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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The City of the Dead Moderators: bert
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  Author    The City of the Dead  (currently 895 views)
Don
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The City of Dead by Paul Hewitt (mastersightfilms) - Short, Comedy, Horror - When three of the hottest cheerleaders are in danger of being eaten alive by zombies, Jack Mike and Connor are their only hope. 8 pages - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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I buzzed through this quickly, mostly dialogue it reads fast.

I guess parts of it could be kind of funny if played right, but the biggest problem is that this builds up to nothing.

I think what you thought was a punchline is just not strong enough to anchor this piece.  Back to the drawing board for a better conclusion.

This is not horrible -- but it is all cliches -- and you need to inject something fresh -- particularly in this genre -- if this piece is to really work.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Andrew
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to add to what bert has already said. There were a couple of times where I had a chuckle. Decent throwaway. I'm assuming you wanted to give people an enjoyable short read and you did that.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 29th, 2011, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hello Paul,

I too was lured in by Bert's review, curse his charisma!
Typically, I stay away until I know someone's a regularly contributing member.
But rules are meant to be broken, so onto the pages...

Not one, not two, count em, three typos in your opening sentence.

Conner, Mike, and Jack are playing video games in Jacks living room

1) "Conner" is spelled "Connor" as well throughout the script. Pick one.
2) Need apostrophe to make that "Jack's living room"
3) A period at the end of the sentence would be appreciated.

Please have the courtesy to spell check your script.
It makes it easier for those of us offering our time to review your work.

It's not optional to capitalize "I" in a sentence.

Letting us know in the exterior slugs if it's DAY or NIGHT would be helpful.

Not much to say here, it's a series of skits haphazardly strung together.
I suppose it's qualities rests in how well it can be shot.
The gun happy cheerleader was cool. I'd like to see more of her.

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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Hey Paul,

The title made me want to have a look at this so I cracked it open.

Page 1 is filled with grammar mistakes. You have misspelt Connor three times and this is not good. You have no fade in and fail to capitalise the characters on their intro. It would to help the reader to visualise if you added day or night into your slugs.

Throughout the grammar is bad, you really need to proof read your work before submitting.

It was okay for a short, kept me entertained but the ending wasnít good, it didnít feel like a resolution IMO.

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy New Year.

Steve.
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Ectoplasm
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Can I have a sip?

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Grammar problems aside, I think the action descriptions were pretty basic. It felt more like a video game, rather than a group of teens fighting for their lives. I like the bit at the end, and it did keep me entertained, but overall the story could use some work. Keep writing.    
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Forgive
Posted: December 30th, 2011, 5:58am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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As has been said, a couple of the bits are quite funny - but it was very lazily put together - something like a teenagers wet daydream. Well written, I do think something like this would have legs - not too sure you'd want to put the effort in though...
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irish eyes
Posted: December 31st, 2011, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Didn`t really work for me IMO
I dont know if you need !!!!! after nearly every line, is everyone shouting at each other...Mis-spelling bad, grammar bad.

They turned on the TV then FADES OUT. 1st of all its FADE OUT which is not needed, you need a mini slug like

On the TV

and then write reporter and so on, then you faded out again

Sorry quite a bit of work to be done for only 8 pages

Mark


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