SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 26th, 2019, 11:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Writers' Tournament is back...


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Dead Man's Stone Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Dead Man's Stone  (currently 2081 views)
Don
Posted: August 25th, 2013, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12993
Posts Per Day
1.94
Dead Man's Stone by Marian Ignar - Action, Adventure - When a gambler, Johhny Berns, tries to rip-off the mob, gets dropped off in the middle of a Desert to die, he stumbles upon a Magic stone that can change or destroy the world.  Johhny and his friends are now on the run from A Nazi, who is bent on stealing the power and creating his own country, while killing everyone who stands in the way. 99 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Nomad
Posted: August 26th, 2013, 12:06am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Los Angeles, California
Posts
538
Posts Per Day
0.18
Marian,

I wanted to read this once I saw that it started in Dachau, but unfortunately it reads more like a manual than a script.  

You use a passive voice and you describe a scene like you're painting by numbers.

Let's take your opening paragraph for instance:

"There are several rectangular buildings on fire. On the
corner of a street there are supply trucks parked. People are
on the streets running in groups. Nazi soldiers are guarding
the front gates which surround the camp, they are armed with
rifles and sub-machine guns."

I hear a computer voice in my head when I read this.  Try combining your sentences and use a little more color in your writing.  Something like this:

"Throngs of people flee down a street between buildings engulfed in flames.  
Heavily armed Nazi soldiers guard the front gate."

That basically describes your paragraph in two sentences.  The trucks aren't important and the shape of the buildings doesn't seem to be important right now.

Shouldn't there be only one front gate?  Having multiple front gates is like having multiple Lone Rangers.  It just sounds wrong.

I just did the briefest of research into Dachau in 1942 and the Americans and Russians were nowhere near the place.  Now I've completely checked out of your script.

I understand that this is fiction, but if you want me to believe your story, you have to do better than that.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006