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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  In Plain Sight Moderators: bert
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  Author    In Plain Sight  (currently 1343 views)
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 7:48am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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In Plain Sight by Christiaan Laan - Drama, Noir, Crime - When a wealthy entrepreneur dies in an accident, a freelance journalist and a down on his luck detective team up to uncover the truth.  Not everything is as it seems as the trail leads them to the criminal organization responsible for supplying the city.  Not everybody is on the straight and narrow as everything slips in to place. 78 pages - pdf, format

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Posted: March 1st, 2014, 10:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

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Cave Creek, AZ
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Error 404 - script not coming up.

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: March 1st, 2014, 10:59am Report to Moderator

Damnit, get to the point!

New York
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Hi Christiaan,

I would rewrite the logline a bit.  The first 2 lines are decent. I would lose the last line completely and try to keep this down to 2 sentences. If the Protagonist is lead to a 'criminal organization'  then obviously not 'everybody is on the straight and narrow'.
Hopefully, there is a story element that the protagonists have a 'stake' or something worth losing if they fail to uncover something within a certain time frame. Try to work a stake into your log.

Gl with the script,

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Posted: March 3rd, 2014, 11:35am Report to Moderator

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Good story idea. I Agree that the last two lines should be taken out of your logline.

Another thing would be to try and keep the story in present tense. Try this as a first sentence. “A luxury sports car drives along a windy country road.”

take our some filler words as well. You use the word 'begin' too many times in just the first two scenes, some of these words can be deleted entirely.

Go through and tighten it up, this story could work! You have an nice knack for dialogue and creating a film noir type of set up. Keep it up.
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