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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
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3:47 a.m. When Death's Door Opens by Curtis Lofgren - Short, Horror - 3:47 a.m. is the time when death's door opens just enough to allow the Creature to roam! 33 pages - pdf, format
Hi Curtis, I only read the first few pages but I'll try to give you some notes.
The log line made me chuckle but lots of people will be put off by it. It's more of a tagline than a log line.
The first page has a few errors.
What exactly are you fading in on? If you want to have a "legend on the screen" or SUPER it should be OVER BLACK and then FADE IN on your first image.
Im not a fan of having specific times of the day in slugs. I realise its important to your story but I just don't think it works. Maybe you should have the praying woman look at her watch instead or something like that.
Your first slug says RURAL GRAVEYARD but then your next few slugs just say GRAVEYARD. Be consistent.
Your first action paragraph doesn't read too bad but if you're going to introduce a CREATURE I think you need to be more descriptive than just saying "scarred face" and "evil red eyes". What I mean by this is, is the creature human-like or vampire-like or dog-like? you know what I mean?
Get rid of the CUT TO transitions. Not really necessary in spec scripts and also they simply don't work here since you are cutting to absolutely nothing different except a minute later. it just doesn't make sense. You could write your first 3 scenes under 1 slug and split the action lines up.
Your action lines after your 4th slug don't make sense either. You say they "witness the murder" but do we SEE them witness it or do we cut to them directly after they have witnessed it…? Also you then go on to say they run "toward the parking lot…looking back, screaming and crying…" and then go on to say that they try to hit the creature with weapons..?
Sorry but it was just all over the place.
It reminded me of an episode of Tales form the Crypt or something silly like that but you really need to work on your understanding of how to write for the screen. Go read lots of scripts. Sorry if this seems harsh. Good luck.
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3:47 a.m. When Death's Door Opens
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