Swindle by Tom Peterson (DivinityFilms) - Short, Thriller - When a deaf woman arrives at the home of a crime leader and asks to help in his robberies, he finds her to be useful, yet questions her motives. 7 pages - pdf, format

Tom, this is your fourth script on the boards and you have yet to comment on anyone else's work.  Don't you think it's time?  This board works on give and take.


Phil

I'm with Phil!

I have a hundred scripts to choose from here

I'm gonna pick scripts I see from people who are putting something in and not just dropping scripts off to see what people say about their work.

Shawn.....><

No, fade in.  Poor dialogue.  Poor grammar.

Quoted from Grandma Bear And I will chime in and say what I've said many times before.   What if the author is not interested in any input? What if the author just wants his/her script posted in the vast screenplay library of Simply Scripts? Then there's also the possibility that the author doesn't know the forum exists.

Quoted from Grandma Bear And that's how we lose potential members....

Well if he's really not someone interested in the first place or if all he's doing is storing his script in the vast storage warehouse of Simply Scripts without any possibility of participation, then I suppose it's no harm, no foul.

Shawn.....><

I didnt say all that?

Don't shot someone in line waiting for a beer when it's the bartender you're after.

I simply noted that the poster should at least chime in if nothing else.

Shawn.....><

Hey Tom.

You're starting your script with an orphan and it reads a bit funny.  I suggest rewriting it and giving the man a name or some kind of description to distinguish him.

"DIEGO(age) cowers on the floor.  SORIN(29), rough looking, holds a baseball bat over his head."

So the dialogue is awkwardly written but it's constant so I'm guessing that these characters may be foreign?  It's fine but that shouldn't be the case for your action lines.

Sasha and Diego aren't properly introduced either.  Okay, so they're Russian.  That clears up the dialogue but still fix the action lines.  I suggest having Sorin swear in Russian at the top of the intro so that it clears up the awkward dialogue.

You capped a line out of nowhere.  I think you've done that in one of your previous scripts also so work at breaking that habit.

I'll stop there.  I strongly recommend listening to Shawn and Phil about contributing some reviews.  You learn a lot from reviews of your own work so now pay it forward and learn how to spot errors.  Best of luck.

Quoted from Grandma Bear And I will chime in and say what I've said many times before.   What if the author is not interested in any input? What if the author just wants his/her script posted in the vast screenplay library of Simply Scripts? Then there's also the possibility that the author doesn't know the forum exists.

He's posted thanks in the threads for his other scripts.  He's been here about a month.


Phil

Quoted from Grandma Bear I know you didn't... The poster before me.

I was simply stating my opinion.  For you to chastise me for doing so, is uncalled for.  Now you've taken the focus away from the script, and you run the risk of turning this conversation into an argument.  

If the author would like me to elaborate on my comments, I'd be more than happy to.  

As far as your opinion of proper forum etiquette, we'll agree to disagree.

Jordan

Hi,
I just read it and here are my thoughts:
You have a plot and the structure is good - Sorin got what he deserved. But Sorin came out way cartoonish for me. I couldn't believe your Carrie either.

At first I thought someone beat up Sorin - he's cowering on the floor with the bat. Only because someone didn't pay... - a bit stretched for me.

The scene where Sorin pounds the boy on the head with the bat - I got lost, who's Diego? Also, didn't know there were sisters and brothers in the room.

The way Carrie was getting money for Sorin - I don't know why he needs her there at all.

Might be just me. I don't know much about thugs and the way they work)

Quoted from Nomad No, fade in.  Poor dialogue.  Poor grammar.

11. When reviewing a script, you should back up negative comments by citing evidence from that script about which the comment is being made.


@the writer...

To be honest, I wasn't going to read this, but since I high-jacked your thread-- I did.

First the writing on display here is very green, grammical errors, comma placement, ect... as he, as if, as this, as that, (as)  too much of that makes the writing green... when there's other words that would make the sentence read much better... before you post anything, it's always a good idea to proofread your work... again and again.  A second set of eyes will help.

--No good reason for you to keep it a secret, I'd just introduce "CARRIE" as such when we first meet her.  Don't wait until later on in your script to finally tell us... she wears ripped and tattered clothing.  Hair and skin unwashed.   These are important details.  When she first appear, I would have mentioned this then.

--My biggest complaint with this script, is the dialogue.  It hurt to read it... I can only imagine it would be more painful listening to Sorin in person.  Yeah, so am i to understand that Sorin is Russian--?  but... I hate to say this, but he sounds more like someone from the, well... just PM me.  Dont want to offend anyone.  But I will say this, Sorin  comes off as "illiterate."  No one talks this way, atleast no one worth listening too, and you dropped the "F-Bomb" way too much.   In the future, if you do write a feature, try to avoid, or limit doing this as much as possible.   The best advice I can give you about dialogue, is to know your character's in and out.  Another thing you could do, go to a restaurant, sit and just listen to people talk.  Besides research into writing dialogue.

--The ending was predictable, i seen it coming from your logline.  Maybe that's what you were going for.

--Maybe you're thinking about trying to film this yourself.  JMHO, so take it for what it's worth.  

Good Luck,

Ghost

Gave this a quick read this morning and it just didn't work for me, maybe because you got to a resolution so quickly.  I think your logline practically points out what is coming.

I'll just point out a couple of things that bothered me.  First, the opening sequence has some formatting issues and it is confusing as to who the players are.

You identify a man in an action sequence, but don't name him.  You then identify two other characters in action, but don't name them either, yet suddenly they have names when speaking.  It is then unclear whether Diego is the brother or the man being hit.  Give everyone a name, and identify them before they speak.

Speaking of names, the second issue I had was that you named someone Clause.  Maybe that's a common name in Europe, but here we think of Clause as a grammatical structure (a clause in a paragraph or contract).  It's distracting in the read.  I would change it to a more conventional spelling like "Klaus."

I just found a lack of plausability when it came to Carrie coming to his door, he opening the door while he's beating the crap out of someone with a baseball bat, and he being so accepting of this person sight unseen.   As someone who is supposed to be a crime lord, he must be the most minor crime lord ever, as he has no else working for him to cover his back in or outside the apartment.

Also, the police wouldn't arrest someone for just ringing on a doorbell.  There has to be more to it than that.

I would suggest going back and re-writing this with an eye on fleshing out the story more.  I know you were going for a twist at the end, but every story doesn't necessarily have to have a twist to get us to buy in, as long as you develop the lead to the end.

Gary

I have to agree with pretty much all the comments on here, the story is too rushed, therefore becomes too cartoonish and not plausible as a story. There is too much set up that needs to go into this story to make it work, it's a case of having an idea that doesn't fit into a short script format.

Just a thought on the main character, *SPOILER ALERT* I would have kept her as truly deaf, if she was beaten up by the Sorin, like the bat to the head, perhaps she really would have lost her hearing, I think this would work better because it forces her to over come her new disability and use it in order to take down the guy that did it to her.  Anyway, just a thought.

Also I'll wanted to comment on just how amazed I am when I read poor dialogue on paper, then an actor can actually make it sound better on film... not to excuse poor dialogue but I'm just saying, kudos to actors who make it work

Major revisions to this script would be highly recommended if you wanted to do anything with it, such as film it.

Keep writing and keep smiling

Hey guys I could write a more detailed response to each post to clarify all that was addressed, but I think there is one overall issue that can answer everything.

Ultimately, no one understood this script. At all really. And this is entirely because of the writing. I didn't get the concept across very well or make the details clear. Of course, it is clear to me, but if I haven't presented it well then how can I expect anyone else to understand the story?

As for not contributing reviews to other screenplays in this community, I will definitely be writing my reviews as I've read many screenplays on here! Thanks for all the feedback you've given in helping improve mine.