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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  First Day Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 19th, 2012, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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First Day by Ian F White - Short, Action, Adventure -  When a young soldier joins his new Nordic ski-troop unit, his action-packed first day comes to an explosive conclusion with fantastically unexpected consequences. 13 pages - pdf, format


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rmaze
Posted: September 19th, 2012, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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This was an enjoyable read. It would be an interesting short story if it offered more insight into the characters, especially Magnus. As it is, I think it could use more character development as a "would-be" short film and less action. Also, more symbolism could be written into the story; little cues that tantalize the reader/viewer as to who certain characters are without being so obvious that it gives away who's who too early. For example, "Sarge" could have had thunderbolt insignia on his rifle or helmet.

(WARNING SPOILER) The same can be done with Magnus considering his new situation a' la M. Night. Shyamalan's Sixth Sense. The second viewing was more enjoyable than the first, finding all the clues that revealed Bruce Willis's character was dead. (SPOILER ENDS)

Overall this was imaginative and has incredible potential. Kudos to you.

My reviews concentrate more on story and less on script technicalities like "fade in" or "out," etc, but I did notice that you spelled Erik as Eric toward the end of the script.

Best regards,
rmaze
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Forgive
Posted: September 20th, 2012, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Ian - this is a decent piece of work here - I really enjoyed it - I think it's got a great deal of potential and you could easily turn this into a feature.

It does have a lot of similarities to SS as rmaze pointed out, but then again it's probably different enough to be able to get away with it. I think there's room in the body for a lot of adventure.

I agree that maybe it needs ala SS a 'cut point' - maybe the ambush, where all the guys could be taken out, and then play from there on. There's a huge potential from there on.

I also agree that there's some need for a little backstory, especially if this were to be fleshed out into something more substantial.

Couple of minors for me:

p.4 Magnus flips over a body with his foot
- a soldier wouldn't do this.

p.8 The four men move stealthily from the treeline, in the shadow a few out-buildings and past the tethered horses.
- needs re-writing.

Apart from that, it was all good!
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DV44
Posted: September 20th, 2012, 9:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian- Nice little twist towards the end of the story. Didn't see that coming. Well written. Overall I enjoyed it very much and I agree with Simon in that you could make this into a feature length story. Best of luck-
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M.Alexander
Posted: September 20th, 2012, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure I understood the ending, but definitely a fun and effective read.  Halfway through I was thinking these are characters in a video game.  Soldier of Fortune meets Warcraft, or something like that.   In any event, it flowed well. Spotted a few format glitches but didn't take the time to jot them down.  You'll catch 'em if you do a rewrite.    

A+ for originality.
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rc1107
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian.

I think you'll get a lot of people to like this one, as it is pretty imaginative and you have a nice little twist.

I was into it, too, actually.  I thought it was pretty original as we don't really think of battles on a ski slope.  But then you went all fantasy on me and I just tuned out and went 'eh, whatever', and lost interest.

That's not saying it was bad.  I'm just saying it's not my cup of tea.  (Don't worry, I even tune out and lose interest when Stephen King goes fantasy.)

Again, you'll get a lot of people to like, maybe even love, this one.  It is well written for the most part, except for maybe the dialogue towards the end, but again, that could be just me not liking the fantasy element again.

I wish you luck with this if you're around.

Lol.  By the way, I got a laugh at the beginning when you said that they were skiing and then they were carrying machine guns and rifles.  I kept picturing them using their rifles as ski poles.  Maybe mention that the guns are strapped to their bodies somewhere in there.


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Steex
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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I drink your milkshake.

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Overall, I liked this one. There are a few things I noticed...

You are missing quite a few commas. No big deal.

Also, I would get rid of a few of the parenthicals. It's not a big thing, but you don't really need to tell us Magnus is puzzled, since he's asking a question. Or that he is excited, since you wrote "a portable rocket launcher!".
You also have Brand (shout) "Chopper!", which is implied.
Bear (impressed) "good shot, lad." doesn't seem necessary either.

Besides those few small things, you did a good job!
Keep it up.


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