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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  America The Beautiful Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 2nd, 2012, 3:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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America The Beautiful by Jon Berkley - Drama - When two friends growing up in middle class America make all the right moves to get ahead in life, the system fails them.  They eventually turn to a life of crime, using controversial issues as their scapegoats, just to make ends meet.  Soon they realize they have become what they despise most, and struggle to return their lives to normalcy.  104 pages - pdf, format


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Posted: June 3rd, 2012, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jon - this read fairly well, not too sure if you're around, but I thought I have a quick look.

I take it there's an element of auto-biography, here?

Nice opening - one minor through - maybe could have referred to the man jsut a 'Cowboy'?

Bottom of page two - not too sure that I could locate Mrs Sanders.

Also, I found the slug use a little confusing - maybe best just to go for Jonathan's house / Douglas's house - I had to flit back a forth a bot to remember who's house we were in and who's parents we were dealing with ...

I think maybe some reference to age, however subtle, might be needed.

I kinda had the feeling the set-up was too long, maybe the columbine references could have been done at the same time as the kegs scene - else I'm starting to wonder where the story is going ... ?

Doug's speech on page 10/11 seems to come a little out of no-where - I think the set could have been to show these feeling develop and begin to rise to the surface - maybe stick in a couple of instances, so that Doug has (however minor) some personal experience of this - personalise it somwhat ... ?

Okay overall, but I think you can cram more into the set-up - it's a little stretched out, maybe up Doug's motivation a little.
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j2dabizo
Posted: June 21st, 2012, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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hey, im still here!!!

Thanks for the read, appreciate it.

Thanks for the feedback as well....i agree the buildup is a little long, I can probably cram it a little bit, but we wanted to build it up a little.  We needed to show there background, how they think, how they got there...

This was our first script we wrote together.

I think this was a good first draft but it will def need a rewrite, or two, or three lol.

Thanks again....any others feedback will be greatly appreciated.
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