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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fighting Two Wars Moderators: bert
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  Author    Fighting Two Wars  (currently 1197 views)
Don
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fighting Two Wars by Paul Hewitt (Mastersightfilms) - Short, Action, Adventure, Espionage - When Alex Hart is trained to be an assassin has he lost all hope of a normal life? Can his team of Mercenaries help him answer the question of who he really is? 35 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 10th, 2012, 7:02pm
revised script
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Forgive
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from irish eyes


Apparently on used diapers!!! Cuz it`s full of shit

Mark  


Here we go again...
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Ectoplasm
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Can I have a sip?

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I recommend reading the suggestions on your other script and being more active around here before posting more of your work.
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dogglebe
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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This is Paul's third script.  He has yet to post on the boards....


Phil
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nawazm11
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of mistakes with this one I'm afraid. I didn't even bother reading past the first page. Some of these grammar mistakes are taught in primary school so unless you're actually 12, you gotta do better than this.

When you first introduce a character, put their name in CAPS but I see you didn't even introduce ALEX so we have no clue how old he might be.

And then the Bell rings and Alex walks to his locker? Is the locker supposed to be inside the classroom because you forgot to change the slug... You also forgot to introduce Juliet who could be 102 for all I know .

You shouldn't DISSOLVE TO: or any TO:s in spec scripts but correct me if this isnt one.

So then you write "Alex: (Grabbing keys to his car)" Why not just write "Alex pulls out some keys." Then you tell us his mother phones him and then she is the first to answer... Shouldn't Alex be the one saying hello first?

By the end of the first page, I can't read anymore. Sorry, mate. You should avoid telling us things and try showing them. How do we know a class is waiting for school to finish? How do we know this locker belongs to Alex? How do we know this car belongs to Alex? How do we know his mother is on the phone? Whenever you write something in a script, always think to yourself "Can this be seen on screen?" If not, try and find a way to do it.

You should read/comment on some scripts here, you will learn a lot and in exchange, people will read your scripts. That's how it works here on SS. Sorry if I came off as harsh . Hope to see you around.

Mohammad
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marvink
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Paul, I actually made it to page six. I'm afraid I can't say anything positive about your script other than you did finish it, I guess that is something. The story sounds familiar, though I can't quite remember where I've heard it before, but that in itself is not the big problem. Your formatting, spelling, grammar, etc. is your problem, and I mean a really big one. As the other reviewers have said, read scripts and do some studying before you post again. Everything you need to know is right here on the boards. It is not easy, however, if you want someone to read your scripts you have to at least get your formatting problem straight. And like they said, read and comment on the  other writers' work. Good luck in your future writing.  Marvin.  
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