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Witches' Flame by 0 - Short - A young woman during the Great Depression struggles to choose between her destiny to heal the drought and the two men who claim her heart. - pdf, format
Nice opening scene, makes Tom a likeable character.
"Corbin, let�s invite Mr. Hamilton to dine with us and stay the night" Very, very on the nose for me.
And then again, here. "I�m going for a walk and then to bed." It doesn't really bother me but if this wasn't the OWC, then.. > - Or it just might be the slang in the olden days who knows? (I don't)
She leaps and bounds? Not sure what you mean by that.
Hmm, finished and to tell you the truth, I didn't really understand it... You had something going here but the last page left me gobsmacked. Was Arissa lured into the flame so Verily could turn her into a witch? Was she a witch by the end? What did Verily want with her?
The logline suggests that Arissa is the main character but from the first page, it really seems like Tom is the protagonist.
I think you had something here but I couldn't really grasp it. Maybe it was just fitting all this information into ten pages. I'll hold my thoughts off about the story until I really understand it.
Interesting. The hook is when Verily appears, though her character confused me in her brief appearance.
Truthfully I don't have much to say about this one and that may be a problem when reviewing the first 10 pages of an unfinished feature because my questions will probably be answered some time later on. So for that reason I'm not sure exactly what to say other than if it hooked me and if I'd continue to read.
This one would be a probably. There's so much mystery hung around those last couple of pages that I'd be intrigued to see where you go with this.
A lot of stuff going on in this one. The story had a distinct fairy tale quality to it, as it seemed to take place in a magical oasis immune to the ravages of the dustbowl and Depression. Many of the lines had a lyrical ring to them, which I liked:
"The moist air settles around her like a jeweled cloak."
Tom's question about the witches' flame on page 6 seems to come out of the clear blue.
Once Verily shows up, it became more of a chore to decipher what exactly was going on in the pages. It got confusing in a hurry. This exchange didn't make sense to me:
The pulled back hood reveals Verily. She nods to Corbin and admires his body.
"VERILY Hello, Corbin.
Tom turns to Corbin.
TOM A walk?!
Tom glares at Corbin’s crestfallen face."
One of real challenges in this owc was to set up enough story to make people want to read more, but not so much that the script feels rushed and bewlidering. This story had a lot that intrigued me, but I think the writer gave us too much, too soon.
Gus is a strong character. Worth following him around to see what happens.
Looks like a bit of a love triangle being set up. Should provide plenty of fuel for conflict as the story picks up.
Verily provides some intrigue, but could also be a little cliche, to the point of being a caricature. She needs some work to avoid that fate.
Dialogue needs polish to flow. It sometimes looks like scenes were melded together to get across words you needed the characters to say. That happens in early drafts, though, very common. Very fixable.
You got my interest. I'd like to read more, so I hope you plan on writing a feature with this one.
One thing kind of bothered me though. With your writing you make it seem like Tom's bag may hold something special, but he sleeps with it behind his back so it makes me wonder what is in this bag.
Hopefully, I will find out in the feature.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
A rather odd script, IMO. It has an odd feel to it, odd character actions, and an odd story. I see a fairytale quality to it, which is both a good thing and a not so good thing.
Could it be a feature? I don't think so, based on these first 10 pages, but that in itself isn't too big a deal.
I actually was kind of digging the writing up until Page 7, when things not only unraveled completely, but also got very confusing and impossible to follow. The final 3 pages did not help, IMO.
Definitely not one of the worst, but definitely not in the upper tier, either.
Script was quite slow, but this isn't always a bad thing.
Arissa was very quick to invite Tom in for the evening - this maybe came across a little 'convenient'.
Some nice imagery, and it's very well written, but the story doesn't really take me in.
# In a clearing not from the house (not far from the house?). Also maybe could do with a mini here?
All in all a bit vague - new agey - wondered if the fight scene was worth leaving in at this stage - might have more pertinence in a feature but no reference to it in the short - as with the coin.
I did feel like this could have been told in 5 pages.
I don't want to be too negative - the author can certainly write, and overall the writing was a high standard - I'm just not convinced about the story that the writing has been lent to.
I really liked the opening to this script, vivid descriptions and good pacing.
I got a little lost when Tom reached the Beaumont residence - and from there, I was a little lost as to what was happening. At times, it feels like Tom knows his hosts, the way they talk and act around each other - and then at times, they don't feel connected in any ways.
Is the sack important? It seems to be, as it is mentioned a lot at the beginning.
The last sequence, the witch in the woods and the whole interaction left me a little confused. I may have missed something - and if so, I apologize - but I'm unsure as to what was going on.
Personally, the writing, format, dialogue is okay for a 7 day write; it is just the story unfolding that I'm a little confused at.
I enjoyed reading this up until about page 8. I kept on and then was mostly lost at the end. The whole glowing thing in the wood..and then when the trees made love or whatever to Arissa...just lost me.
I look forward to reading again if you rework it and enter in the 7wc.
I really liked this. First off as someone who loves the delivery of a kind compliment, your use of Tom saying of—
The beauty of Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships but your beauty would bring them back.
Was a really nice, full bodied line. Good job there.
The story seemed to flow really well and your formatting was very clean and a fast read. The word I was struggling to come up with was-
Polite.
This script is very polite and genuine.
Jeff mentioned that it was odd. I think that is a pretty decent tern although I see it more as off the beaten path.
Sure it can use some work, but I really think it has an eclectic value to it that, if defined and harnessed could prove to one of the better scripts of the OWC.
I liked the writing on display here, some great, vivid descriptions going on and to be honest I couldn’t fault much. One line is spaced out different from the rest but I’m being picky.
The story was confusing. I wasn’t and I’m still not sure after a second read what the hell is going on but I’ve looked back over some of the other feedback now and it seems I'm in the majority on that one...phew. Thought it was just me being stupid.
I do want to read on because at the moment if feels like one of those “Lost” episodes where so many questions were raised and I wanted to know the answer. Just remember the audience don’t like it when you raise questions but don’t have the answers but I’m sure you do here.
A mysterious piece which I’m intrigued to find out more about.
Title - Yeah this works. The flame, blending with the love dilemma of a witch. Not sure why she is chosen to heal the drought
Logline - Not bad, better than many, but needs a bit of work
Story - I'm mixed on the first scene. It feel is a bit out of the blue (ok, it's the first scene so would be out of the blue anyway!) but something felt a bit contrived. Walks into town, gets mugged, turns into a holy man. I just think there were other ways to get that across. Maybe not punch a man on the ground, avoided breaking the mans photo of his family etc just subtle ways to deliver the caring message.
The grass versus desert is a nice touch - a sense of an oasis, a place that is different.
I agree that just being invited so quickly in needs a little work. Again, he could be a traveller that fixes something eg a gate, gets into a conversation, nowhere to stay, how about coming in. In this way he earns the right.
Thereafter I was a little lost as well. Lucky tree! You know what that reminds me of a scene in another script, I wonder if the writer is the same?
Also at the end of 10 pages I don't get a real sense of where this is going. What journey the protag has to go through, assuming Tom the traveler is the protag(was Tom, wasn't it?)
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
This one's interesting. I really like the visuals - the house kinda gave me that sickly sweet vibe.
I think this has potential, although it will need a clean up - I got to the end and was a bit confused, TBH. Still, I wouldn't mind reading the rewrite