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Hi Rob - didn't really work for me - flet a little bit 'day time soap' for me.
The twist at the end didn't really have any impact, mainly because it was focussed on a character that wasn't really in the script for most of the story - maybe introduce him (physically) at an earlier stage, or have him be part of the whole vengeance plan. Either way, the twist should focus on a more active participant.
I'm guessing the man from earlier, is the same man who came later - but I'm not sure - there's no real reference to tie these events together.
Page 5 - Evelyn charging - I don't get this at all - there is no other reaction, other than her charging at the man - no shock, suprise etc - something else needs to go in there.
Some issues now and again:
... to the living room; Leaving Ashley -- You do this a couple of time - follow a semi-colon with a capital letter, instead of a lower-case letter.
... leaves the door cracked. Enough to see him head -- full stops can slow writing down, and one wasn't needed here.
...For a big girl. -- should be ... for a big girl.
... The look he gives her could send lambs to slaughter. -- okay, nice description - be he's the Masked Man ...?
The guy comes in at a little after 10:30pm - the girls awake at 12:22am - there's almost two hours here - earleir there's a reference to time - (at 10:30) 'only two hours to go' I'm not clear here - the time frame seems to be out.
The water also threw me - the bucket was brought up earlier, and was just water, but then later it's steaming ... ?
Okay - I think you've attempted to write it with some sense of style, elements of a couple of films came up when I was reading this - but is it a first draft?
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