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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  Over Time - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    Over Time - OWC  (currently 2685 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Over Time by 0 - Short, Comedy - When a time machine comes into their lives, two Niner fans embark on a quest to change the result of Super Bowl 47. - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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This is written really well until we get to page 6. 6 through 10 are expositional and overly complicated. Way too much dialogue and not enough drama.

Code

INT. SUPERDOME - RESTROOM - NIGHT
Joe and Dwight materialise in a toilet cubicle, just as
someone leaves it. The crowd noise above is a low RUMBLE.

A line of men peer in at the pair.

JOE
Holy fuck. Here we are.

DWIGHT
Yup.

They walk past the waiting queue who eye them with disgust.



LOL. Very well done.

I liked the ending before The Doctor made an appearance. Quite a decent effort this one. Couple of laughs and written well for the most part.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Over time

Got a few minutes to read. Well done in getting an entry in.

Not sure about the concept - seems quite a personal thing 49ers and Super Bowl etc

Nazgul bitch - not sure what that means
Going to candlestick ??
Not being picky but quite a lot of its instead of it's
To be honest at p 11 this isn't grabbing me
Dwight and joe aren't lighting up this script
Int.shell ? - have I missed something ?
I mean of all the plans to change the outcome this isn't he most intriguing
The twist at the end is helpful

To be honest this didn't do much for me, but I appreciate the aim if changing a game, an outcome, the devoted fan wanted to see things come good.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr

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Reef Dreamer  -  January 12th, 2014, 8:30am
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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 8:33pm Report to Moderator
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Well, I’m pretty sure most SS veterans will guess the author of this one.

It’s not a bad tale at all, very light-hearted and I do like the simple premise of two guys wanting to go back and change a game of football – wish I had this device to go back and help the Dockers last September. As for Villa – I’d need more than a time machine!

Although a simple premise, their plan did actually become rather confusing as the story moved on and I struggled to grasp what they was doing – something about a shell in the ground, and it must have been a big shell because Dwight was in it like a coffin – when did they take that back?

The ending, although funny, did seem like an afterthought with the Doctor watching on with his popcorn.

I think the problems with this one arise in the second half when the exposition takes over and it becomes a little confusing as to what they’re doing – just needs to be cleaned up for clarity sakes.

But overall, a fun entry – good work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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Ryan1
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Can't imagine the bogan who wrote this one, lol.  A niners fan living out his sick fantasies through a time travel tale.  Hmm, who could it be?  Great concept to have these two hapless schleps go back in time to fix things for their beloved team.  

Best part for me was the back and forth at the beginning.  In fact the dialogue was so convincing it makes me think the writer was actually caught wanking to a photo album.  Good stuff.  It got confusing for me when they traveled all the way back to the 1600s and then that business about the shell.  

I would liked to have seen the Doctor Who transaction at the beginning of the story.  Then I think his appearance would have had a bigger punch at the ending there.  But otherwise, I thought this was a breezy, easy little script.  Fair dinkum for a week's work.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Ohhh who wrote this ???? me wonders

You can just substitute the Niners for Villa and have the same story

It was an easy read and flowed nicely.

Nice one down under

Mark


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Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 11:45pm Report to Moderator
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Goofy characters. Some funny nerdy dialogue. Early moments felt like Kevin Smith. Then I realized this was going to be the ultimate sports fan use of time travel I got really excited. A lot of promise early.

Once they use the interesting device and end up way way back you lost me. I don't have any advice for a better way to directly alter the game. Maybe they could interact with a player or coach. Or take advantage of the coaches being brothers. Maybe affect their upbringing? Another idea would be to get them or key player interested in early video games and distract them just like they are in present day. I think this could mesh with earlier scenes. That said, I thought the idea of battling other time travellers was really cool. Better if they were fans like our boys. Just my 2 cents.

And the doctor. Really. I guess it was bound to happen.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Last Fountain
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry. One more cool idea. The time device is different.it's like video game controllers instead. The dueling travellers battle with the controllers like the super bowl is their video game. You mention rewind. Maybe that's a power up. Hehehe.


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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OK, obvious who the maggot is who wrote this one, so...as I go...

Some early references to what I beleive to be Lord of the Rings video games may go over peeps heads.

The banter between these 2 nitwits is funny and comes off as if they actually do know each other and share in such banter on a daily basis.

Page 3 - going on a little too long for my tastes.  "sellling" - "the old triple L".  "to to" - and now "the dreaded double to" - LOL!!!  

Page 4 - "Your mom caught me jerking off." - Hilarious!!!  Very funny!  And this 1 liner expands into a whole page and it is indeed funny.  The family photo album...you're a sick one, mate!  

Paghe 5 - "S. F. International" - you really should always spell this shit out as many will be clueless what you're referring to.

Page 7 - "miscreants" - LOL!!!

Page 8 - although this may be dragging a bit, I do find it funny and entertaining. Not sure what this red shell thing is all about.  Missing "get" in Dwight's line.

Page 10 - funny shit, bro, but too much dialogue and not much else, IMO.  This shell idea is hilarious.

Page 11 - "INT. SHELL" - HA!!  Funny shit!!

Very funny but I don't get the ending at all - The Doctor?  The Tardis?  HUH?

Funny shit, bro.  Congrats on entering and producing an entertaining read.  




To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  January 14th, 2014, 3:17pm
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Forgive
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Man this was wordy. Dialogue in particular. Strange thing, I didn't think any of it was particularly bad in any way, a lot of it was light and breezy, showed different voice, but just because you're good at something doesn't mean it's the only thing you should show. This might be okay for a feature, but I don't think there's room for it in a short.

Positives of a sort, for me, you know how to write without doubts - there's an easy relaxed style to the way you present everything, and maybe it's late, but I didn't spot any grammar issues either -- but really, don't dwell on your skills if they're not the heart the art.
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Forgive
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Bugger. Just read the other feedback. Shoot me now.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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This was really cute and a great time of year to write one like this! I think I know who wrote it maybe!!! I loved it ....until the very end. I did not understand the bit with the doctor's dialogue. Great job though! Enjoyable read!
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nawazm11
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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"Your mom caught me jerking off."

Some slow parts but besides that, this wasn't bad. A few funny bits but nothing big. It works for what it is and that's what matters. I'm not sure if I like the ending because of the technicality of the piece, it just seems out there and takes away from the read rather than add to it.

Not really a football fan either but I still got the gist of everything which is a good sign. Not a lot I didn't like actually. Writer's also obvious. This was enjoyable. Good job.
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StevenClark
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Writer,

Oh, this was kinda fun but tedious. Lots of talking, lots of set up that just didnt seem necessary. It really kinda dragged this one down, I think. It just ran in for so long, and sorry to say, just wasnt funny at all. Cute, but not funny. And the time lord guy didn't add anything essential to the story
So why throw him in there at the end?

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but this just seemed kinda goofy. I give you marks for originality though.

Congrats on getting this done.

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 6:08am Report to Moderator
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Dwight and Joe are likable enough and some of their dialogue is funny it just needs work. I used to play lotro so that made me smile. Some of it feels forced and unnatural though, just try saying some of their dialogue out loud and you’ll identify the clumsy bits.

So some guy is selling time devices in a bar? OK that is fine but then for that to work this really has to be a zany comedy like Bill & Ted or Dude, Where’s My Car and it isn’t. Dwight and Joe are a bit funny, dumb in a sweet way but not bonkers enough for the premise to work.

The whole setup around fixing the game is way too precise to be believable. The dialogue tries to convince me this will work but Dwight is just not that clever; the level of calculations and sheer luck involved would take a genius with a super computer to work out. Again, maybe this would work if these guys were Bill & Ted and had the help of some guide from the future.

You clearly know your football, I take it this Superbowl was a particularly painful one for you.

OMG! It’s Doctor Who! HAHAHAHAH! Love it, love the ending.

Well done on entering the OWC, I think you should automatically win this for using Doctor Who.


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