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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  An After School Haunting Moderators: bert
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  Author    An After School Haunting  (currently 2679 views)
Posted: March 11th, 2013, 4:35pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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An After School Haunting by Todd Bronson - Drama - A teenage outcast must unravel the murder mystery of a popular 80's high school athlete before he meets the same grim fate. 126 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: March 11th, 2013, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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This looks interesting. I'll wait for you to show up before reading very much, though. Writing's solid as far as I can tell.

Based on the first page alone, this feels more like a comedy than a drama.
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Posted: March 11th, 2013, 5:12pm Report to Moderator

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I agree.  The writing looks pretty solid.

The opening hooked me but I'd rather wait for the writer to chime in.
I'll also hold off on this one.
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Posted: March 11th, 2013, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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Todd posted a short in December, but never posted in the thread.

I'd hold off on reading this, if it's just going to fall on deaf ears.

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Posted: March 11th, 2013, 9:23pm Report to Moderator

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to the author: i can tell you now with a good degree of confidence that some will tag you for introducing six characters within the first four pages of your script. others will hit you on your grammar and spelling. while still more advice will be offered regarding the blocks of lines in both your descriptions and your dialogue, in places. also, they may tell you that the dialogue leaves something to be desired.

i'd say, though, that you definitely have a flair for culling the most exciting moments from childhood and explaining them with good clarity on the page. is this script about to snapped up by someone? it could be, because it only needs a wee bit of tweaking to make it buzz like a bumble bee. so, from me, you get a big thumbs up. i'll look for your next draft, too. good work, todd.
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Posted: March 24th, 2013, 9:24pm Report to Moderator

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Sorry about the late reply. I assumed I would receive notification via email when there were posts on the script. Also, I didn't have a Simply account and had to go thru the webmaster. I know excuses, excuses...

Thank you for taking the time to provide notes on the script. The first version was a straight horror and then transformed into a "Stand By Me" mystery. Lastly, this version, with all it's bad grammar became more personal when I put myself into it. Given the content I didn't pull it out for the longest time. -- It was a pet project. That being said, I reluctantly put it out and got some decent reviews. I have a couple producer requests and it is on Amazon now. I had blacklist review it and they ripped it for being made for the small screen and didn't know which genre it belonged to. It may be flawed, but I love having awkward unprofessional teens making a documentary and interviewing adults. I knew readers/viewers would guess the ending, but the real mystery is watching the kids discover the truth. They were heading down the same tunnel as the ghost before they found friendship which would keep them from the same fate.

Spoiler alert: Also, it was a hoot writing a life-affirming horror where there is no killer and one of the final lines is, "Stay alive."
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