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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Reservoir Pups Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Reservoir Pups by Robert Spence - Short - A team plan to pull off the most daring heist imaginable. The only thing is, they are kids, and it is in a play park… 14 pages - pdf, format


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M.Alexander
Posted: September 28th, 2012, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.   A quick and effective read.   I didn't really buy Jeff getting shot with the suction arrow, but that's about my only gripe.    Funny stuff.  It'd make for a an entertaining short film.  
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: September 30th, 2012, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot.  It had the feel of Rugrats or Our Gang (dang I'm old!).  I laughed throughout and thought overall, you did a good job with this.  The adults watching them and having no idea what they are doing is funny to me.  I only had a few issues with it, but read it all the way first without taking any notes (which is rare for me).  Here are my notes:
Pg 1:
Rory freezes instantly, finger mid pick.  That was funny!

Pg 2:
I would have the Mafia Kids with candy cigars.
You had Jeff at “the ice cream stall” and then had A.J. Notice “an ice cream stall.”  It almost sounds like another one.  Just make them both “the”
I like how all the kids go through the reasons the adults give them for not eating ice cream.

Pg 5:
Rambo Einstein, 7, going on 45.  Very funny!

Pg 12:
Jeff after being hit with the arrow and lying motionless on the ground.  I like this.
The Godson and Lilly are also sat with them enjoying themselves...  This sentence needs rework.

Good job with this!


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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RobertSpence
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot for reading guys. I'll take onboard all the critisism on my next draft. The purpose of the script was to be lighthearted and fun which I think I've achieved.

Cheers


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Scripts

Reservoir Pups

Short Comedy 14 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1348865321/

The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1388849749/s-0/#num4
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