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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Closed for the Summer Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 25th, 2013, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Closed for the Summer by Simon K. Parker - Short, Drama, Teen, High School - Two friends will have to try and out think and stop a thug from stealing from their high school whilst it's closed for the summer holidays. 13 pages - pdf, format


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Mehdoh
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon,

You have a fair number of typos and a lot of run-on sentences. Don't be afraid to use a period more often. There's something...off...about the dialogue. It's not that it seems forced but maybe a bit too juvenile given the age of the characters. The flow just isn't there but I can't quite put my finger on exactly what's wrong. You also have some unnecessary details in the action sequences. Reading them tends to mess up the pacing and throws the reader off a bit.

The Rafael v. Kallum standoff didn't work for me. It gets to be a bit cartoonish and just doesn't work. I don't really understand the story at all here. It starts as though it is going to be about parental neglect, then it goes toward a more tween love story, then it turns into a cartoonish action type thing, then it becomes a tween love story again. It doesn't work for me as a cohesive piece.

It's not all terrible and I can sort of see where you're going but this missed the mark.
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