You gave my script a read so I thought I would take a peep at your script here although when I saw the page count it gave me a shiver. 51 pages feels too long for a short, think if you add some more pages then you’ve got a feature here and that’s definitely something to think about as the whole piece had a feature feel and felt undeveloped.
I was losing interest by page 13 and was about to bail when the boys landed at Perth airport and my interest suddenly piqued. Obviously living in Perth I was interested to see how you wrote these scenes and on the whole I think you did a good job with the little details… wonder if you’ve ever been here?
I will say this though, if you ever a hit a large kangaroo with your Ford Falcon without a roo bar, there is no way in hell you’re driving off afterwards… it’ll be a write-off.
The story has signs of promise but I wish it was more developed at the beginning, I had no idea Sarah was Gaz’s girlfriend until the funeral. I also didn’t get to see enough of the guys and their relationship before the accident, why all the security job thing when you could have had all the guys together and showing the reader their close relationship.
I like the idea of an affair in the group but it needs to be played up more before the accident and then we will feel Carl’s pain more afterwards. Gaz also needs to be more developed, we didn’t really see a lot of him and this meant I didn’t really care about his death.
Try to establish him more in the beginning, his love for Sarah which will ultimately make Carl’s deception more devastating to the guys near the end.
While I’m on the ending, it was too fast and again needs to be developed for me. The boys take down the thugs and then they meet at a café and all smile at the baby. Obviously we missed the middle section where they all made up and became friends again.
So in all I think there is something here and I think you should think about making this into a feature which add more weight to the beginning and end which fell flat with me.
I didn’t take down any notes but the writing could be a lot leaner and cleaned up… like mentioned before on your previous script, there are a few awkward sentences which made me stumble.
I would also check out your software, the spaces between the slugs and action looked very big in the first two pages or so but maybe’s that’s on my end… not sure?
A personal gripe but the constant use of “is” was also a real turn off and something I would look at trying to cut out of your writing.
“CARL (23) is seen getting dressed” What’s with the word “seen” you’d hope so if it’s on screen.
“STEVE (24) is sitting” Steve sits.
“Carl is stacking” Carl stacks.
“Gaz is seen returning” Again with the seen? “Gaz returns”
And I would also consider changing the names “Gaz” and “Daz” too similar and causes some trouble in those opening pages. Just a thought.
Overall not bad but I think it’s too long for a short and fails on this level for me and too short for a feature. I would expand on this, develop the characters relationship more and turn this into a drama feature.
Good luck and keep writing.
P.S I would have chosen something like “Drydock” for the beer choice at the bottle-o instead of V.B just because it’s a local brew and a lot nicer. I’m actually just glad you didn’t go with Fosters.