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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Find
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Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Find by Darren James Steeley - Short, Sci Fi, Animation - On an uncharted planet, a communication breakdown between an alien civilization and a team of astronauts goes horribly wrong.  13 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 16th, 2012, 4:08pm
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rmaze
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, DJS.

This script doesn't succeed as a short. I think you're handling some large themes--cultural relativism, religion, reincarnation or cloning--mind/body/spirit debate-- that require more than 12 pages. Likewise, the story lacks a compelling narrative. Laura should've been a small and mousy subordinate instead of a giant heroic, blonde captain. Also, the dialog is hokey--it sounds like 1950s sci-fi lingo peppered with 1980s profanity. This story does have a PK Dick vibe. I think if you wrote another 10-20 pages, minimum, you'd have a nice story.

Best regards,
rmaze

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rmaze  -  July 3rd, 2012, 7:57pm
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Forgive
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I guess this must be a test for a bigger piece. Didn't really have an end, and a lot of it does really need to be worked into something bigger.

I think the ability to recreate from DNA should be hinted at an an earlier stage.

With so much being crammed into a short space it felt a bit 'Star Trek' (series), with the war etc - needed to widen out a little bit - room to breathe.

Writing's capable as usual, but it does feel like it needs a feature length space to really get anything out of this.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: August 4th, 2012, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm. You're the first two peeps to say that it should be longer.
Interesting.

Yes, the intent is to be a bit pulp- sci-fi like with hints of Heavy Metal (as in the graphic novel-magazine from the 80s and 90s; and the 91 animated feature) and I could have sworn I put in hints about the regeneration/cloning deal, but then i also remembered that I wanted a few things to be ambigous.

They deny that they are "gods", but play along and say that they are.
Turns out they didn't consider cloning "living forever"
But that also goes to appearance too, rmaze. Why would any character be "mousy" if they have tech that can buff them up?

Thanks for your input, both of you.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 4th, 2012, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Straightforward story you got here, towards the end I was thinking Heavy Metal short, so I was relieved and a little surprised that I was able to capture that in my imagination. If anyone has seen it they would know that it is a bit underdeveloped out the gate and ends vague. I'm not really a fan of this kind of storytelling, but for what it is, it serves it's purpose. Hope you can add more shorts to support the world you have created and loosely tie in the stories. Thanks for sharing.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Hope you can add more shorts to support the world you have created and loosely tie in the stories. Thanks for sharing.


Ummm...you really are new here, aren't you?  

Welcome to Simplt Scripts Johnny.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley


Ummm...you really are new here, aren't you?  

Welcome to Simplt Scripts Johnny.


Extremely new.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: August 8th, 2012, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Yesterday, I got some interesting news.
Someone out there like this, a lot.

And I said...

"Okay"

I'll probably have to nix the f bomb though in the revision; no huge loss.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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levijyron
Posted: September 9th, 2012, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

Just gave this a read and I honestly think your writing style (story aside) is brilliant. Highly captivating language that's short and to the point. Well done.

Levi
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 9th, 2012, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Levi.

I'm surprised you gave Find a read; the thread was getting buried a little.
But again. thanks for the kind words.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 9th, 2012, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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I'd say it's not a short because I don't have a story out of it. Interesting enough and some pretty cool stuff, though.
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