Ladybug by R.B. Jons - Short - An evangelist reveals his past in an interview. 5 apges - pdf, format

There's something to be said for this script - I'm just not sure what.  This is the second script I've read today where the ending was somewhat ambiguous.   But I liked it.

Maybe I need to reread it.  

Hopefully the writer shows up and chimes in.

Very nicely written. Atmospheric. Realistic characters... but what was the point? I don't get it. What is the thing with the ladybug? Why reveal all of this about the character with no pay off?

*edit* OK, I just checked out your logline. I suppose it says it on the tin. He simply reveals his past life through interview and what he says cleverly relates to what really happened without fully revealing it to the interviewer... however, the story leaves me cold. Not enough story for me.

Hello R.B

Very engaging piece you have written here. A nice piece of drama with religious undertones. Nicely paced. It was like reading a huge character piece of Timothy James. His entire life was unravelled very nicely. I do have to admit I had to read this a second time to fully appreciate it. Very well done

-Silva Sly-

I felt a little let down after reading this.  You showed us how bad this guy's life wife--while he said how great, but you don't complete the the story.  How does a fourteen year old down-on-his-luck and abused kids become such a wealthy and powerful religious figure in only twenty-five years.

I'm not sure if the lady bug is meant to be his guardian angel or something else.  You need to explain this a little better.

I felt that Timothy James is a charicature of televangelists.  Even his names sounds like it.

Hope this helps.


Phil

This one was...um...well...it was a script?  It elicited an emotional response?

I'm sure the story makes a lot more sense to the writer, but all the symbolism eludes me.  

What was the ladybug for?

Some of the dialogue seemed forced:

Quoted Text    INTERVIEWER (V.O.) She died shortly after her success.    TIMOTHY JAMES (V.O.) I wasn't of age and had nobody.

This doesn't seem to be a proper response to the statement.

Quoted Text    INTERVIEWER (CONT’D) Dr. Timothy James?

This doesn't sound natural.  A simple, "Dr. James?" would suffice.

Quoted Text The LADYBUG crawls on Timothy James' shoe has he cowers in the corner of the basement.

Typo.



The script it too cryptic and vague.  There's talent in the writing, but at times, it's too novelistic.

Jordan

I thought ladybug was god himself looking after the protagonist .. It nicely written as far as your writing talent is concerned .. but the arch of the story as phil pointed was in knowing how this poor child wins a fortune .. and this question remained unanswered

Thanks for posting Don!

Hey all,

Thanks for reading!  I wrote this earlier in the year, the last bullet in the chamber figuratively speaking, and I submitted a pen name for this -- partly because it helps me feel less connected to the piece, and partly because I'm winding my writing down for awhile.  Every time I read this it sends a chill down my spine, and there really is something to be said here.  So this is me chiming in.

Apologizes up front with the errors.  I counted 1 denotation error, and 2 grammar errors.

Religion is personal for everyone no matter what you believe and I'm happy it was received the way it was without the crazy debates.

@Nick

Glad you liked it.  The ending was ambiguous, but there's meaning behind it too.  Timothy James, although had a terrible childhood, is ultimately defined by his external lifestyle in the eyes of men.  But how does that translate to his inner heart?  Has God forgotten about him?

@Dustin

Ladybugs symbolize protection.  Given the nature of when the ladybug shows up, has God really protected Timothy James throughout his life?  As a baby boy, he was in awe of the beauty of God's protection (the ladybug) only to have an ugly cockroach crawl on his reverence for it.  He may not realize it when he sees the ladybug during the interview, but it was the catalyst for him to say something that would leave most evangelists scratching their heads.

@Silva

Thanks for reading twice, lol!  Definitely some things said at the beginning that bring more sense to the ending.  Glad you enjoyed it.

@Phil

Thanks for reviewing this coming off the slab! lol!  Hope you are feeling better.

Timothy James is for sure a caricature of televangelists.  They gain a notorious image, a huge amount of followers, and throw out the foundation of their beliefs to please everyone's tastes.  But I wanted to make him different, to show that God was with him before he was born, and that Timothy James is on the radar -- for good or bad.

Timothy James believes that if his name is written in God's book, it was before he was born and not a moment before death.

@Jordon

Thanks for the notes.  I can't believe I let this ride in a 4 page script, unbelievable!

@Razi

Hopefully I answered some of the questions for the arch of the story.  Thanks for reading!

So ambiguous yes, but I'm thrilled it tied into the subconscious of readers because it ties into the story as well.  Thank you for all of the thoughts!  It was a nice surprise.

Until next year,

Johnny

so let's pick this one apart page by page....

p1

"The only beauty that remains is the unborn baby inside of her belly." - a bit awkward. could have just said she was pregnant.

"named after his father" - is this necessary?

no need to italicize

p2

10 million? damn that's high. might lessen it a bit...unless that's actually accurate.

"that you walk I very broad path"

"A COCKROACH scurries across Timothy James and his warm, innocent smile." - walked on his mouth? gross.

p3

"green drool" - yummy

"The LADYBUG crawls on Timothy James' shoe has he cowers in the corner of the basement."

p4

Bible not bible

no need for CONT'D

write out doctor in dialogue

Final thoughts:

I really liked this! Well written and lots of themes/metaphors at play here. I love the notion of free will especially as it's outlined in the Bible. Plus it should be fairly easy to produce. Nice work and definitely worth a read.

Hey Johnny. I actually read this a couple weeks ago but neglected to comment as I assumed the writer wasn't an active member.

I liked it for the most part. An interesting juxtaposition of image and dialogue. The writing wasn't bad either. I knew the ladybug was supposed have some sort of symbolism or metaphysical presence but I could never put my finger on exactly what. In that sense, I think it sort of went over my head. I sort of expected something along the lines of what you've described though.

I think if you're happy with the mystery, you're more or less in good shape. If not, I think you need to make some changes. Exactly what kind of changes, I can't say but it'd be more than just a tweak, for sure. I mean, you can't explain the meaning to everyone who reads the script; it has to be there in the script itself.

Anyway, just wanted to chime in, give my thoughts, and say nice job.

Thanks for taking the time to read Will & James!  I appreciate the notes and the cool thoughts.

All the best,

Johnny

Johnny,

I liked this one alot. Your ending, Timothy's last line actually, kinda tied it all together for me. "Either it's there or it's not. "

On two fronts I think it was overwritten. His mother going to college? Cleaning apartments and taking care of a child I figure is hard enough. Where did she find the time?

And I think one less appearance by the ladybug would have worked a little better.

However, you have quite a conflict here as far as evangelists go. I've always seen them as false prophets. Money hungry, greedy, and just overall bad guys driving in the new BMWs while the rest of their flock just keep sending the money in. That being said, I'm sure a few of them truly want to help. Truly are on a mission from God to do good and not on a mission for funds.

That perspective, if you choose to see it that way, just totally echoes the duality of his upbringing. From his caring mother, and his abusive father. Which road did Timothy James take? The high road, according to his interview because he can't even say if his name is there or not.

Definitely a piece to think about. The writing was clear and flowed well. Not too much to complain about. Good job.

Enjoy your time off!

Steve

Ps -- thanks for the kind words for my OWC submission!

Thanks for reading Steve!  Yep, you got it.

Oh my gosh dude, your OWC had me twisted.  Then once the ending hit me, I was like "that's one of the grossest things I've ever read" lol!  I can't help but laugh every time I think of black milk.  Yeah I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Later,

Johnny

Johnny,

I really enjoyed this. Nicely written throughout. Loved the image of the ladybug (sort of a guardian angel) appearing throughout Timothy's life. The ending image with Timothy Sr. was a bit chilling. Would have liked to see how Timothy Jr. became who he was. We see the struggles he and his mother endured but we're left hanging somewhat from not being able to appreciate Timothy Jr's growth into the person he is now. Regardless, it was very good.

- Dirk

A little late but I see that you're in the US Coast Guard currently serving and I wanted to simply say "Thank You" for that. A true hero in every sense of he word.

Thanks Dirk for the read and the thanks buddy!

I never had the balls to write a feature because I suck at structure and I never finish my stories with a payoff, but maybe when I feel like I'm ready to write again this could be a starting point.  Could be interesting.

Later,

Johnny