Six Degrees of College Romance by Daniel J. Murphy - Short, Thriller -  College has never been so complicated.  50 pages - pdf, format

BLACK SCREEN:
RUDY (O.S.)
Don’t move! Don’t fucking move!
TRAVIS (O.S.)
Put the gun down, please.
FADE IN:
A black screen slowly opens on a duel: Two best friends turned enemies over a girl.
1 EXT. THE DUEL -DARK NIGHT
TITLE CARD: PRESENT TIME
A wide shot of Rudy (early 20’s) and Travis (early 20’s) facing each other approximately twenty feet apart. We are in
a dark back corner of campus, with several brick buildings surrounding us in no symmetrical pattern. Rudy has a GUN
aimed at Travis.

Ok. Not too sure about this. Might go for:

ON BLACK:
RUDY (V.O.)
Don’t move! Don’t fucking move!
TRAVIS (V.O.)
Put the gun down.
FADE IN:
EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT
SUPER: PRESENT TIME
Dark back corner of campus; brick buildings surround. Rudy (21), overweight, and Travis (22), slim geek, face each other. Rudy has a GUN aimed at Travis.

didnt get very far into this (namely because youre not a member and i doubt you'll ever reply to our feedback). but here are some tips

ditch the -ing words.

show us dont tell. saying a character is "more deceptive than she looks" tells us nothing.

dialogue is a bit too on the nose.

doesnt matter if this were the best screenplay in the world, at 50 pages, youre damning yourself. 50 pages is way too long for a short but way too short for a feature. decide which one you want this to be and go from there.

Also - and I agree with albinopenguin that you'll probably never read this, but for the benefit of whoever does - your logline is not a logline. It's a tagline. A tagline is something that would go on the movie poster. It's more vague, and much shorter, than a logline, and is designed to grab your attention.

A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read...

AJR

Quoted from ajr A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read... AJR

To quote Miss Babz, resident agent emeritus...

NOUN + VERB + IRONY = LOGLINE

This basic formula can hook a stranger into reading your material.

E.D.

thanks guys,

I just found out this was online tonight, I have been checking the web site but it hadn't been updated.

If you do read the full script or wish to, I think A. you will understand it better, and B. appreciate it more and C. I really really want feedback on my work.

NO PRESSURE haha

Daniel J. Murphy