The Bible Was Written By the Victor! by Krum - Short - What if the devil was a good guy… 4 pages - pdf, format

I liked the idea of this script, a little bit, but it fell flat at the end.  The 'big' reveal wasn't that big for me.

You need to add a little more description to your scenes.,  It's just a talking head piece, though the conversation has potential.

You do need to tighten this script up.  You have a lot of orphans and, as a result, your last page is only three lines long.  This mistake is cringe-worthy.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Hmm. I'm not sure the script adds much to what the title accomplishes by itself. Definitely not a big reveal at the end -- the title gives us the entire premise.

The VO is well-used early on and there's an interesting mood to the first page, but to me, the script sets itself up for failure a little bit. There are some attempts to logically subvert or reconstruct Christian mythology here that don't really work because they are aimed at things that are not meant to be logical. It's a tricky line you're walking here and to me, many of the details offered here don't really make any sense -- mostly because you're building on something that didn't "make sense" (that is, "rational" sense) in the first place.

I guess I am not clear on what point is being made here, exactly, above and beyond the title (which I do think is an interesting perspective).

Quoted from Dogglebe ...your last page is only three pages long.  This mistake is cringe-worthy.

Nearly as cringeworthy as using the word 'pages' when you meant 'lines'. Doh!  

Now you need a minimum amount of lines on the last page of a script? For pHuck's sake.

The trouble with bullshit like that is if enough people believe it it actually becomes a semi-truth.

This is over written and the dialogue is bad. I didn't like it, I'm sorry. You need to read lots and lots. Novels and screenplays. I liked the premise though... but then it's a standard premise really, as most of them are. It's the execution that counts. Ideas don't count for shit if you can't deliver them properly.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Now you need a minimum amount of lines on the last page of a script? For pHuck's sake. The trouble with bullshit like that is if enough people believe it it actually becomes a semi-truth. .

I don't know what it is, but I just cannot stand when that happens.  It really pisses me off.

I'll try and snip things just so my last page doesn't have one or two lines.  It looks awkward to me.

--Steve

Quoted from steverino I'll try and snip things just so my last page doesn't have one or two lines.  It looks awkward to me.

What? Even on a three pager? It's not like anybody has to cut down another tree so he can finish his opus.

I doubt I agree with Dustin on most things. But I do think he's right on the money about this. When I first heard the word ophans being merrily bandied about on here a few months ago I wondered why the interest in parentless children all of a sudden.

Knocking out stray words taking up the odd extra line might make save a page or two on a full length script, but for shorts?

Seeing as a lot of these scripts have many bigger problems than being a few lines too long I think this is like telling learner drivers how to perform stunts.

I was also puzzled why nobody wondered why Krum didn't bother putting spaces in his/her headings or at the end of their sentences.

And the sporadic use of the full stop. I can be a grammar tragic but that kind of stuff is not pedantry.

It's also pretty handy to have DAY or NIGHT in a heading. Or LATER or the LIKE. Or even UNKNOWN. Brevity's good but

Quoted Text INT.ROOM

doesn't quite cut it for me.

There's one fella saying this is overwritten and another fella saying this needs more description in the scenes.

I'd say the latter is more true. It's a provocative title but as Heretic says it gives away the script's end.

I'd recommend losing the 'we' and camera stuff and do some Dante or Hieronymus Bosch style scenes. That stuff is powerful. Could be good.

R

What I mean by over written is that he's using too many words to say what he needs to. I don't mean it is over written like prose. I actually don't mind a little prose and will look past it so long as the writing is good.

Quoted from rendevous Knocking out stray words taking up the odd extra line might make save a page or two on a full length script, but for shorts?

It's more than just saving that extra page.  Orphans help point out if dialog and description need to be tightened.  And this script needs to be tightened a lot.  Doing so could shorten it by a third of a page, which is a lot.


Phil

Hi Krum,

I liked the title but that and the logline gave away the ending so there was no powerful conclusion, no surprise twist.

I don't know if it was my computer but your formatting was off, there were no spaces between punctuation.

The kid dying and not realising, then ending up somewhere else was intriguing. Then him talking to the devil perked my interest but it fell flat shortly after. The lord of lies is aptly named, he doesn't provide any proof nor do we see anything to suggest this is anything more than Satan using his many tricks to snatch one more soul.

I don't know much about orphans and script tightening, all I know is from a story perspective there were many ways this could have developed but it didn't so I felt dissapointed.

Interesting idea though, I'd encourage you to flesh it and and develop it more.  

Regards,

Mark

You had the genesis of a good story here but the formatting issues and on the nose dialog I took it down the wrong path, I'm afraid. You set up the introduction of Lucifer but end the short so quickly it's like. A sledgehammer to the face of an ending. Maybe give us a little more of a tease as to who the person talking to the kid might be instead of going full bore in a page. This could be better with a little more backstory, like how the kid died or why he doesn't believe in God. Something to hook us in to the story. Also, check into some free screenplay software like Fade In Pro or Celtx to help with the formatting issues. Give this a rewrite then re-post and let us see what the revision looks like. Good luck!

Gary

Tom Cynova’s Review of:


“The Bible Was Written By The Victor!”
By Krum Prodanov
krumprodanov@abv.bg


*What I enjoyed about the script:

- The story centers on a single character and a particular concept with an attempt to surprise


*Personal notes, criticisms, and suggestions:

- Formatting is incomplete

- Spaces are needed between slug lines and sentences

- Dialogue specifications like your (V.O.)’s are meant to be beside the designated character’s name who is speaking

- The script feels very plain, basic, and without much care to it’s presentation or any other significant elements

- Directing the script with camera cues and telling us what we see takes us out of the story and eliminates immersion to connect with the experience

- The story is presented by plain description instead of images and sounds

- Dialogue is uninspired, unoriginal, flat, and entirely expositional

- Description and action is uninteresting such as, “He grasps his throat and tries to breath but
can’t.He falls down.”

- Missing punctuation

- I would remove all “CONTINUED:”’s as we can generally assume a scene is going to continue if it’s incomplete and no new slug line appears. “CONTINUED:”’s work best with dialogue that is on a page break because dialogue often runs consistently and closely, where as an action or space in description has enough time in between to warrant it’s continuation even if its not clarified in the script direction. However, this is also perfectly fine in any script. If you want to use less space and for the script to appear better, I personally wouldn't include “CONTINUED:”’s unless it’s for dialogue

- Uninteresting and undeveloped characters

- Is there a reason why the boy isn’t given a name?

- The swearing doesn’t come from anything known of the character and instead only achieves to make me dislike the main character, when we should be curious or interested in them

- Most of the story is revealed through dialogue that doesn’t explore the character, it simply states facts to wrap up the idea of the story

- The story lacks a middle, an ending, and barely had a beginning

- The concept loses credibility to be taken seriously by lack of support and effort to allow the reader to care or connect

- The script attempts to base everything on the reveal, yet the reveal has little story to ground itself. There is no motive, no intuitive action or choice, and only reaction

- It feels like the focus was entirely on the reveal and getting to that without creating a story or much of a setup to reach it

- Some basic elements are included to have some sense of a story, yet there is no development, description, detail, reference, or anything to ground us or draw us in. It’s basically an idea of a story and one that isn’t finished


*My Overall Rating: 1/10