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Alex, I was a little confused by the opening to this. You state the tension builds...what tension? You haven't set a scene or anything.
As I read on and became aware this is extremely close to a short I wrote a few years ago called 'The Race'. The second I read the 'explosion starts the race' I was like, hang on, I think I know where this is going?
As it is I thought some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose and some actions were a little confusing.
I'm not sure if you've read my short but it is close. As a result I kind of knew where this was going from the outset and so it didn't 'surprise' me at all.
It's a decent idea but sadly already done, not that I'm saying there's no merit in your version. It had some comedy moments but ultimately didn't satisfy me. Sorry.
Also your logline doesn't read too good. I think you need some comma's in it and spell check too.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Gotta agree with alffy on starting the read with "the tension builds". We don't know what's happening yet. That's like saying "the ice cream was delicious" before you put it in your mouth.
Moving on, I don't know HOW these people are talking to each other while sprinting for their lives. How on earth can you be such a diplomat while running full speed? I would just be panting and maybe crying... after all, they could die, right?
I do like the humor of Cindy getting headbutted, though.
"The weather changes and the competitor's are forced backwards." No aprostrophe needed, and describe how the weather changes. On the same page you have a "you're" instead of "your".
Aha! Great ending! Was not expecting that, actually. Looking back, I probably should have. Good ending, made me smile.
So, you had a funny idea that's been done this way and that way for frickin' eons. No big deal. No one has to reinvent any wheels.
You've got to present yourself as best you can, and if this is your best, I'm sorry to say, you're in for a long race, bro.
There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin. OK, I lied...I know exactly where to begin.
You've got a blatant mistake in your logline, for starters. "change" - should obviously be "chance". As someone else correctly said, the entire log is so awkwardly written. When you read a log like this, you know exactly what's going to follow, and this was no exception to that rule.
Your title page is off - title and/or your name not properly centered. Opening Slug (and only Slug) is terrible. No way in the world to visualize this. Descriptions and intros are poor and again, impossible to visualize anything you're writing.
But, I'll tell you what takes the cake here. It's the dialogue. I'm sorry to say but it honestly sounds like a pisser, in which you made it as bad a you could for laughs. So incredibly on the nose and unrealistic, it's scary, actually.
So, I know, I'm being very harsh, and uncool, and for that I do apologize, but IMO, young beginning writers need to know what's wrong with what they're doing and why it's wrong. It's the only way to learn and get better.
I do hope this makes sense and helps.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I rushed this through more than I should have, so sorry for the dialogue etc.
As for the tension builds. I guess when you reach the end and know where the story goes, then second read makes it much clearer. I found others that have read it, did a second read and some lines where understandable.
I think a director would struggle putting this into film for the fact that he would have to have an incredible imagination and it would be extremely challenging. For this reason it was written for fun and not to be produced.
You’re fast becoming the “shorts master” What’s this, your fifth in a few months. You seem to be banging them out so quickly which is maybe why this fell flat for me. I will commend you on your improvement in the writing department. There are still some issues but you’ve come a long way since I read your first script.
If there is one area you need to concentrate on now it would be the dialogue. Again like another of your recent scripts, it comes off so unrealistic and laughable at times and not in a good way. Like I said before dialogue is difficult, very difficult.
I don’t have much to add to what has already been said, I’ve seen this before so you wasn’t throwing anything new at me. I sometimes think you’re rushing these scripts and it really shows in the stories I’m sorry to say. I would like to see something more substantial from you.
I have to admit I have rushed this more than I should have. It was done simply because it was rolling around in my head haunting me, I am now relieved at emptying that part of my brain. Hence why I am knocking my head on the desk in my avatar.
I do know where my strong and weak points are and will work on this thanks to all the SS assistance.
I have just finished another screenplay which is more substantial and will go through it in more detail to ensure I get the dialogue and action lines right before I post it.
You guys on SS are great even though I hate you sometimes for comments made, I am a realist and know it's for my own good. I wish I had started writing 20 years ago.
Thanks for reading.
PS I have fixed some of the dialogue so I hope it is more realistic !!!!
I appreciated this for what it was. I laughed at myself when I got to the end for not figuring it out, then when I went to read it again a second time, I laughed at all the things I missed. I thought it was pretty clever because I had never really come across anything like this before. (Though, now I feel obligated to check out Alffy's script.)
So, you did catch me off guard and I didn't see where you were going. (At first, I thought it was going to be like a Hunger Games thing.)
I see you've gotten some flack for your stilted and on-the-nose dialogue. I also see that you've posted a new draft since then brushing it up. There are still fragments of dialogue that are very on the nose, but I have to say, not as bad as others had ripped you up for, so I'll have to say the new draft is a success dialogue-wise, but there are still a few stilted lines in there here and there worth considering.
Even though you don't plan on getting this filmed, (I have a few of those stories, too... One of them has actually ended up in production now with a very capable director.) I enjoyed it for what it was.
Thanks for the read Mark and bringing this back to the top,
We both seem to be on the same wavelength. I also felt a second read is required in order to enjoy the screenplay more. Simply once you know the ending you can relate more to the body of the screenplay.
This was something that was rolling around in my head and I am glad I performed and exorcism. Hee Hee.
I will have another read of the dialouge though if you feel there are parts that could be tweaked please let me know.
Finally i really feel that a talented director could prove himself with this one, If it happens, though my thoughts are the people in the race would have to be human though maybe somehow look fake ???? Not animated though possibly computer generated. Would not be an easy excercise.
Glad my script caught you by surprise. Hopefully you may wish to read some of my others.
Alex, I know that life is tough, cruel, mean and deceiving. Whether this is a foot race or everyday life race. Why would a female curse and hit a male when she does not even know him, and all he did was ask a question by just saying Hi, nice day isn't it?
And secondly, why would a male head but a female just out of the clear blue, when all she did was say hi to him, and then to make matters worse, the same rude mean female and the same rude mean male is now neck to neck approaching the finish line.
Suddenly the female pushes him down from the side and she progress onward through the finish line tape, and uplift her arms in victory by saying, It's a girl.
I must say, If this is a foot race or a life race, It is a rough, mean and insane way to run a race and live a life. And most importantly a careless way to bring a baby into this word and raise it.