The Find by Darren James Steeley - Short, Sci Fi, Animation - On an uncharted planet, a communication breakdown between an alien civilization and a team of astronauts goes horribly wrong.  13 pages - pdf, format

Hello, DJS.

This script doesn't succeed as a short. I think you're handling some large themes--cultural relativism, religion, reincarnation or cloning--mind/body/spirit debate-- that require more than 12 pages. Likewise, the story lacks a compelling narrative. Laura should've been a small and mousy subordinate instead of a giant heroic, blonde captain. Also, the dialog is hokey--it sounds like 1950s sci-fi lingo peppered with 1980s profanity. This story does have a PK Dick vibe. I think if you wrote another 10-20 pages, minimum, you'd have a nice story.

Best regards,
rmaze

I guess this must be a test for a bigger piece. Didn't really have an end, and a lot of it does really need to be worked into something bigger.

I think the ability to recreate from DNA should be hinted at an an earlier stage.

With so much being crammed into a short space it felt a bit 'Star Trek' (series), with the war etc - needed to widen out a little bit - room to breathe.

Writing's capable as usual, but it does feel like it needs a feature length space to really get anything out of this.

Hmmm. You're the first two peeps to say that it should be longer.
Interesting.

Yes, the intent is to be a bit pulp- sci-fi like with hints of Heavy Metal (as in the graphic novel-magazine from the 80s and 90s; and the 91 animated feature) and I could have sworn I put in hints about the regeneration/cloning deal, but then i also remembered that I wanted a few things to be ambigous.

They deny that they are "gods", but play along and say that they are.
Turns out they didn't consider cloning "living forever"
But that also goes to appearance too, rmaze. Why would any character be "mousy" if they have tech that can buff them up?

Thanks for your input, both of you.

Straightforward story you got here, towards the end I was thinking Heavy Metal short, so I was relieved and a little surprised that I was able to capture that in my imagination. If anyone has seen it they would know that it is a bit underdeveloped out the gate and ends vague. I'm not really a fan of this kind of storytelling, but for what it is, it serves it's purpose. Hope you can add more shorts to support the world you have created and loosely tie in the stories. Thanks for sharing.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Hope you can add more shorts to support the world you have created and loosely tie in the stories. Thanks for sharing.

Ummm...you really are new here, aren't you?  

Welcome to Simplt Scripts Johnny.

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley Ummm...you really are new here, aren't you?   Welcome to Simplt Scripts Johnny.

Extremely new.

Yesterday, I got some interesting news.
Someone out there like this, a lot.

And I said...

"Okay"

I'll probably have to nix the f bomb though in the revision; no huge loss.

Hey Darren,

Just gave this a read and I honestly think your writing style (story aside) is brilliant. Highly captivating language that's short and to the point. Well done.

Levi

Thanks Levi.

I'm surprised you gave Find a read; the thread was getting buried a little.
But again. thanks for the kind words.

I'd say it's not a short because I don't have a story out of it. Interesting enough and some pretty cool stuff, though.