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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Scotch Guard Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Scotch Guard  (currently 1540 views)
Don
Posted: December 14th, 2012, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Scotch Guard by Rob Anderson - Comedy - A clueless father recounts a tale from his debaucherous college days in hopes of earning the respect of his wise-cracking son.  The Scotch Guard is a tale of sex, drugs, rock ní roll, hookers, fire trucks, kilt-wearing midgets and fraternal pride. 114 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 7th, 2013, 2:39pm
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crookedowl
Posted: December 14th, 2012, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Robert,

Your logline isn't good. You should, at the very least, give us an idea of who the protagonist is, and what his goal is. Right now, all your logline is telling us is this is, "this script is two hours of mindless randomness!" which is surprisingly not popular.

Okay, so it's not .pdf, but at least the formatting is right. I still suggest downloading Celtx (free!) to format your screenplay and create pdfs. Most people around here don't even open something if it's not .pdf.

The writing itself is much better than I assumed, but there are some issues.

Your opening paragraph, while I see that you're setting the tone, has some redundant lines. Frisbee on the roof? How does this serve the story, at all?

Your description of the dad isn't bad, but the correct way is to write your character's name in ALL CAPS the FIRST time we see them on screen. Right now, you describe him before giving us a name.

You don't need to cap "he ENTERS". That's a TV thing. In scripts, only cap things that you need to stand out... and entering the room isn't very exciting.

You tell instead of show by saying he's Dad's son. How do we know this when watching on film? All we see is him coming in the room. So remember, only write what we can see on the screen. It's obvious early on through dialogue that they're father and son, anyway.

Haven't seen you around the boards, so I'll stop here until you make an appearance. Hope this helps.

Will
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RegularJohn
Posted: December 16th, 2012, 2:50am Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Hey Robert.

I agree with Will in that the logline needs a rewrite.  Simply listing these random scenarios and things may seem intriguing and appealing but sorry to say it isn't.

The mom's Wisniowka drink should be changed to something generic such as vodka.  I doubt that we'd care what exactly she's drinking so do without the unnecessary plug.

You switch from calling Gregor to Greg.  I'm not sure about the rule with name changes but if you introduce a character in the action sequence, then that is their name throughout the script, in spite of what other characters may call him.

During the car drive, Brian comes up out of nowhere.  I'm not sure if it's a mistake or a name change.  You have Gregor taking out a blunt then rolling a blunt?  There are a few problems with unfilmables and a few things that are overwritten.

I wish I had an idea of where this was headed but from the logline and the dialogue between Dad and Gregor, it seems like another wild college feature.  Hopefully you'll show up and shed some light on the topic.  Best of luck.


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insider901
Posted: February 19th, 2013, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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I read about 15 pages. For a Word doc, it's formatted well, and it's structured well from a technical standpoint. Definitley got some Animal House stuff going on early but it's very funny. I laughed at a lot of stuff going on here.

BTW, 127 pages is way, way too long for a script like this.
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