Trick by Des Nnochiri - Short, Thriller - What begins as a normal transaction in the oldest profession of all, ends - with a bitter twist. 6 pages - pdf, format

This was an interesting piece, but it was overwritten, IMHO.  You were heavy-handed with your descriptions, especially with "It could be a navel orange.  It could be a dinosaur.  It could be both." lines.  Don't use such descriptions.  They just waste page space.

Describe things as the camera records them.  Only what is seen and heard, not what is felt in the human soul.

You should be able to knock this down to four pages by tightening everything up.


Phil

Hey Des.

I actually like your writing style.  Dogglebe is right, though.  It is overwritten in places, but for the most part, it's vivid and that's what I liked about it.  You just have to scale back on the descriptions that won't make it to the screen.

As for the story, however, I didn't really care for it too much.  It probably wouldn't be bad for an atmospheric film shoot, but I don't think the story went anywhere, in my opinion.  It's not that it's bad, it just ended and you didn't tell us what was going on with this pixie girl.  We saw the twist and it just ended.  (I don't know if I could call it a twist, but...)

We didn't find out if this girl was just a psychotic killer and does this all the time, or if she had people above her in charge and ordering her to do this, or if the other hookers were part of whatever's going on.  Plus, I'm pretty sure there'd be a mess everytime this girl does this.  Why would the seedy motel owner keep letting her do it if she was just on her own.

So, not a badly written story, just one that didn't really go anywhere.

- Mark

The short was produced.  I didn't think too highly of the production.  It was over the top and the voice over (I forgot to mention this before) was too heavy-handed.


Phil

Yeah, I checked out the film this morning after you said you found it online.  Way too industrial for my liking, but the blades coming out her hands gave me a good hearty laugh.

All the mit of sound stuff was annoying, too.  I've used MOS just a few times in the feature I just wrote, but because there was other stuff going on in the scene.  This film seemed like it had no reason to go MOS in the middle like that.  Kind of turned it into a boring music video.

I might have to go back to my script and make sure the mit of sound in mine isn't that annoying.

Des, congrats on getting this produced, and a big high five to the DP on the project.  That was nicely filmed.  

I am not a fan of the story, as I failed to see the point, but perhaps I'm just dense in that regard...  

Anyways, good for you to write something and get it brought to life, that's a great accomplishment.  

I'm hoping that Des shows up here and posts something...



Phil

I really really like your writing style. I found myself wanting more information at the end though....like wasn't sure if she just killed her clients or if she was maybe some scifi character like blades came out of her hands...But overall I liked this.

The video link is not displaying properly.

Hi, People,

First up, thanks to all of you, for taking the time to read my script, watch the movie, and comment.

Just to clarify a few points on the story:

As I originally intended, the girl Sofia is part of a network of killers operating in that area of the city (under corrupt police sanction). She's the star attraction of a team involving pseudo-hookers, restaurant / bar owners, and motel keepers.

They're running a "flesh farm" - which you can interpret as a feed store for the group (aliens, vampires, carnivores, whatever) or an organ bank.

As to the video production, creative control passed out of my hands, when I gave the studio the go-ahead to shoot. I'm pretty happy with what they managed to come up with, on a limited budget - and with first-time actors.

Hope this clarifies things, for you.

And thanks again, for your time and trouble.

All the Best,

Des

Quoted from DesNnochiri As to the video production, creative control passed out of my hands, when I gave the studio the go-ahead to shoot. I'm pretty happy with what they managed to come up with, on a limited budget - and with first-time actors. Hope this clarifies things, for you. And thanks again, for your time and trouble. All the Best, Des

For whatever reason, the video resolution is all wonky.
Everything is big pixels as it plays.

Did anyone else have this problem?

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer For whatever reason, the video resolution is all wonky. Everything is big pixels as it plays. Did anyone else have this problem? E.D.

Hey ED

Yeah same problem here, its like that White Stripes music video. Everythings made out of Legos.

As far as the scripts goes not bad. Easy to picture in my mind and the writing was pretty good. Story could be fleshed out more but is pretty solid, IMO of course. :]

Quoted from E.D. For whatever reason, the video resolution is all wonky. Everything is big pixels as it plays. Did anyone else have this problem?

Yeah, it's lego-y on this link, but when I watched it, it was on Youtube and it was clear.  Just put in Trick short film.