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Shopping Cart by Steve Burton (SBurton) - Short, Drama, Family - An affluent elderly woman searches to find a stranger man for the return of his fold-able shopping cart, along with the futile search for her long lost son. 10 pages - pdf format
For production consideration - No comments required
Not sure what software you're using but it looks like it's giving you problems. Dialogue does not look to be properly centered. "FOLLOWING" is not a correct time element. Way too much detail, too many Slugs, and really unbelievable dialogue on Page 1. NO age given for your characters. Characters not properly intro'd.
Absolutely nothing going on in your first 4 pages. I'm out. Sorry.
The man takes his belongings and insert them into a bag, Leaving a small ornament of flowers in the shopping cart, Then the man leaves.
And then in the the other scene that follows on the heels of the above scene reads:
EXT. FRONT STEPS - SAME
Jan stands near the cart in which the bouqet of flowers remains. She picks them up and waves them at the sad homless man who responds not a single word back to her.
JAN (Loudly) Do you want your flowers?
The sad man continues to walk away, Never saying a single word nor care to look back at her.
I think that you should allowed us the opportunity to to actually see Jan when she crosses the street and then obtain and take hold of the shopping cart, And then switch back to her steps with the same scene heading just as in your story.
When writing any type of story. The rule of thumb is to make something happen in the first 10 pages.
You definately made something happen within the first page. You've matched your story title to action lines using the shopping cart sitting on the sidewalks. Good Work.
I will respond and give you my final comment at a later date.
The man takes his belongings and insert them into a bag, Leaving a small ornament of flowers in the shopping cart, Then the man leaves.
And then in the the other scene that follows on the heels of the above scene reads:
EXT. FRONT STEPS - SAME
Jan stands near the cart in which the bouqet of flowers remains. She picks them up and waves them at the sad homless man who responds not a single word back to her.
JAN (Loudly) Do you want your flowers?
The sad man continues to walk away, Never saying a single word nor care to look back at her.
I think that you should allowed us the opportunity to to actually see Jan when she crosses the street and then obtain and take hold of the shopping cart, And then switch back to her steps with the same scene heading just as in your story.
When writing any type of story. The rule of thumb is to make something happen in the first 10 pages.
You definately made something happen within the first page. You've matched your story title to action lines using the shopping cart sitting on the sidewalks. Good Work.
I will respond and give you my final comment at a later date.
On page 11 you need to set up you Flashes such as the following:
QUICK FLASHBACK
And then at the end of the Quick Flashback continue your story such as the following:
On page 11 you need to set up you Flashes such as the following:
QUICK FLASHBACK
And then at the end of the Quick Flashback continue your story such as the following:
BACK TO SCENE
Fom what I see in your story Jan an elderly widowed single woman and parent who lost her only boy. She takes on the hard struggles of everyday life trying to make it and do the best thing and treat everyone right.