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Absolut Absolution by Martin. (blueboy) - Short, Thriller - When two people meet in a bar their intent on sex and ultimate control is obvious from the outset. Only one wins and gains absolution. 20 pages - pdf, format
Page 1: Upon introduction, I hate Tara. I assume that's sort of the idea. If this is a story about a morally corrupt woman who uses sex as a weapon being put in her place, I'm going to be annoyed.
Page 3: The product placement is just a tad overdone, I think. I like what you're doing with it, but we don't need to know the brand of every single accessory. We get it.
Page 5: I like a lot of your dialogue but the back-and-forth verges on being a bit too cleverly self-satisfied, for me. Stuff like "divine" and "touche" goes a bit far for me.
Page 6: The artist comparing his art to the act of love is WAY played. I would take this out, personally. If I saw this sequence in a theatre, I would laugh out loud.
Page 7: I don't get it here. I think you've sold Tara short on "having control." When Gerard had control, it was all closed statements. When Tara has "control," it's all questions. How can she have control when she's saying more words, and only asking questions? If she's supposed to have control, it comes with having Gerard's "measure"...but this is instantly undercut by the fact that she has to ask questions and obviously doesn't have his measure. Gerard only asked one question, and Tara didn't know the answer. Tara asks many questions, and Gerard knows all the answers. No matter how you slice it, Tara hasn't had control yet.
Page 8: "Drink with me." He really didn't see that coming? I don't buy that. Obviously she meant he should drink with her.
Page 9: Nice. Big moment here. Lands well.
Page 10: Don't QUITE buy his acceptance of Tara now. It feels like there's a beat missing here -- is it just because he's alone? I would have liked to see this foreshadowed -- maybe when he looks back and sees that she's gone in the previous scene, he has a flash of regret -- or to see her try a new tactic in this scene, before he's convinced. And I gotta say it, I am not stoked at the usual woman/temptation/Satan thing we got going here. Can't we find a way to express temptation metaphorically without demonizing female sexuality?
Well, it wasn't about a morally corrupt woman being put in her place, exactly, so that's good. My complaint stands, though, about the metaphor.
That said, I really enjoyed how far this went. Nice and bloody and nasty, and I liked that you brought some casual racism in there, too (I'm being serious, in case that sounds facetious). The structural trickery is a lot of fun, and the right actors could have a great time with this one. I gotta run to school, but I may have more thoughts on this later. Good stuff!