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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  3 Acts Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2013, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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3 Acts by The Writer - Short, Dramedy - Three struggling comedians  pursue their dreams of becoming successful comics while selling weed. 35 pages - pdf, format


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Gaviano
Posted: February 25th, 2013, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi Tony.
I only read the first few pages but Ill give you some of my thoughts.

This is a "pilot" episode at 35pgs so should not be in the "short" category.

Its generally considered a no-no to use words like "we" in descriptions. You say "we find the New York skyline" and "we descend". In small doses, i personally dont mind it but I know other guys will call you up on it.

i think you over use CAPS in your descriptions. I know this is for tv and I believe the formatting is slightly different for tv, but you are using standard formatting here (which is fine) but you dont need to cap so much.

You dont need to put "continued" at the end and beginning of each page.

I think you are overwriting alot here. Your second paragraph is 7 lines long. I believe 4 lines is the recommended length. Of course this is a generalisation but your descriptions could easily be cut down. If you feel like they cant then at the very least you should be splitting them up into 2 or 3 shorter paragraphs.

im not sure about the underlining in the dialogue. I believe its a bit of a grey area, some people like to use it instead of italics. Personally I would use italics. Im sure some of the other guys on here might clarify that a bit better.

You mention the "Emcee" then go on to call her Toni in your description then go back to calling her "Emcee". I think you should just say "the Emcee, TONI..." and continue calling her by her name.

Always introduce a character by name first, then description, unless the character is supposed to be a mystery until later. Example:
"He then bumps into a gorgeous WOMAN, mid twenties. This is Liz..." should read
"He then bumps into LIZ (20s) gorgeous..." and continue your description. You dont need to highlight the "WOMAN" since you name her straight after. Know what I mean?

and again...

"the room fills with laughter the moment the comedian on stage enters the room. He is MITRI" this doesn't read correctly. You shouldve introduced the comedian on stage as Mitri when we first see him.

Theres a few grammatical errors from the first few pages:

PAGE 1 "Doug laughs at comedians expense" This should be "laughs at the comedians expense"

PAGE 2 "watch where YOUR going" should be YOUR'RE

PAGE 2 "Doug continues he's walk but still with his eyes to the stage" not sure what this is suppose to read like,maybe "Doug continues, his eyes never leaving the stage"

im not gonna read on for now but will come back and read more. Hope this helps. The premise has promise and could be a funny show.

-Gavin





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Read me:
HOME (9pgs)
DAY 67 (10pgs)


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If you're a filmmaker feel free to contact me via email concerning my current screenplays or to request some of my other work.
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courhaw
Posted: February 25th, 2013, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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hi, the writer. you have some funky formatting issues on your pages. many parentheticals and underscores, for me, made the story very murky, as i was not able to wade through it for long enough to get very far. i did, however, also notice that you have big dialogue blocks, and that's almost always a bad sign, especially when they're at the top of the script. writer, i think you're passionate enough to really give screenwriting mechanics a thorough survey before writing your next material, or rewriting the current script. i would start with simply researching the foundations of the form and practicing those as i worked to improve my overall writing skill set. there's a link between all types of writing that, when discovered, opens up the world of film writing as no class, tutorial or seminar ever could. find it! there you will find discover one key to the door.
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