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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  The Black Widow Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Black Widow  (currently 1077 views)
Don
Posted: December 1st, 2012, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Black Widow by Priit Movitsh - Series - The series is about a woman whose rich and old husband dies by falling the stairs. Her step daughter hates her and she suspects that the her step mom murdered her father to inherit all his fortune. It's a crime series full of thrill and drama. 21 pages - pdf, format


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RegularJohn
Posted: December 1st, 2012, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Priit.

The logline bugs me to start with.  I think falling down the stairs is what you meant.  Also the last sentence should be cut out.  The thrill and drama should be up there with the Series instead of in the logline.

The FADE IN should be before the slug.  The WE FOCUS line should be cut out.  You don't need the "we" in your action lines since we can see everything.  The characters aren't introduced properly in caps.

Your parentheticals are a major issue.  Any action that long should just be an action line.  You even describe Morgan's great smile in the parenthesis which is not good.  Refrain from using them unless absolute necessary.  A lot of redundant lines and typos as well.  Good luck in your rewrite.


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Chris Ramos
Posted: December 10th, 2012, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Any description needs to go as an action, not in parenthesis. I like it.

Smile

Chris


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: December 10th, 2012, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but I couldn't read past page one. As the logline would suggest, there are too many issues here.

An occasional parenthetical might be okay, but not this:

"Raising her head and looks up to him, Morgan is a little bit taller than she is."

That's ridiculously long, not to mention unnecessary. You need to infer that kind of information. Most readers will presume a man is taller than a woman unless you say otherwise. You're telling us every little thing.

You even make someone handing out a business card into a tedious affair. Look at this example from your script:

Morgan takes out a business card from his left pocket.

JANINE
(looking at the
card )
Whatís that ?

MORGAN
(passing the card
to Janine )
Hereís my card in case you need
something. And again, Iím
deeply sorry for the loss of
your husband Walter.


You could have written:

Morgan hands her a business card.

MORGAN
Hereís my card in case you need
something.


Readers will get the same thing out of what I wrote, only a lot quicker. It's inferred that she will look at the card as she takes it. She doesn't need to ask what it is. Any idiot can see what it is. Who cares what pocket he takes it from? I don't. If it's important, you need to draw attention to it in a way that feels deliberate.

I have my own rule about small-talk - make it snappy. Make it pop or make it quick and painless. If you can't make it interesting, make it go away. You can't use that many lines to hand out a business card, Priit, unless it's part of something bigger and more dynamic.

My recommendation is to do another draft. Look for ways to infer smaller pieces of information, then post a more concise draft so you can get full reads.

Also, there are grammar issues, such as it's instead of its (there's no apostrophe in the possessive form of its).

On a positive note, congratulations on completing a script and good luck with rewrites!


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