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Im giving this a bump because it was uploaded yesterday, but for some reason showed up as an Error. SS emailed me today and it's fixed. Hopefully it hasn't turned too many people off.
Im giving this a bump because it was uploaded yesterday, but for some reason showed up as an Error. SS emailed me today and it's fixed. Hopefully it hasn't turned too many people off.
Yeah, sorry about that, though it wasn't my fault haha. That happens from time to time -- most often when Don posts scripts during the day instead of nights or weekends. I think he gets distracted or something.
Anyway, I breezed through to give you some quick thoughts:
Give this a title page.
You describe the car as beaten and battered, then Maddox as "equally" dirty. For me, reads better if you were to describe Maddox as equally battered or something. Equal means equal, and you never mentioned "dirty". Every word counts, particularly in a short script.
"If it could go any further, it would." This is an excellent, short, and effective sentence setting good tone. Give me more like this.
The exchange between cop and Maddox is not as good as it might be. I mean, doughnut jokes? Come on. You should strive to make this fresher. It should pop, not sound familiar.
Seems a guy like Maddox would know he is free to refuse a search of his car; or at the very least, he would say something about it.
The writing itself is fine, but it seems the script is just an episode with very little to say outside the confines of the story itself.
Nice work, but you are encouraged to dig a little deeper next time.
Awesome feedback. I agree completely. I thought long and hard, but for some reason, just could not think of a damn thing for him to say right off the bat to the officer. The doughnut line isn't very strong.
Regarding the "dirty" part, thanks for that too, I didn't catch that.
And it's true about the story. I wrote this and wasnt sure what I wanted to do with it. I liked it, but what was I trying to say? I recently decided to make it into a full script, not just a short. I think it would make a decent opening scene.
When I first read the title, I thought of the real Maddox (owner of Greatest Page in the Universe - google it). Even his description makes me think of Internet Maddox.
Anyway, I liked the description of the interior car. Is this part of a longer script? Makes a good teaser / opener. The desert setting makes me think of Breaking Bad pilot.
That's one tough dog - able to get up after being run over. But it gets shot anyway - that might anger some PETA diehards.
I was pulled over a few months ago and the officer asked me what was in the cup holder. I replied, "I don't know... stuff." He asked me, "Is that cannabis residue?" I said "No!" He said, "Looks like cannabis residue to me. I won't give you a ticket for running that stop sign, if you let the dog search your car."
Turns out, it WAS "stuff".
Anyway, I just wanted to write a version of my experience that would be more exciting. Obviously I didn't have a big bag of coke. And I didn't kill a police officer and his dog.
I decided to upload it as short, because that's all I had written. But I recently came to the conclusion that I SHOULD give it some thought about turning it into something more.
Try to just stick mainly to night and day in you slugs. If the sun is setting, describe it to us.
You need to set the intro scene of the cop better. I had no mental picture. Was he in a car? On a motorcylce? Hiding in the bushes?
I don't get why Maddox gets so angry when the cop calls him Les. Unless there is some kind of Les carter joke I'm missing.
"He reverses it then pulls away. He lights a cigarette. The police officer’s body rests on the road as the Pontiac disappears into the distance." - little lapses in logic like this confuse a read. Stops the pace. Makes the reader go back an reread. I don't get how we see him light a cigarette after he pulls away. Are we back in the car? No, we still see the cops body on the road.
Overall, I just thought this was okay. It seems like the start of something bigger because you really dont have a beginning, middle, and end. Just a scene, but an interesting one.
I see this was based off a recent experience. Is always a good place to find source material, but try to make it a bit more unique.
Good luck with it if you make it into something longer...
Hey Steex - just read this - I'm really impressed to be honest - I read something of yours a short while back, so going from that to this is a major improvement - this really started to read like a script.
There's some minors (but I'm pretty tired now, so I'm not going to go into them), but over all this had a great attitude - and there's some really spot-on bits in there - story was a bit 'open-ended' I was kinda hoping for a bit more at the end - but I can't honestly say I was disappointed - if this is where you're going - then we've had a 'leap' - looking forward to the bound - cool stuff - good on you.
Hey jwent, thanks for the post. you have a lot of valid points.
I agree, I need to describe the cop some more. Thanks. The "Les" thing doesn't make sense in this short, but it is in there, because I plan on making this a full screenplay. I'm doing an Indiana Jones type of thing. His real name isn't Maddox. But I know, as THIS script goes, it doesn't belong.
I also agree with the ending. I didn't realize that I wrote it like that. It needs a face-lift for sure.
I thought this one wasn't too bad. As it progressed, it read more and more like a script. Toward the beginning it sort of read like a novel with too many descriptions in my opinion but it was almost as though you "hit your stride", so to speak, toward the middle and end. I thought it was a little light on some aspects but not bad for only 4 pages.
don't begin with "desert." we know that already. your slug just told us.
"He hasn't bathed in days." show us, don't tell us. i would let this go, except you've already told us that he's scuzzy. now you're just repeating yourself. in fact this whole paragraph can be condensed.
this cop seems to come out of no where. first you go too much into detail, and then you don't give us enough detail with the cop. i would make the introduction a bit smoother.
could use a POV shot as Maddox looks in the mirror
"He takes a clearly irritated stance." over directing. the audience can assume this through his dialogue. at the very least, remove "clearly"
p2
write out your numbers.
it's a bit of a stretch for an office to ask about a piece of ash in a cup holder. i'll buy into it, but there might be a better plot device. ***edit: after reading your comments, it seems as though this really happened. quite bizarre if I may say so. what a p rick of a cop.
p3
sounds can be capitalized (ie ROARS). not necessary, but it would add some excitement.
what was the cop's reaction? is he instantly dead?
there's a rule in film that everytime you kill an animal/child, you immediately lose 50% of your audience. quite frankly, i feel that 50% are a bunch of p ussies.
No need for that (CONT'D)
p4
wait, how is the dog unharmed? didn't Maddox just run over it?
no need for elipseseseses
THUD not thud
digging the cactus needle in the cheek
finished. so this one definitely kept me interested and entertained throughout all four pages. you need to scale back on some descriptors and give us more info for others. overall, a well written exercise, but little story overall. most shorts have some sort of twist at the end. this felt like a piece of a larger story.
Loving the Maddox character and the excellent dialog. I don't know if this is a short film or just a scene for a feature-length, but I think it would be an excellent opening for a film.
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