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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Gift From Gaz Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Gift From Gaz  (currently 1052 views)
Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2012, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gift From Gaz by Robbie Hardy (robbie37) - Short, Drama - A story of friendship and loss: After the death of a friend, a group of mates go on a road trip in remembrance, but a secret is still hidden that could tear the group apart. 51 pages - pdf, format


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Gage
Posted: June 6th, 2012, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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This one also has no reads, so might as well give it a shot.

First off, I like the concise descriptions.  Sounds authoritative, gives it an authentic feel.  The dialogue isn't on-the-nose, either.

You might wanna verify that Steve is wearing a silk shirt before the characters mention it, for clarity's sake.

Not sure how I feel about the whole "die die (as in bye bye)" thing.  On one hand, it is kinda hard to get across without the whole parenthetical (which the audience won't have), but it seems to fit the characters.  Maybe have them wave as they say it?

Page 3: "your" where "you're" should be, but otherwise a clean read so far.

Also, why Gaz and Daz?  It makes them easy to get confused.

Love the phone slightly lighting up the thief's face as he goes through the menus.  Good idea, keeps the mystery there.

Page 8: lose the "they are frantically looking for Carl".  We know what they're doing.

Wow.  Did not expect Gaz to die, the logline made me think Carl.

It's midnight, so I'll stop there.  I really like the read so far, and I'll be back to read more.


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Robbie37
Posted: June 8th, 2012, 3:49am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Asteroid...glad you're liking it so far...

If you have a script here I'll gladly read it & give you my opinion.

Hope you enjoy the rest.

Rob.
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Gage
Posted: June 9th, 2012, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Reading the rest of it now.

Love the bit with Daz getting angry at the postman.

I think if you skip in time but stay in the same location, you can just put "LATER".  Gets a bit tedious reading "INT. GREASY SPOON - LATER" over and over.

Instead of putting  £500, write it out in words.  Makes for an easier read.

Page 17: "Gaz would of loved this."  Not sure if you meant "have" or are speaking in Carl's dialect.

Page 27: "Carl panic's".  This oughtta be spellchecked.  Judging by the URL of the file, this is your "third and final" draft?

Ah, now I see why Gaz's and Daz's names are similar.  Excellent.

Ah, crap. It's Carl's baby.  Holy jesus.  Didn't see that coming at all.

Also didn't expect to see the thugs again at the end, either.

Alright, I'm finished.  Excellent, fantastic script.  I was hooked the whole way through, and I cared for the characters.  Can definitely see this one getting produced.  Great job, really.


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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 16th, 2012, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Robbie,

You gave my script a read so I thought I would take a peep at your script here although when I saw the page count it gave me a shiver. 51 pages feels too long for a short, think if you add some more pages then you’ve got a feature here and that’s definitely something to think about as the whole piece had a feature feel and felt undeveloped.

I was losing interest by page 13 and was about to bail when the boys landed at Perth airport and my interest suddenly piqued. Obviously living in Perth I was interested to see how you wrote these scenes and on the whole I think you did a good job with the little details… wonder if you’ve ever been here?

I will say this though, if you ever a hit a large kangaroo with your Ford Falcon without a roo bar, there is no way in hell you’re driving off afterwards… it’ll be a write-off.

The story has signs of promise but I wish it was more developed at the beginning, I had no idea Sarah was Gaz’s girlfriend until the funeral. I also didn’t get to see enough of the guys and their relationship before the accident, why all the security job thing when you could have had all the guys together and showing the reader their close relationship.

I like the idea of an affair in the group but it needs to be played up more before the accident and then we will feel Carl’s pain more afterwards. Gaz also needs to be more developed, we didn’t really see a lot of him and this meant I didn’t really care about his death.

Try to establish him more in the beginning, his love for Sarah which will ultimately make Carl’s deception more devastating to the guys near the end.

While I’m on the ending, it was too fast and again needs to be developed for me. The boys take down the thugs and then they meet at a café and all smile at the baby. Obviously we missed the middle section where they all made up and became friends again.

So in all I think there is something here and I think you should think about making this into a feature which add more weight to the beginning and end which fell flat with me.

I didn’t take down any notes but the writing could be a lot leaner and cleaned up… like mentioned before on your previous script, there are a few awkward sentences which made me stumble.

I would also check out your software, the spaces between the slugs and action looked very big in the first two pages or so but maybe’s that’s on my end… not sure?

A personal gripe but the constant use of “is” was also a real turn off and something I would look at trying to cut out of your writing.

“CARL (23) is seen getting dressed” What’s with the word “seen” you’d hope so if it’s on screen.

“STEVE (24) is sitting”  Steve sits.

“Carl is stacking” Carl stacks.

“Gaz is seen returning” Again with the seen? “Gaz returns”

And I would also consider changing the names “Gaz” and “Daz” too similar and causes some trouble in those opening pages. Just a thought.

Overall not bad but I think it’s too long for a short and fails on this level for me and too short for a feature. I would expand on this, develop the characters relationship more and turn this into a drama feature.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

P.S I would have chosen something like “Drydock” for the beer choice at the bottle-o instead of V.B just because it’s a local brew and a lot nicer. I’m actually just glad you didn’t go with Fosters.
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Robbie37
Posted: June 17th, 2012, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Hey Coop...

Thanks again for taking the time to read one of my scripts. These were written at Uni, and so were part of a module where we had to write a 30 minute script (MEAT) and a 60 minute script - (THE GIFT FROM GAZ).

I agree they both need work. I remember being frustrated at the time at the strictness of the assignment, as it obviously really hindered the writing process...but I have put them up on here to get any feedback and to try and learn from others points and tips...which I have already!

Yes, I have been to Perth. I went there in June, 1998 to be a Support Driver to a friend with diabetes who spent the next 69 days walking over to Sydney!

I love Australia, and so memories from back then helped give me some reality to the details...even if they may be over 14 years old now.

Yeh, I really should tweak this, and make it into a full length script...but am itching to start work on other ideas.

I think I will get this finished and then move on to something new....

And now I really wanna check out Drydock too. (Bet you can't get that in Sainsbury's!)

Thanks again Coop!

AND Asteroid...your kind comments lifted me, and I'm really grateful for you giving my script a review. If you have one on here please point it out and I'll give it a read.

Have a good week.

Rob
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