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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 2:18pm
Few things right off the bat-
-The copyright stuff on the title page is not necessary, and is usually an indicator that the writer is an amateur. As soon as you write something, it is for all intensive purposes, copyrighted. No need to include the copyright verbiage on your cover page.
The opening description needs to be re-written. Here is more the direction you need to go when writing description:
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
RYAN (19) sits on the couch, his expressionless face illuminated by the light peeking through the window, in this otherwise dark room.
After this little scene, you transition to a flashback, which you misspelled as "flashbak". If someone was watching this on TV, and did not have the script in their hands, how would an audience member know this was a flashback that takes place 2 days prior to the previous scene?? Someone watching this is just going to assume this scene takes place either later, or the next day. They would have no way of knowing this is a flashback, unless maybe you insert a title on the screen saying: 2 DAYS AGO and then proceed with that scene. But if that is what you plan on doing (inserting a title), that needs to be communicated in the script.
I'm going to stop here. As far as the concept, I don't know how this would work as a weekly television show. I like the idea of a teenage assassin, but not the idea of him becoming an assassin because his sister was abused. I could see him taking revenge against the person who abused his sister, but I don't know how that continues on as a weekly television show. Maybe it's explained later in your script, but I'm stopping on page 2 unfortunately. good luck!
Nice little premise here but many mistakes that need to be addressed. Sean already picked up on early stuff - flashback stuff etc.
Nollman is not introduced properly (caps, description)
Chelsea's introduction read like a really bad cameo, she asked to come in then promptly left again.
The dialogue needs tightening up, doesn't flow very well and isn't realistic - read your dialogue out loud or record it and play it back to yourself and you'll see. (and is the hardest thing to get right IMO)
"Ethan tells her dirty things" - you need to write what the viewer is going to see and hear, scenes like this are of course hard to write and it looks like you weren't sure how far to push this scene or what you could get away with.
The "punishment" ending should be presented as a SUPER, this is the tool used when you want words on your screen.
One other thing which I've learned from others is that generally speaking, the use of "we see", "we hear" etc is frowned upon. IMO it's a waste of words anyway - why write "we can see that he takes out a bag" when "he takes out a bag" is fine.
Adding to what's already been said, the dialogue seemed "not real" to me. Focus when writing your dialogue on the way someone would speak. It will feel more real. There were either misspellings or typos that need to be corrected. Interested to know how this will work as a series. Will the assassin keep finding and poisoning guys that "abuse" girls or ??? Keep writing. I liked the story overall.
Maybe its me, but I found Ryan reasoning for killing his buddy Ethan to be a little weak. If he did kill him for abusing his sister, I don't think he'd be as cold and calculating about it as you made him out to be.
Perhaps, when Ethan is sexually abusing Ryan's sister a struggle ensues with Ethan accidently killing her. Ethan hides the body but Ryan finds out he killed his sister somehow. It would add to the story's tradgedy, and since I think you intend for this to be the show's pilot, the script should be longer.
Also, as others have mentioned the dialogue seems a little forced. You could make it sound a little better, less formal, by using contractions.
Thought it was a good read overall though. Had no trouble turning the next page so to speak.
Thank you for your comments. This is the first script I've ever written, obviously. I learned a lot from you all. I also think that Teen Assassins would be a better name. About the series thing, I was thinking of it more like an "Law and Order" type of thing. The only difference is that in this one, we focus on the assassin, the reason why he or she killed the victim, the story before the murder, and not so much on the investigations and all that. Once, I read that starting with a small script is good for first time writers and that is why I only wrote ten pages. To the person who wrote about Ethan killing Ryan's sister, I could do that, but then the story/episode/series would lose its whole point, I only want one assassin per episode. If I wanted Ethan to be an assassin, I could've wrote an episode focusing on him. =) Thank You, I'm planning to start writing a new episode this thanksgiving. Thank you so much.
Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.