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The one comment I have is that the Notepad's line on page 2, "You're a moron," is a little out of character, for me. Although the Pen was being silly, I felt that the Notepad wouldn't find the Pen's behaviour, as written, sufficient to warrant a personal attack on the part of the Notepad. Notepad seems like the (relatively) classy type, after all. I think they do need to get to that level of antagonism, but I think Notepad needs to be pushed a little more before that can reasonably occur.
It's very good. The tone is pitch perfect, the characters are (with the exception as above) well drawn, and the story itself is appropriately timed and structured. Beyond that, the story offers a reminder that we can all benefit from often.
How were you imagining this being presented? Traditional animation, 3D, etc?
Kev, it was for Babz's challenge (altho I somehow managed to still come in too short...), and I think part of the goal (IIRC) was to stay away from characterizations that come from names or m/f or whatever.
Heretic, yeah, I see what you're saying. I was going for a character that isn't actually as refined as he tries to be:p
Yep, Babz has read it, so we'll see what happens. Did you post your hammer and nail script? I'd love to have a read
That plays, for sure. I think that the character as you describe it definitely comes across. At the same time, I guess that that's what made the comment stand out for me; the way I see it, the pretentiousness of the character is precisely what would make it cling to that feigned elegance, probably even after a truly refined person would consider speaking bluntly. I think even just a couple added lines of antagonism between the two could serve to make the conversation more dynamic, make the Notepad's character more consistent, and make it even funnier when the Notepad is reduced to name-calling.
It's amazing how impossible it is to get away from an automatic gender characterization -- I instantly made the assumption of male Pen, female Notepad, which not only coloured my perceptions of the characters in general but also in particular made the opening banter ("flow problem") decidedly sexual -- I thought to the benefit of the script, actually (and I also thought, intentionally; not the case?).
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I didn't even consider gender, I mean does a pen and a notepad even have a gender??? LOL But since everyone else did, I guess I would have thought of them as equals...so either two male or two females would work for me..
It's great to have the opportunity to return the gesture of a peer review. You've been a fine contributor to the boards here of late.
Charming and to the point!
Kudos on injecting a b*tch/b*stard vibe to the characters' "voices". The rivalry is established enough, but doesn't pigeon hole the dynamic either. It humanizes everything and makes this very readable.
Now, go produce this and post the short! People will like it!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
you're overdue for a read, so i figured id check this one out. unfortunately i'm going to be the minority here. i wasnt a fan (no pun intended) of this one. in your defense, i always have a hard time imagining these kinds of scripts. when objects talk, i picture sesame street. and when they try to make a "grown up" statement, i feel like the two ideas conflict. furthermore, i'm not sure who this would appeal to. youre asking adults to make a huge leap of faith from the very beginning. does it pay off? i think so, but people have got to stick with it. i guess what i'm saying is that whoever produces this needs to be REALLY skilled. it can be done, but its going to be difficult to nail the tone.
which brings me to my next point. i feel like the tone is a bit off. i'm not so sure the pen and the notepad are friends. the title suggests they are pals but the dialogue says differently. i would either make them friends or make them enemies and stick with it. furthermore, the fan felt like a bit of an annoyance. i kind of wished that he too would talk. having him snicker in the background felt tacked on.
so let's talk about the point you're trying to make. as i said before, i like it. says a lot about communication today. mcluhan would be proud. however the dialogue before it seems a bit disconnecting. if the pen and paper had a debate about who the writer loved more for example, then the ending would be all the more powerful.
anyways just my two cents. lots of potential here. good luck with it.
Thanks guys, lots of great feedback And I see all of your points. I'll tweak the tone and dialogue a bit, beef up the tension and resubmit. I would like to see it made, if nothing else for the satisfaction of *finally* seeing something I wrote going through to production, even if it is only reeeeally short;)
Oh, sorry, Reef - 'ratty' just meant that he's been around forever, like an old beat-up Mercedes. The challenge was something Babz gave out in her last Babz Buzz. I think I'll ask her if she can do a challenge every show - they're so beneficial, I think.
I thought this was cute, albeit forgettable. I read it twice as I read the characters as androgynous the first time around. The male/female dynamic works better although it really ends the same way no matter how you read it.
Do what Brett said and shoot this thing. Seems too easy not to.