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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Absolut Absolution Moderators: bert
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  Author    Absolut Absolution  (currently 1342 views)
Don
Posted: September 16th, 2013, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Absolut Absolution by Martin. (blueboy) - Short, Thriller - When two people meet in a bar their intent on sex and ultimate control is obvious from the outset. Only one wins and gains absolution. 20 pages - pdf, format


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Heretic
Posted: September 16th, 2013, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 1: Upon introduction, I hate Tara. I assume that's sort of the idea. If this is a story about a morally corrupt woman who uses sex as a weapon being put in her place, I'm going to be annoyed.

Page 3: The product placement is just a tad overdone, I think. I like what you're doing with it, but we don't need to know the brand of every single accessory. We get it.

Page 5: I like a lot of your dialogue but the back-and-forth verges on being a bit too cleverly self-satisfied, for me. Stuff like "divine" and "touche" goes a bit far for me.

Page 6: The artist comparing his art to the act of love is WAY played. I would take this out, personally. If I saw this sequence in a theatre, I would laugh out loud.

Page 7: I don't get it here. I think you've sold Tara short on "having control." When Gerard had control, it was all closed statements. When Tara has "control," it's all questions. How can she have control when she's saying more words, and only asking questions? If she's supposed to have control, it comes with having Gerard's "measure"...but this is instantly undercut by the fact that she has to ask questions and obviously doesn't have his measure. Gerard only asked one question, and Tara didn't know the answer. Tara asks many questions, and Gerard knows all the answers. No matter how you slice it, Tara hasn't had control yet.

Page 8: "Drink with me." He really didn't see that coming? I don't buy that. Obviously she meant he should drink with her.

Page 9: Nice. Big moment here. Lands well.

Page 10: Don't QUITE buy his acceptance of Tara now. It feels like there's a beat missing here -- is it just because he's alone? I would have liked to see this foreshadowed -- maybe when he looks back and sees that she's gone in the previous scene, he has a flash of regret -- or to see her try a new tactic in this scene, before he's convinced.
And I gotta say it, I am not stoked at the usual woman/temptation/Satan thing we got going here. Can't we find a way to express temptation metaphorically without demonizing female sexuality?

Thoughts:

Well, it wasn't about a morally corrupt woman being put in her place, exactly, so that's good. My complaint stands, though, about the metaphor.

That said, I really enjoyed how far this went. Nice and bloody and nasty, and I liked that you brought some casual racism in there, too (I'm being serious, in case that sounds facetious). The structural trickery is a lot of fun, and the right actors could have a great time with this one. I gotta run to school, but I may have more thoughts on this later. Good stuff!


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Nomad
Posted: September 16th, 2013, 3:47pm Report to Moderator
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Martin,

You have the bones of a good story here but the execution was lacking.

I'm not sure exactly what happend at the end but I think you wanted it that way.

A few things I noticed:

Your logline needs a comma.
Your writing is cluttered with unnecessary words.
You use the word "sexily" too many times.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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chelsea
Posted: September 16th, 2013, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Good day Heretic. Thanks for the read and the great input. Look forward to more comments.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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chelsea
Posted: September 16th, 2013, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan. Thanks for the read. Not really too much I can add.


My Scripts:

Hail The Cabbie. Appx. 9 pages A taxi ride to the absolute terminus.

Pink is the New Black.10 pages. Homophobes beware!

The Bullet Train. 5 pages. Economy equals retribution.

Pillow Talk. 4 pages. It's hard to bear sometimes.

The perfect Ending. 8 pages. Amy's present is her past.



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