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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Close Enough Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 19th, 2013, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Close Enough by Steve Burton (SBurton) - Short, Drama - The boundaries of the long term platonic friendship between Larry, a straight man, and Gary, a gay man, are challenged as they deal with other life issues. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 3rd, 2019, 2:54pm
revised draft
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Levon
Posted: November 27th, 2013, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Steve. I'll write a few notes as I go.

Nice, concise action lines. Good flow so far.

The dialogue seems a bit too far to the right? Was there some kind of glitch? Although, I do like the dialogue, it seems natural, so GJ on that.

LARRY
Cheers! (Toasts.) To friendship. - The parenthesis should be under 'Cheers', and 'to friendship' after the parentheses, if that makes sense.


JANE (OS) Hi love. Are you there?

Gary and Larry remain silent.

Oh, I guess not. I thought you‟d be home. I hope you‟re behaving. Just kidding. I‟ll be back tomorrow night. Everything is fine here. I hope you were able to get together with Gary like you wanted to. I miss and love you. See you tomorrow.

On the paragraph starting 'Oh, I guess not', you'll need to put JANE (CONT'D) to make it clear it's still her talking.


That was a good little script. It had great flow so I didn't get bored reading it. I liked the dialogue between Gary and Larry. They were both fairly well-established characters. There was a good dilemma coming across, and I think the flashbacks really helped to show the audience the relationship between the two.

One thing I will say, Gary and Larry are pretty similar names. I was kinda confused at who was saying what sometimes. Unless, of course, you wanted to name them alike to symbolise their alikeness personality-wise, then kudos for that clever subtly. Overall, a great script. I could easily imagine this being filmed.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: December 2nd, 2013, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Apart from the formatting issues mentioned I'd just like to add it would have been nice to have a basic description of Garry and Larry. A lot of this script is left to the imagination, a conversation between two people. While yes the first draft of the script should be the basic blueprint it helps to add something we can visualise.

It was a good conversation though


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SBurton
Posted: August 20th, 2019, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, good feedback to be taken seriously.
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