SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 17th, 2020, 3:23pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The January One Week Challenge is on

Scripts due to

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  A Peeling Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    A Peeling  (currently 1802 views)
Posted: October 3rd, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
A Peeling by Steve Burton (steveb) - Comedy - Jenny wants Tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project which combines photography with painting. 100 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 19th, 2017, 5:59pm
revised draft
Site Private Message
Posted: October 3rd, 2011, 4:55pm Report to Moderator

just another ego maniac with low self esteem

Posts Per Day
Steve - this is a nice premise, for a short, but it just doesn't have the legs for an interesting feature. Also, your logline doesn't do the concept any favours.

Your opening slug needs addressing.

Your opening pages had alot of formatting issues that need addressing and really slow down the read. I'm guessing this is a first crack at a screenplay?

You haven't introduced your characters. Use guy use MAN & WOMAN. 2 pages later they are given names, TOM and JENNY? Why have you spaced all your description lines out into one line action sequences? It's as if your trying to force your story out to over 90 pages.

Some of your descriptions are passive and don't really make much sense. EG:
'his pants get unzipped and then he pisses on the sand'. How do his pants get unzipped? Tom, unzips his pants, they don't unzip themselves.

It looks as if the formatting of your dialouge is also off. Perhaps try a free screenwriting software program like Celtx.

The dialouge between Jenny and Tom in the first 6 pages is very unnatural and afr too on the nose.

I don't understand your use of 'following' in your slugs. The general format is INT. or EXT. - LOCATION - Time of day, usuallly DAY or NIGHT

I recommend you read some scripts here and get a handle on format and then revisit your script.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
irish eyes
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
Posts Per Day
I have agree with Eoin on a few points.... The storyline was very simple, with not much to grab me,  by page 30 I was getting a little bored(sorry) just my opinon..
I also had no idea what ` following` was...... You had wayyy too many slugs, just in page 24 alone, you can avoid all that, we know you are in the bar and until you exit the bar all the INT. following, is not needed.  You can use mini slugs.. like Bar Area or Bar Entrance, or use your description/action lines better, so it`s more free flowing.
On the plus I got a few laughs, I liked Richard`s character.
Just be a little bit more creative and  as Eoin stated read some scripts...Everyone is always eager to get their first screenplay out and you miss alot of mistakes, especially if you try and proofread your own...I know I did with mine..
Good Luck Steve and stick with it.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006