Pandemonium Reigns by Alex Harvey - Short, Crime - A desperate family must escape the sadistic gangsters they have wronged. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hello Alex,
I sense a little "Pulp Fiction" going on in the bacground.
Anyway, the story was good. It held my attention. I thought Eddie was going to grab the gun from the Hitman and have no bullets left in it to kill him. Didn't expect him to get shot by the cops. Fooled me.
Screenwriting is a visual medium. Your action lines should "show" what your character is doing not "tell" what he/she is doing. "Alabama walks into the room. She is more or less a typical American teen." Show how she looks or how she walks and let the audience decide if she is a "more or less typical American teen."
Scale of 10 I'll give it a 6.5.
The story-line flowed well for me and as I said before, it held my interest. That's what counts. Keep up your writing. Don't get discouraged.
Peter

Hey Alex, I sorta skimmed through this one, and I agree with Peter -- you got a lot of inspiration from Tarantino movies. From the soundtrack choices to the name Alabama to the main storyline -- a boxer wins a boxing match, even though he agreed to lose.

And I get it, since I'm a big Tarantino fan myself. I'd do anything to write my own Pulp Fiction. But here, it's so blatantly obvious you're borrowing from Tarantino that it gets distracting.

It's okay to steal from movies you like -- even the pros do -- but you also need to put some of your own style into it, and all I saw here was a bunch of Pulp Fiction scenes mixed up and played in a different order.

Sorry man, I don't want to sound harsh. Bottom line, nobody writes a great movie by rehashing some other film that came before it -- you have to find your own style and think up your own story.

Will

Quoted from crookedowl But here, it's so blatantly obvious you're borrowing from Tarantino that it gets distracting. It's okay to steal from movies you like -- even the pros do -- but you also need to put some of your own style into it, and all I saw here was a bunch of Pulp Fiction scenes mixed up and played in a different order.

^^^ agreed.

Every once in a blue moon you'll come across that script that has a bucket load of references to QT and his movies.  It becomes so distracting spotting every single one of them and yes, it takes away from the read.   Nothing wrong with references and stealing stuff from your favorite films, but putting a fresh spin on it makes it all gravy, baby.

Hey Alex,

Have to say that unless you get the format correct to begin with, very few will read your screenplay as it shows inexperience.
I am not trying to be mean, though that is the hash reality and any writer would read the first page and stop.

You have no FADE IN: though have attempted it with "The film opens with a black screen"
There is no FADE OUT: at the end either.

"OPENING CREDITS" This is never done as the Director knows what to do. No need to tell him the obvious.

Moving on.....

BELL RINGS.
PEOPLE PUNCH EACH OTHER. (Sounds really tacky) Numerous oversized bicep MEN throw punches at one another. (Describe it better)

The opening credits play during the V.O. (This is once again up to the director not the screenwriter)

"Voice over fades out" Not needed !!!!

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (needs a hyphen)

"Jeepster" by T. Rex. (Absolutely no idea what this means)

KNOCKING AT DOOR. Try:- A knock is heard.

"Eddie has gotten home, and he is in a hurry. He waits for
his daughter to unlock the door, then decides to use his own
key. The doorknob turns. The door swings open, and EDDIE
BUNKER stumbles in"
You introduce Eddie for the first without capitalizing him then capitalize him later in the same action line, also no age.
Try:-
A restless EDDIE BUNKER (4 stands on the porch. His DAUGHTER fumbles with the keys. He pushes her aside, unlocks the door.

Also how is he outside unlocking the door when the last slugline says
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

I really want to stress that your formatting is very important and once you master that then move onto your writing.

By making the attempt of getting this written and submitted it does show that you enjoy writing and feel this may be your first attempt.

I have not gone into detail regarding the entire screenplay though feel most poster's comments so far have been regarding your storyline and no one has bothered to mention the rest.

I am only saying this as it is in your best interests to learn formatting as well as standards.

Read as many screenplays as you can and this will give you an insight into what needs to be included and more importantly what not to include.

Good luck and happy to receive any PM's asking for advice.

Regards Alex

Hey Alex...

I have to echo what a few folks said...a lot if elements were directly lifted from pulp fiction/true romance. The names Coolidge and Alabama. The fact Coolidge is a manager of a boxer and the fight is never shown is a direct lift from pulp fiction.

I'm a Tarantino fan, but this was borderline shameless. I didn't finish it, and it wasn't cause of the Tarantino like script, it was the fight/boxing match.

I was a bit confused and didn't believe it at all. No commentator would say a boxer got "socked in the face" as they are experts/analyst or retired fighters of the sport. This irked me as a boxing fan. You counted backwards as a fighter was knocked down, I assume...but in boxing, it's called a ten-count. The ref counts to ten before declaring a knockout, not to one.

Overall, my advice to you would be research what you plan on writing first. I think this is why it came off a carbon copy. Hopefully I wasn't too harsh, but keep on writing. Good luck.

Hey Alex, you probably need to read more scripts in order to see how a screenplay flows. There are some basic formatting issues mentioned above and also the general writing of the action lines is incorrect. Theres nothing wrong with being descriptive at times but you have to write what we see and on many occasions you don't, you write what you think we should already know, do you know what I mean?

The QT links are very obvious but that didn't put me off in the slightest. Eddie Bunker is of course the real life criminal/writer/actor who plays Mr. Blue in Reservoir Dogs. If I were you I would cut down my action lines and keep them specific to what we see. also the dialogue wasn't the greatest. Hope this helps

-Gavin