A Walking Dead Christmas :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

"T-DOG looks really happy and black."

nice descriptor. very PC of you....

so I literally rolled my eyes when i saw the title of this one. i pretty much opened it because i wanted to s hit on it. I'm embarrassed to say that i STILL watch the walking dead to this day. but a walking dead/christmas combo sounds like a horrible idea...on all levels.

but perhaps i'm being too harsh. just trying to warn you. i was a bit biased from the start...

p1
MAGGIE'S SISTER THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT
^what about Carl? or that creepy prisoner? inside jokes aside, this doesn't work on a visual level. essentially it's a joke for the reader and the reader alone.

"Hershel pats the stupid girl on the head,"
^not only have you over directed thus far, but this does not work on a visual level. whereas my previous remark could have been mistaken for a (lame) joke, this just screams amateur. show us. don't tell us.

p2
way too many parentheticals

"Everyone laughs again! That's their Daryl! T-Dog shakes his
head, because white folks be crazy. Rick quietly leaves the
room. It doesn't go unnoticed."
^I see what you're trying to do, but it just doesn't work. maybe it's because i still love/hate the walking dead. or maybe it's because Daryl actually isn't racist. regardless, phrases such as "that's their Daryl!" makes me groan.

why is "KILLED" capped? you're just capping random words now.

I've read a few walking dead parody scripts on the boards, but they never work. and here's why- they have no shelf life. SPOILERS Lori was killed off a few episodes ago. so already, your screenplay is irrelevant and obsolete. no one will EVER film this because of that. maybe you don't care if it gets produced. but then why write it in the first place?

p3
okay i'll give credit where credit's due. the whole lori/rick dynamic is written pretty well. you've embodied the way both of them talk. and it works. if lori was still alive that is....

you're over punctuating a bit. and over capping. but i said that already.

p 5
write out numbers.

Carl is not a bad ass this season nor will he ever be.

why did Maggie intervene? she would never do this.

ha! instead of knife, you said spork! HILARIOUS!

p6
T-Dog looks like "did this white woman just cut me OFF?
How's this bitch get more lines than me anyway?"
^that's quite a lot for an actor to digest. not sure how he's supposed to communicate so much without saying anything. i'm beginning to think this script is a bit racist...even more so than the writers of the walking dead. RIP T-Dawg 2

obviously Rick would never talk like this either.

so i hate to say this, but i had to skim the rest. just wasn't feeling it. way too long and cumbersome. feels like a chore to get through.

points for including Tyreese. obviously you've read the comics (or saw last night's episode)

okay, i actually laughed at part where Rick gives Lori Shane's dick. that was pretty funny. actually, that was really f ucking funny. probably the best part of the screenplay.

so in conclusion. this needs a lot of work. it's way too long for starters and the descriptors need to be condensed. you over direct and you've managed to capture the characters 50/50. the good news? i didn't hate it. and you convinced me that a walking dead christmas mash up COULD work. The bad news? it didn't work for me in this case. to make matters even worse, this script has no longevity whatsoever. so a rewrite is virtually pointless.

this should feel more christmas-y. what about egg nog and the yule log? what about chanukah and kwanza? a lot of missed opportunities.

but hey, at least it's not the Rise of Taj....