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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Murder, Mud and Mayhem Moderators: bert
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  Author    Murder, Mud and Mayhem  (currently 1853 views)
Don
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Murder, Mud and Mayhem (A Love Story) by Artemus  - Comedy, Dark Comedy - While on a trip to the English coast a young American business heir falls in love with a local woman who helps him survive a kidnapping from two inept killers. 98 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 12th, 2013, 10:43am
revised draft 61213
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crookedowl
Posted: December 19th, 2012, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Artemus & Oz,

Haven't seen your names around here. Believe me, I'd remember if I had.

Your opening slug is wrong. For one, stay away from writing ESTABLISHING in a spec script, but regardless... you didn't use establishing right, anyway. Just write the shot as a normal slug. EXT. ENGLISH COASTAL LANDSCAPE - DAY

I wouldn't use THE in slugs. EXT. THE FERRY and INT. THE BAR OF THE FERRY. Just go with EXT. FERRY and INT. BAR - FERRY

Your action lines are solid overall, but I caught some issues. Don't say "they can be seen on the ferry". Just write "they're on the ferry."

Your dialogue needs work, though. It's on the nose in places and not natural other times. Read it out loud and make sure it sounds realistic.

And get rid of CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages.

Overall this is a very intriguing premise, but I won't read farther until you appear on the boards.

Hope this helps.

Will
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Artemus
Posted: December 21st, 2012, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Thank you  Will for taking the time to read some of our script.
When you work on something for a long time you canít see the wood for the trees and we are still on a steep learning curve so any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks again for taking the time.
Artemus (without Oz)
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 21st, 2012, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Artemus...

Cool name btw...anyway I was almost hesitant to open this because of the list of genres beside the title. I think you need to narrow it down a bit. Sometimes a piece can deteriorate if there is genre switching throughout IMO.

I love the title so I figured why not...so I opened and read the first ten.

I like your Jolene character. I feel like the dialogue between her and Veronica went on too long. I also think you need to reread your dialogue as it appears a bit on the nose. I think getting some folks together for a table read to read your characters is helpful. Sometimes we do not catch 'on the nose' when we read our own dialogue..at least I don't catch it on my own ...

It kind of went south for me when I started reading the whole will....changing scene conversation. I'm going to stop at page ten.

Not bad..just needs more work. Dialogue is the thing that stuck out most to me ....Best of luck ...look forward to reading more of your work.
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Artemus
Posted: December 24th, 2012, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read the first ten pages of our script, we really appreciate your advice and comments.
The dialogue does need work and a table read is good advice.
Thanks again.
Artemus
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Artemus
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Have changed scene headings, got rid of the CONTINUED  and tweaked the dialogue.
Hopefully it's a better read now.
Artemus
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insider901
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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I went over the first 10 pages. As mentioned, the slug lines need fixed but those are easy. You guys write action like a champ. Very, very good and efficient. A few mistakes but overall, very good.

The dialogue is very stiff and not natural. Talk it out loud when you read it. People usually don't talk the way we write.
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vancety
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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A shot heading may contain just one element or several, but those elements are always listed in oirder from 'general' to 'specific'., like so INT. FERRY - BAR - DAY
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NW3
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Christ on a bike, would you read the script!? The location in question is a pub called The Ferryman Inn. Not FERRY, not THE FERRY, not BAR ON A FERRY. There is no ferry. Artemis, you got it exactly right (the first time):

  EXT. THE FERRYMAN INN - DAY

You have taken well meaning but erroneous advice and made a new problem in your new script. The pub is not FERRYMAN INN, it is THE FERRYMAN INN:

  INT. THE FERRYMAN INN, BAR - DAY

FWIW, I read your script and quite enjoyed it. If you are still around, I can post a review.
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Artemus
Posted: April 29th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you NW3 for your advice, it is much appreciated. I would very much like you to do a review of M,M&M and would happily  do one in return. Just let me know what you would like me to read.
Also a big thanks for reading it all.
Artemus
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