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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  A Peeling Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Peeling  (currently 1802 views)
Don
Posted: October 3rd, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Peeling by Steve Burton (steveb) - Comedy - Jenny wants Tom, as a stranger, to pose nude for her art project which combines photography with painting. 100 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (7 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 19th, 2017, 5:59pm
revised draft
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Eoin
Posted: October 3rd, 2011, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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just another ego maniac with low self esteem

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Steve - this is a nice premise, for a short, but it just doesn't have the legs for an interesting feature. Also, your logline doesn't do the concept any favours.

Your opening slug needs addressing.

Your opening pages had alot of formatting issues that need addressing and really slow down the read. I'm guessing this is a first crack at a screenplay?

You haven't introduced your characters. Use guy use MAN & WOMAN. 2 pages later they are given names, TOM and JENNY? Why have you spaced all your description lines out into one line action sequences? It's as if your trying to force your story out to over 90 pages.

Some of your descriptions are passive and don't really make much sense. EG:
'his pants get unzipped and then he pisses on the sand'. How do his pants get unzipped? Tom, unzips his pants, they don't unzip themselves.

It looks as if the formatting of your dialouge is also off. Perhaps try a free screenwriting software program like Celtx.

The dialouge between Jenny and Tom in the first 6 pages is very unnatural and afr too on the nose.

I don't understand your use of 'following' in your slugs. The general format is INT. or EXT. - LOCATION - Time of day, usuallly DAY or NIGHT

I recommend you read some scripts here and get a handle on format and then revisit your script.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I have agree with Eoin on a few points.... The storyline was very simple, with not much to grab me,  by page 30 I was getting a little bored(sorry) just my opinon..
I also had no idea what ` following` was...... You had wayyy too many slugs, just in page 24 alone, you can avoid all that, we know you are in the bar and until you exit the bar all the INT. following, is not needed.  You can use mini slugs.. like Bar Area or Bar Entrance, or use your description/action lines better, so it`s more free flowing.
On the plus I got a few laughs, I liked Richard`s character.
Just be a little bit more creative and  as Eoin stated read some scripts...Everyone is always eager to get their first screenplay out and you miss alot of mistakes, especially if you try and proofread your own...I know I did with mine..
Good Luck Steve and stick with it.


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