SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 8th, 2019, 4:33am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Drunk Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Drunk  (currently 1322 views)
Don
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13468
Posts Per Day
1.95
The Drunk by Cristian Nicolae - Short, Drama - A young man lost his thoughts in the wine bottle, dealing with problems. His nephew tries to show him the way out. 6 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Ledbetter
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Is the writer around?

I just read it and have some comments but before I do, I want to make sure this puppy isn't a drop off.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 6
pale yellow
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2143
Posts Per Day
0.73
Hello....

I took a look.

The dialogue....five pages of it...was on the nose to me. It sounded totally unnatural and basically said the same thing back and forth for four pages.

The two characters...I didn't care much about either character. We don't get to find out why the guy is a drunk, but it appears to be just one drunken episode. The other guy doesn't really help him. I want to buy into caring for the drunk guy but you don't give me a reason to....My advice is to build better characters...give us some depth...some reasons why he is the way he is.

The story...this was more(as said before) like a drunken episode without much to it. The guy did finally pass out or die at the end. Whichever...I didn't really care because I wasn't invested in the story or your character. I'm sorry.

I think you could rewrite this and make it better. Keep working on it. Read your dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds like people when they talk. It's hard to write dialogue ....

If you do a rewrite of this, I'd love to read it again....best of luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Gage
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
228
Posts Per Day
0.08
Sorry, I can't believe that a drunk person talks with such... efficiency, and thought.  In fact, neither of the characters really talk naturally.  It makes it hard to care about them.  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
danbotha
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Invercargill, New Zealand
Posts
723
Posts Per Day
0.26
Hi Christian.

I'm going to have to agree on other comments and say that I didn't really care about the characters either. The dialogue was unnatural. I would suggest reading it back to you to check how easy the words roll of the tongue.

You need to avoid the use of 'we' I used to do this as well, until someone here told me to avoid it. For me, its not a very visual way of storytelling.

I'm not the director of this one, so I don't want to see camera directions. It gets in the way of the read.

Page 1: "OLIVER HITS THE TABLE WITH HIS FIST." - Any reason why this is in CAPS? I've never understood why some writers choose to have whole sentences capitalized.

"Oliver gets back to his drunk attitude." - Isn't he already in his drunk attitude?

"He feels bad for his reaction." - Try not to describe a character's emotions. Just show us their facial expressions.

*There's no need to capitalize a character's name every time you mention them. Once is enough, IMO.

Page 3:" He is scared." - Show Stephen's fear. Trust me, I'd rather you spend a couple extra lines describing his facial features than simply saying "He's scared." I don't think I stand alone on this one...

Page 5: "OLIVER gets even more drunk..." - So just like that he's gotten more wasted, without drinking anymore?

So, I finished it, which means it's not that bad. I just think it needs more substance to it. I mean, if I was to summarize this, I'd say "A teenage boy is abused by a drunk man for 6 pages. At the end he passes out." That is literally all it is... a drunk man verbally abusing a poor kid, demanding that he get called "sir." There's no real point to the script IMO.

Sorry, this one didn't really bring anything new to the table.

Daniel


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
Forgive
Posted: June 3rd, 2012, 9:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1432
Posts Per Day
0.40
There's some grammar issues here, and they're sometimes a little off-putting.

Occasional 'we's' ar eokay, but we're littered with them here - also, may be an idea to drop some of the camera shots.

I think someone alse mentioned the dialogue being a bit on-the-nose - true - Oliver seems not to struggle to figure himself out at.

Overall, the writing ain't great, and the work really lacks any direction, tension - and the ending is really nothing ... needs work & a lot of it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
irish eyes
Posted: June 13th, 2012, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Location
Upstate New York
Posts
1679
Posts Per Day
0.47
Im sorry but this is really bad.

There are no emotions or natural reactions to the conversation and as it's been pointed out the dialogue is very much on the nose...

You finish it off with Oliver being so drunk he can barely speak.... then he recites this:

No, we cannot do that.  A bastard
like you should be sleeping outside,
in the mud or maybe with the dogs,
so when they'll be hungry, they will
be getting some meat without waking
me up.  That would be....majestic..

Not bad for someone who can barely speak.

Again create a little more emotion and better reaction from steven, better dialogue and less banging of the fists on the table.

Mark


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006