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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
BLACK SCREEN: RUDY (O.S.) Don’t move! Don’t fucking move! TRAVIS (O.S.) Put the gun down, please. FADE IN: A black screen slowly opens on a duel: Two best friends turned enemies over a girl. 1 EXT. THE DUEL -DARK NIGHT TITLE CARD: PRESENT TIME A wide shot of Rudy (early 20’s) and Travis (early 20’s) facing each other approximately twenty feet apart. We are in a dark back corner of campus, with several brick buildings surrounding us in no symmetrical pattern. Rudy has a GUN aimed at Travis.
Ok. Not too sure about this. Might go for:
ON BLACK: RUDY (V.O.) Don’t move! Don’t fucking move! TRAVIS (V.O.) Put the gun down. FADE IN: EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT SUPER: PRESENT TIME Dark back corner of campus; brick buildings surround. Rudy (21), overweight, and Travis (22), slim geek, face each other. Rudy has a GUN aimed at Travis.
didnt get very far into this (namely because youre not a member and i doubt you'll ever reply to our feedback). but here are some tips
ditch the -ing words.
show us dont tell. saying a character is "more deceptive than she looks" tells us nothing.
dialogue is a bit too on the nose.
doesnt matter if this were the best screenplay in the world, at 50 pages, youre damning yourself. 50 pages is way too long for a short but way too short for a feature. decide which one you want this to be and go from there.
Also - and I agree with albinopenguin that you'll probably never read this, but for the benefit of whoever does - your logline is not a logline. It's a tagline. A tagline is something that would go on the movie poster. It's more vague, and much shorter, than a logline, and is designed to grab your attention.
A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read...
A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read...
AJR
To quote Miss Babz, resident agent emeritus...
NOUN + VERB + IRONY = LOGLINE
This basic formula can hook a stranger into reading your material.
E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
I just found out this was online tonight, I have been checking the web site but it hadn't been updated.
If you do read the full script or wish to, I think A. you will understand it better, and B. appreciate it more and C. I really really want feedback on my work.