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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Dead Man's Stone Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dead Man's Stone  (currently 2104 views)
Posted: August 25th, 2013, 6:32pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Dead Man's Stone by Marian Ignar - Action, Adventure - When a gambler, Johhny Berns, tries to rip-off the mob, gets dropped off in the middle of a Desert to die, he stumbles upon a Magic stone that can change or destroy the world.  Johhny and his friends are now on the run from A Nazi, who is bent on stealing the power and creating his own country, while killing everyone who stands in the way. 99 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: August 26th, 2013, 12:06am Report to Moderator

Los Angeles, California
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I wanted to read this once I saw that it started in Dachau, but unfortunately it reads more like a manual than a script.  

You use a passive voice and you describe a scene like you're painting by numbers.

Let's take your opening paragraph for instance:

"There are several rectangular buildings on fire. On the
corner of a street there are supply trucks parked. People are
on the streets running in groups. Nazi soldiers are guarding
the front gates which surround the camp, they are armed with
rifles and sub-machine guns."

I hear a computer voice in my head when I read this.  Try combining your sentences and use a little more color in your writing.  Something like this:

"Throngs of people flee down a street between buildings engulfed in flames.  
Heavily armed Nazi soldiers guard the front gate."

That basically describes your paragraph in two sentences.  The trucks aren't important and the shape of the buildings doesn't seem to be important right now.

Shouldn't there be only one front gate?  Having multiple front gates is like having multiple Lone Rangers.  It just sounds wrong.

I just did the briefest of research into Dachau in 1942 and the Americans and Russians were nowhere near the place.  Now I've completely checked out of your script.

I understand that this is fiction, but if you want me to believe your story, you have to do better than that.


Read my scripts here:
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
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