boy.  She takes on the hard struggles of everyday life trying to make it and do the best thing and treat everyone right.

A good story Steve.

Darryl

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