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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Baby Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 29th, 2014, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Baby by Brendan O'Grady - Short, Drama - {no logline} - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 7th, 2014, 6:44pm
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khamanna
Posted: January 30th, 2014, 5:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Brendan,

convert this into a pdf and resubmit. Here's how you convert it - open and click "PRINT". From here select "PDF/SAVE AS PDF".
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JulieDeStefano
Posted: February 4th, 2014, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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I feel like there's a lot more that needs to happen in the script. Jumping ahead just ends it rather abruptly. Why not show a little of what happens in between those 25 years. Perhaps show Rachel struggling a little  in raising the kid on her own but then have it all pay off in the end.
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Guest
Posted: February 5th, 2014, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Baby Blue?  Ain't that the song playing in Departed when Leo shoots that guy in the knee?

Anyway, on with the script, Lots of camera directions going on here, and while I don't mind them if they're needed -- sparingly of course -- they're really not needed here.  A Close up of your character eating a pizza or doing this or that can be deleted, save space, and give more room for other stuff.

As for story and what not, George is a pretty mean fucking jerk-off.  I have to say that.  He is a truly slimy guy.  He comes across as a dude you just want to slap in the face.  Your dialogue is very on the nose but I found myself getting emotional anyway.  Made me wonder what Rachel ever saw in this guy... and how she even became pregnant by him.  While you DID get me to FEEL SOMETHING in this scene, which is great, I think it comes out of nowhere.  I think you need to lead in to it better instead of just having George being the outright, outspoken asshole that he is.  Same with the rest of the script.  Things happen slam bang fast.  Learn to ease in to things a bit.


--Steve

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