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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Unholy Stalker Moderators: bert
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  Author    Unholy Stalker  (currently 1103 views)
Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2012, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unholy Stalker by William P. Thomas Jr. (parish01) - Action, Adventure - After the death of a mans' son, he takes on a new identity as the stalker who has to stop the demon's released from hell. 121 pages - pdf, format


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Doms
Posted: June 5th, 2012, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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This is my boomstick!

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I tried to read the screenplay, but it suffers from far too many spelling and grammatical errors. Iím assuming that youíre not a native English speaker. You really should get a native speaker to clean up the writing.

Beyond that, you have far too many large blocks of text. Three lines is generally the limit, and, even then, you donít want to abuse them.

I jumped to a random point and read a bit. It didnít go well.

For example

--------------------------------------

MARQUIS: (THINKING TO HIMSELF)

I wonder where my son is at.
Knowing that boy, heís somewhere
playing around having fun like he
always does.

--------------------------------------

This is so on-the-nose itís brutal, and wholly unnecessary.

Again, Iím chalking this up to you not being a native English speaker. Find such a person and have them co-write with you.

Good luck!
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Forgive
Posted: June 5th, 2012, 5:55pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I don't know if you are on the boards, but you really need to have a big re-think about this - the introduction is painful - re-structure it and lose an awful lot of CAPS.

You don't need colons following you characters.

Junior sits up and looks tried at Marquis.
   JUNIOR:
Dad what time is it.
   MARQUIS:
Itís ten a clock.
Junior eyes widen as he looks shocked at Marquis.

This passage sets out everything about why this script doesn't work - as Doms has pointed out, you may not be a native speaker, and you may be quite young, so I'd suggest you pull out a couple of shorts while you get the craft straight. A feature requires an awful lot of effort, and you don't want to end this wide of the mark.
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