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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dreams and Reality Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dreams and Reality  (currently 860 views)
Posted: November 27th, 2012, 6:51pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Dreams and Reality by Jacob Greenberg - Comedy - A dream of a modest maid, where she robs a bank, invades reality and changes her life. 65 pages - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 29th, 2012, 10:46am
revsied script
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Posted: November 28th, 2012, 12:28am Report to Moderator

Dog Eat Dog

Utopia DownUnder
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Hey Jacob,

Wow 62 pages does seem a lot for a short ??? Maybe it should be a feature.

Logline didn't read good for me as it sounds to segmented. "where she robs a bank"  ????

Just a suggestion:-
"The reality of a boring life catches up with a modest maid, who takes life to a whole new level".

A few things I noticed :-

"Lisa is waiting at a bus stop at night" ??? Lisa waits at .......

Also there are a lot of action lines beginning with "She ........" sound more like instructions than an action line.

"The apartment is small, with poor furniture, and with piles
of books and things scattered around" ??? reads awkward try:-
This small poorly decorated apartment, lacks organisation with piles
of books and possessions scattered about.

Don't have the time to read more though I hope the comments I posted gives you an idea of what you need to be achieving. Tighten up the writing and choose every word wisely.

Great effort for getting 60pages done.



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