SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 9th, 2025, 5:04am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  In Plain Sight Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    In Plain Sight  (currently 2734 views)
Don
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 8:48am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17384
Posts Per Day
1.95
In Plain Sight by Christiaan Laan - Drama, Noir, Crime - When a wealthy entrepreneur dies in an accident, a freelance journalist and a down on his luck detective team up to uncover the truth.  Not everything is as it seems as the trail leads them to the criminal organization responsible for supplying the city.  Not everybody is on the straight and narrow as everything slips in to place. 78 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Dreamscale
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


It's all about the rum

Location
Arizon
Posts
11707
Posts Per Day
122.90
Error 404 - script not coming up.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
TonyDionisio
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 11:59am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.18
Hi Christiaan,

I would rewrite the logline a bit.  The first 2 lines are decent. I would lose the last line completely and try to keep this down to 2 sentences. If the Protagonist is lead to a 'criminal organization'  then obviously not 'everybody is on the straight and narrow'.
Hopefully, there is a story element that the protagonists have a 'stake' or something worth losing if they fail to uncover something within a certain time frame. Try to work a stake into your log.

Gl with the script,


Tony
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
nemo
Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
28
Posts Per Day
0.01
Good story idea. I Agree that the last two lines should be taken out of your logline.

Another thing would be to try and keep the story in present tense. Try this as a first sentence. “A luxury sports car drives along a windy country road.”

take our some filler words as well. You use the word 'begin' too many times in just the first two scenes, some of these words can be deleted entirely.

Go through and tighten it up, this story could work! You have an nice knack for dialogue and creating a film noir type of set up. Keep it up.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006